happiness is a journey

bella made a video

2010-07-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

I entered Erins giveaway for a tempur pedic mattress and it was soo fun.

Actually Bella's really the star having fun but still. My first video!!

Enjoy!

i love kurt hammel

2010-06-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

unemployment? yes. but thats okay because hanging out with bella and dante is fun.

sleeping in til all hours and staying up all night? not as fun as you think when you're 16 and it seems like the life.

today i was up to meet my mom for some ticket thing (not libel, what what!) and now i'm off to the gym.

got stood up on a date form okcupid. okwhatever jerk. your loss.

i need to reserve my eclipse tickets. theatre with wine and edward and comfy chairs? yes please.

working on the orthodox thing. very interesting.

b is coming to town next week!!!!!!!

Did I ask too much? More than a lot You gave me nothing, now it's all I got

2010-05-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

okay so i went a bit crazy on taaz, an online makeover site but it was so fun! now, #1-3 involve me wearing no makeup and looking pretty rough but i never wear make up so tired eyes are okay. is that weird i never wear make up? on a daily basis i mean cause if i am going out to look good and dress up then i for sure throw some eyeliner and gloss on. woah, hold me back! actually from an old job i learned a great place to buy fake eyelashes and other awesome things, like wigs, so i should go back for more plus some thigh highs and what not because they're a great price.

so i am particularly partial to #5 and #6. if #6 could be that color I think I would do that. how weird is #8, that's zooey deschanels hair on me, gwen stefani is #7 and jojo is#3/4/5/6. i believe candace cameron bure is #1/2. so yea i have tried out dj tanners hairstyle.

thoughts? on this? life? why i am so bored? why i need a new job? bueller?

Well now wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cried are tears of joy

2010-05-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

tomorrow starts a week of slim fast shakes, salad with vinegar/oil, gilled chicken breasts, and fruit. those are all things i actually really love so it should be easy. as long as i have my protein i am god to go and a nice light next few weeks will do me well. too many time si have allowed myself to eat whatever i want and it isn't healthy and isn't good for my wallet. not that thai food is bad for me necessarily but i need to eat more that just that.

i bought a few things at target and marshalls this weekend that made me happy. new bath rug in turquoise. turquoise fluffy towel and a white one. really cute little rolled up towels to go in a cute little white box i got from tj maxx that says 'bath'. a cute picture frame. new sexyorganicshampoo. a new white rouched in the middle tank top and a white hoody from target. dog treats.

so this is my current hair. i hate the picture but it shows how my hair is two different colors. underneath is dark brown and on top the sun has lightened old highlights. i am debating on going back to black, like black black snooki style or redoing the highlights from last summer. things to consider: black is a bitch to highlight later, highlights are really hard to do because i have my normal hair color growing in + the old highlights+ the dark undertone, highlights are expensive, they look amazing, i am more tan that i was last year, they really are $$, time to do the highlights and maintenance, how i look, what if black washes me out or i look like a jersey shore girl? could i do black and have an awesome undercolor or something shocking like red? or pink?

so any and all comments on what i should do are majorly appreciated because i need some help!! also please note how i used to have such a cute skinny face. im working on it getting it back again thats for sure. having a define chin sure is nice lol. but seriously, i need a change.

maggianos + family + flowers + graduation + sushi + betty whte on snl + long talks with my best friend + shopping + bottled water and zones bars + suprising my mom= a good weekend.

also next is a new tattoo but i am still having trouble on knowing exactly what i want. i am thinking of words on my ribcage but in the white/ultraviolet ink. almost looks like a faded scar so its there but for me. its still looking like "You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness" is going to be the winner although i am thinking of somewhere putting the word 'patience'.

So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!

extremely loud and incredibly close

(one of my favs for the last few years)

oh! new sookie novel! dead in the family! bought and read today. love me some sookie and eric!

my eyes adored you

2010-05-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

I finally have a name for him!

It's Italian, short, sweet, also the name of a famous poet/writer and a GH character haha.

Bella and Dante. I like it.

do you still have my care bear?

2010-04-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

So when i think about why I don't blog or why some blogs completely annoy me or for that matter why most people and things annoy me, its really all for the same thing: whining. I hate when I whine and complain and I don't like reading about people who do it constantly. Which is why I realized I don't use twitter because so many people use it to complain and I just don't care. I hate complaining to myself so why in the hell would I want to be constantly updated on your problems with people spoiling Glee or some other show. If you don't want to be spoiled, stay off the site until you watch it or be prepared.Seeing you bitch about it via twitter just shows you need to step away from the internet and into real life.

This leads me of course to all the things I am happy about lately.

Neutrogena Face Cleanser and Moisturizers.

I am 26 and I am a bit embarrassed to admit i am just starting a face routine. I have always had good skin, it's breakout free and soft and I have never bothered about doing anything with it. I mean I seriously don't wash it. I just am pretty whatever about it but Bianca gave me a good and needed wake up call about using moisturizer which is a necessary. So with her recommendation I purchased the Neutrogena SPF one and have been in love ever since. Walgreen's is having a sale on Neutrogena products with a buy one get one 50% so I bought the night time cleanser and a combination skin moisturizer because SPF can clog more pores at night. I seriously don't know what I would do without Bianca and her advice but thank god for her!! So I have a new facial routine and great looking skin with a glow. Win win. Total cost? About $22 with the sale prices.

Jonathan Groff/ Glee

Who doesn't love Glee? I wasn't sure how I felt about Jesse St James played by Jonathan Groff but I am actually pretty sold on him even if he is a maybe bad guy. Kurt's line: No, she's dead. This is her son was ridiculously awesome. I am loving the second half of the season and can't for more. Also there is this amazing Glee drinking game I can't wait to try it out: "Sue says something that would create a lawsuit in a real workplace. So, basically chug whenever she speaks. Sing off . The Parking lot. 5 o'clock.

speaking of Glee...

Jimmy Fallon

Again thanks to Bianca, I get to watch all the hilarious Jimmy Fallon skits. Much like Rober is Bothered, he is a funny and likable guy. Remember he was just an idiot boyfriend?

Joe Manganiello

So he's clearly gorgeous but he's also a great actor that makes me laugh and I have like for a while. He's been on How I Met Your Mother, One Tree Hill, and will be on season 3 of True Blood. These are my top shows not counting Glee so how can I not love this guy? I loved the character of Alcide in the Sookie Books and can't wait to see how he portrays him. Also, he's Italian, do I really need to say more?

Other things making me happy are....

Some hooks up with a really hot in a scruffysexymasculinesmells sogoodiwanttobitehimandohmygodhisassisperfect isralei. It's sporadic and I often want to kill him but overall it's exciting and forbidden and fun. A completely unpredictable situation but that's okay for now.

I'm graduating in like 2 weeks or less. Crazy!!

I am obsessed with yummy food from Thai Spice. If you're in Chicago go eat here asap for some delicious and tasty thai food. The owner is completely nice and helpful.

I've been tanning and am loving the results. I always feel so good tan. Next is new hair color when I can decide on highlights or dark. I got my eyebrows done yesterday and the girl gives such a great arch and makes them look amazing. Along with a bangs trim and I feel pretty good.

Also something that makes me happy?
This guy.

I picked him up about a month ago in Michigan. I drove about 600 miles total to get him and he is ridiculously sweet. The only problem is he doesn't have an official name. I call him little guy but I want him to have a real name. I want it to be a name and not a verb or action or something, no scamp or rascal or buddy but something nice. Suggestions more than welcome. Bella seems to like him except when she becomes an asshole about sharing food or a toy or me and I tell her no when she gets sassy and then she gets mad at pees on my bed. Not cool. Especially when you don't see this and climb into bed after a long day and a soothing night time routine and feel a wet spot and realize what it is. Or whatever. Either way he's the newest member of my family although Elad bought him he's completely my little guy.

So that's whats been going on with me. Thanks so much for the comments on my last post. Even though I feel weird about commenting back sometimes, they really meant a lot to me. It helps a lot to know other people feel this way.

2010-03-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

Trouble will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm wanna cry in the morn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control

depression is sneaky. it comes so quietly you don't even know it's there until you're looking around your dirty apartment, sink full of dishes, laundry not done, homework isn't even close to being finished, and your dogs are looking at you begging to go out. its spending money you know you don't have on food you shouldn't be eating. its not answering calls from your mom and dad and best friend. it's having people judge you for all your decisions and who you hang out with. it's making the same mistakes. its being self destructive and not knowing how to stop. its putting on a happy 'i don't care/laugh at everything/life is all fun' face when you think you're going to cry any second. its talking only about boys and sex and anything that is as far away from whats really going on. it's the feeling of failure at letting yourself feel like this again and the 'why can't i be stronger this time'.

depression is familiar in the way the extra 5 lbs on a scale are and it comes a lot faster then it goes away. it mean and its hurtful and its tricky. it knows that by hurting people you love it will make everything even worse and that's what it feeds on. it keeps you in bed when you want to be outside. it is a cliche commercial for medication. its crying for no reason. its crying for very good reasons. its feeling lonely even when im surrounded by friends. its not answering the phone because who really wants to hear about this. its trying to make the wrong piece. its being a failure and a loser and knowing this is why things don't go right. its a pity party for myself.

its being fat and gross and stupid and talking to much to the wrong people and making all my own problems and being a big stupid whiny baby and hating myself.

Trouble is a friend, but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down my road

He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I roll down the window, I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
Ahh...

How I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave
I try, oh oh I try

But he's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine

oh t mos

2010-03-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

So I got my absolutely amazing v-day package from Tabitha at Probably Tabitha and it is absolutely amazing. I have been having a rough few weeks and the fact that she put so much thought into this package really cheered me up so much. I completely love everything inside it and Bella couldn't wait for her toy as you can see. I looked away and she snuck her toy before I could even take the tag off. I like how she acts like she has no idea how that got in front of her. Silly puppy loves that new toy. She also got some chew bones that shes obsessed with and I'm going to have to keep buying as she loves them. For myself, Tabitha got me the perfect candle holders and scented candles that completely go with my living room and look amazing on my new coffee table. As for the other goodies and candies and french manicure kit, I was amazed and my nails look great!

Thank you Tabitha SO much for such a lovely gift that made my week and really helped me get out of this fuck I've been in. Your card was so sweet and I love and appreciate what thought you put in. <3

******************************

My crush? Gone. Sad because having a crush is fun but it just wasn't to be. The more I know him the more of a friend he is and the less I like him in a want to occasionally kiss him way. So that's a let down.

School was something I basically was doing nothing (still doing well but just half assing it) about but I finally am back on track and feeling good and will finish the semester strong. Things I love? Writing a modern philosphy paper that includes, vampires, edward cullen, gerard butler, descartes wearing sweatpants, bad hair dye jobs, just to name a few things and getting a good grade.

I desperately need to go tanning. I did go and get my eyebrows one for $4 in my nieghborhood with a face massage after which was amazing. I love my neighborhood. They trimmed my bangs, did this thing for blackheads, and it was $14. I will be going back a lot more and I am going to a yelp review, which was how I found them in the first place.

I am currently obsessed with: How I Met Your Mother (I have been for months but still I can't get enough Marshall and Ted), cold grapes from the fridge, the new produce market I found, doing my own french nails (thanks tabitha!!), Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, thrift store books (i bought 47 this week), any kind of thrift store purchases, my 2 table from Target for the crazy sale price of $11 after tax, falling in love, friends, cooking (I made yummy stuffed peppers last night), and the smell of glade clean linen candles.

I really want to go to sleep but I'm waiting for laundry to dry. How exciting. I did manage to make myself a HIMYM ringtone and two Seinfeld ones so thats something. I also watched the new episode of Psych but really I am completely craving some new One Tree Hill. I am loving Mondays because of OTH and Life Unexpected. Sorry Gossip Girl but I don't miss you. To not continue with OTH is crazy because it has always been a solid show and the new Melrose Place sucks so get rid of it.

Okay so laundry and sleep and then cleaning tomorrow. I can't wait for my bed to hit the pillow...

the best of whats around

2010-02-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

so here's another holiday that can never live up to its potential. much like new years eve, so many plans and at the end of it, it can be awesome but never as often as in our daydreams. this year i plan on some wine, chinese food, and the new disney movie "stastruck". don't judge me because you know you secretly still love all the silly disney channel originals. i just have no shame about it. i am working some and the wine and some clearance chocolate and bella make a pretty good valentines day for me. my family sent me some cards and i am loved, if not someone's 'special' love this year thats okay.

last night elad was over and made a mix cd which was so old school but not nearly as old school as the tapes bianca taught me to make in high school. she made the best tapes and knew the trick of not pressing stop but pressing pause. so elads impromptu techno mix (seriously i felt like i was at the jersey shore and pauly d, the situation, vinny, and ronny were about to fight the beat and start hitting the floor until the beat came up) inspired me to create my own valentines day playlist. so, here you go!!

When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door

let my love open the door

preferably the version by steve carrell from "dan in real life" but the original by pete townsend works as well. sweet, simple, and just makes me smile.

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again

the heart of the matter

i like the india arie version from the "sex and the city" soundtrack. a little sad but i like thinking about getting over the past and forgiveness and moving on. remember the good and just keep on keeping on.

When you can wear what you feel
What do you wanna say?
Now love is a little number that you can wear each day

all dressed up in love

jennifer hudson sang this for sex and the city and i think it's a great upbeat song about getting out there and remember how amazing love is.

I want you to know that I feel bad for not making our dreams come true.
We had so many dreams, me and you.
I want you to know I love you.
You're my favorite thing from the past,
And all of those nights we spent together,
I never had such a blast....

leap of innocence

liz phair is probably my favorite singer/songwriter and i completely love this song. a little rock, a little soft, just a beautigul, simple, lyrics i love, and it just gives me a feeling a feeling thats more sweet than bittersweet.

Once upon a time I was so restless in love
When things we're fine, I changed my mind just because
Now I see how wrong and reckless i've been
Each frog has a prince just waiting inside of him

somebody's miracle

another liz phair song. i like this one because it reminds you that everyone is loved by someone and that sometimes you have to just give things a chance and take risks.

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

that's the way i loved you

there are so many taylor swift songs to choose from but i love this one because really, who hasn't had that crazy tumultuous relationship that's too passionate to really work but you miss just the same

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong

angels

this robbie williams song was "the song" for my high school love. this was our romantic lets "make love" song. it was from the dawsons creek soundtrack, good lord.

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

underneath your clothes

oh shakira! i adored the album laundry service and while i like her all shewolf style, i loved this song about a good healthy love.

No one knows that you're so understanding
Even though my love is so demanding
Every time you look at me,
Then you'll know we'll both agree
That no other love could be

i couldn't live without your love

an oldie and a good, petula clark sings this happy uplifting song about love and being together and lets face it, there are times when we're acting crazy that we wonder how the other person can be so understanding

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

haven't met you yet

from my last post its pretty clear i adore this song. enough said.

See, you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
And so can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the Best of What's Around

best of of whats around

dave matthews had it right with this one.

I'm pretty sure this is a better Valentines Day mix than Pauly D's...

Ke$ha, "Tik Tok"
Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire"
David Guetta, "Sexy B–"
Kid Cudi, "Memories"
Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance"
Britney Spears, "3"
David Guetta, "One Love"
Black Eyed Peas, "Imma Be"
Black Eyed Peas, "Meet Me Halfway"
Black Eyed Peas, "I Got a Feeling"

you don't have to go home but you can't stay here

2010-02-03T23:18:00.000-08:00

I am SO excited to have finally found a vanity. My bedroom is very classic and and feminine and this was the perfect addition that I have been searching a few months for. It was on craigslist for $175, then $150 and I offered $100 and she took it AND gave me the mirror as well. It fits perfectly, is in perfect condition and looks great with the rest of my things. The mirror with my perfumes on it I bought for like $2 at the thrift store, the telephone was $5 there, the Marilyn picture was $1, and the flowered bowl was only 80 cents. I use it to hold my jewelry which are both decorative really since I don't wear jewelry except for 2 necklaces which I never take off but the stuff I have looks nice in the dish and at least I have it in the open which may mean I swear it more. Not likely though. Bascially I'm really happy with how my room looks, it captures me nicely I think. All that's left is to find a tug and some curtains and maybe a few more decorative pillows.

On a completely different note I am no longer doing the nanny stuff which I am really happy about. If you know what, you know the story and that's that.

I hung out with McSwarthy Friday and it was pretty fanstastic. We were supposed to go see a movie but ended up talking for 3 hours over coffee, walking around the outdoor mall freezing (but smiling), going to the apple store, going to Macy's where I put my fav cologne on him (versace blue), and talking in my car. He texted me a few hours later and as a friend put it, i'm keeping myself delightfully surprised with him. I have finally started to enjoy things and not be a nervous spazz. But hey, the guy has seen me looking bad, good, spazzy, intelligent, funny, and drunk and is still around being my friend so that's something.

School is school is school. Last semester and some major senoritis.

Cooking with Elad and having dinner is fun. Dinners for one? Not as fun. Except for his snoring which I can hear from my bedroom when he sleeps on the sofa, things are good. Thew new job can be stressful at times for a few but overall I like it much better and I can do it while at home in my pjs, in bed, watching tv, playing xbox, etc. I can do it shopping too so I get to do what I love and make money.

I heard they changed the ending to "Dear John" which means I'll go see it since, if it ends like the book, I definitely would not have.

I am loving "Life Unexpected" and of course "One Tree Hill". Sorry "Gossip Girl" but I just don't miss you.

I am pretty much obsessed with Michal Bublés "Haven't Met You Yet".

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

baby, are we doing alright

2010-01-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

so while talking to the bff last night we realized there are SO many shows they need to bring back. while there are a ton of new shows out there i love and watch and dvr and all that jazz, there are some shows that are in need of a come back.

mtv's FANatic-because who wouldn't want to see some homolicious adorable 15yr old being gaga's biggest fan dressed like her? i know i would.
vh1's rock n roll jeopardy. seriously mark mcgrath and cece deville owned that game. plus how fun would it be to watch celebrities do that. a show about thing i actually know the answers too. [well i actually kick a lot of regular jeopardy ass but still]
mtv's undressed-so many people were on that show, so many random stuff was going on, and it was like skinimax for teens. the plots were riciulous but i loved it and didn't have to watch consistently to get it.
hermans head-seriously what a funny show and they could make it really awesome now with new technology and what not.
daria- because who didn't have a crush on trent?

and i somehow published this unfinished? ok?

i spent today watching lifetime movies. the plumber came and my dog was lazy and i wish i had an elliptical in my living room. i also rediscovered my love for suffrajett, a great band.

have you ever read a book and wanted to be in the book in a realistic way and not in the "lets get rid of bella and get with edward cullen ourselves and be a kick ass vamp and not a whiny baby" kind of way? i own the book "love the one you're with" and the character has such a good life. it makes me want to live in atlanta the way "smart women" makes me want to live in boulder and own a hot tub.

okay seriously why am i not in bed?

you're singing to me baby in my head right now

2010-01-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

So bella got more things today because she is a spoiled puppy but I did buy a basket to put all her toys in which I'm sure will last all of 5 minutes. At least it will be easier to clean up. I am making myself going to bed at midnight so I'll be up by 7:30 and ready for school tomorrow. I have Logic II, Modern Philosophy, and Women Men and Social Change. Should be a good day as the first 2 classes are with a fav teacher and a bunch of good friends.

Stayed on track with food today. Did have the mini meatballs from Friday with some rice which wasn't good, the white rice but I measured it and did count it and was still in my calorie range so that's good. Tomorrow I'm finishing up signing up for classes to do yoga, pilates, and cardio at school.

I am pretty sure my neighbor thinks I'm a 14 year old girl with all the Hannah Montana music I have going on repeat for days. Well some Newsies/Fame/Glee soundtracks have been on too...

Okay so B and I decided that I will bring some Dunkin Donut munchkins to my first class tomorrow with a fav teach/friends. Checklist for school tomorrow...

class schedule/rooms? check.
notebook/pens? check.
planner? check.
parking sticker? check (well we don't need it for 2 weeks and you get them at school)
printed things? not yet but I'll do at school where it's included in the tuition
excitement? check!

Also, Big Love tonight? Totally has me re-excited for the series. I seriously heart HBO and all it's good shows and the new ones that will air this year. Can't wait for more True Blood even though I wish the Eric/Sookie storyline was more true to the books.

I showered/lotioned/face washed/brush teethed/turned all lights off so bed time!! Have a great week and Monday everyone. Even if it is a Monday, it's such a great reason to sing along to 'Manic Monday'.

don't give me that face, when you know i'm really down for the chase

2010-01-09T21:22:00.000-08:00

So, after watching Iron Chef America where the secret ingredient was anything from the White House vegetable garden, I feel inspired. I'm thinking about doing some research and heading to the gardening store (nursery?) and the dollar tree to start my own little garden. Fresh things taste good, its inexpensive, and it seems like something fun. I'm definitely adding this to my 101 in 1001. My Grandma has an absolutely amazing garden and the fruits and veggies from there are phenomenal. I have a big ledge in my kitchen window that would be perfect for it. Eating fresh is a good part of living healthy and that seems pretty fitting with the new routine I'm trying to take.

Speaking of being healthy, this week has been good and bad. Yes, I totally had Chinese food with my Dad and then went to Bakers Square with my bff and her husband where we had BLT's and a slice of pumpkin pie with ice cream. So yummy but not good for calories. I am going to take a positive out of the experience because even though I really didn't want to, I still logged everything and saw the calories. Okay so it wasn't as horrible as I thought but it wasn't great obviously. Last night I had a Shabbat dinner with friends and I honestly didn't even know how to start counting the calories. We had tilapia, chicken, meat bourekas, mini meat balls, egg salad, regular salad in a lemon juice and oil dressing, yum!), rice, challah, hummus, and a simple chocolate cake. A little wine and it was a wonderful meal. Today I ate considerable better thanks to my mom.

During the week I have a pretty busy schedule which can led to fast food, school snacks, and vending machines. Or it just leaves me ravenous and then I eat snacks with the kids I babysit and while delicious, a lot of them are extremely bad to eat (mac 'c cheese or bagels with cheese melted on top and mayonnaise) . Luckily I have the worlds best mom so she helps me out with eating healthy. She makes a bunch of the food on weekend that can last me 2 weeks or so. She makes the meals for me to eat everyday which are good, filling, and extremely healthy and balanced. Now, I can eat the same thing everyday so for me this is an ideal situation. She makes me a cup of brown rice, 1/2 cup of green peppers, and 1/2 a grilled boneless/skinless chicken breast, sometimes she uses 1/2 a hamburger for variety. It has fiber, protein, a good carb, and is portioned and healthy. I add in 2 tbsp of ranch (sometimes with hot sauce) or 4tbsp of fat free Italian dressing for taste. I have been known to add ketchup in a pinch or soy sauce. The meals are so good, I can microwave them in 2 minutes, and its a huge help to my budget. I snack on Zone bars during the day when I can't grab a meal. Zone bars are my absolute favorite nutritional bar. They taste yummy, have only 190 calories, 12g protien, 6g fat and 22g of carbs. They are good when I can't grab lunch because they fill me up for a few hours and seriously, are REALLY good. I have turned friends and even a teacher on to them. Costco is a great place to get them for a great price too.

I know that me talking about food isn't that exciting but it's good for me to know what I'm eating, why, and I think it's fun to share healthy things. I loved Steph's new blog, Luxe Skinny and really want to try the recipe she posted. I think it's awesome that other bloggers are looking to get healthy. It is always easier with support which is a big reason why weight watchers work, the support. Well right now I don't have the time/money/I never got into WW but I love having the support of family and friends and bloggers! My first goal right now it to lose about 35lbs but the ultimate goal is to lose about 90lbs.

Steph also linked to this amazing blog, 344 Pounds where this guy named Tyler went from 344lbs to 216 so far and how he did it. He is amazing, inspirational, not to mention cute lol Really though, what an incredible journey that completely motivates and inspires me.

In other news, school starts Monday. I am actually really excited and actually a bit sad since it's my last semester and I will extremely miss the teachers there. My friends I can always see but I love being in the Philosophy department and all the fun we've had. This semester I want all A's so I am willing to work hard and meet my goals. On the fun side, there is a bar near my house and school that does Wednesday night pub trivia and some friends and I are going to start going. Plus a few of my friends and I share 2 or 3 classes so it's going to be a great last semester before I graduate.

Tomorrow is school supply shopping! I have always loved getting new notebooks and pens and whatnot so it's an exciting Target trip for me. I need to get one of those Pledge pet hair things to clean my sofas after Bella. I also need to pick up some more Weight Watcher bagels and some new candles.

Today has been an day of catching up on General Hospital, watching some Law and Order: SVU, cleaning up the apartment, and cuddling with Bella. If you're not my fb friend then you missed how adorable she looks in her winter outfit so here you go...find me a cuter winter dog.

let's do this

2010-01-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

i started my 101 in 101 and it should be up soon which i'm excited about. i LOVE checking things off a list, so that should be fun to do. i have a dry erase board which keeps me organized and i get such satisfaction when i cross a line through something. it's the little things in life that make me happy. although this week i feel rather lazy since my sleep schedule is a hot mess. i actually miss school. its full or learning and friends and schedules and i actually have really enjoyed it this year.

i am really excited to report that i have lost 5 lbs this week. i think it has to do with tracking what i'm eating which in turn makes me more accountable. it's also really easy to do because it works with an iphone app and so what i update on my computer goes to the app and vice versa. i am trying to eat better this week but i am also eating regular because it's good to see what i'm eating and how many calories and stuff i eat daily. i can find my problem areas and see what i can keep and what needs to get the hell out of my food. this means you oreos! what i know i love but need to be more careful about is ranch dressing.

i am obsessed with ranch dressing. have you eaten ranch and a baked potato? heavenly! ranch with chicken wings? steak. chicken in general. vegetables. bread. i love it with everything but 2 tablespoons of it is what i should be eating so i've started measuring which helps.

i am looking forward to next week and starting to use the school gym and try a spinning class. i just want to achieve my goals. i know it sounds bad to say but when i am at least back to my lower weight i feel better and look even better (what, i can be conceited, i have a hella cute face and great hair. i would just like to see my shape face and cute chin, not whats going on right now) anyway i want to feel better and i think that, well look, i am not attracted to a certain body type on a guy and so the same goes for guys and while i've never had a problem dating, i do that it narrows my options, being less fit. as a guy i know said, he wanted his mom skinnier/healthier so she could chase his future grandkids around.

i need to get healthy for my future kids and future self. now that my insane schedule is back to normal, i am ready to go.

new layout, new name, new goals

2010-01-06T00:41:00.000-08:00

All around me people are getting engaged and married. The fact is, I'm 26 and its the seemingly "right" time to do it for most of my friends. I am completely happy for them but, obviously, envious as well. I wouldn't say jealous exactly because while I wish it was me in a way, I know the point I am at in my life is not quite there. I have things to do before I am ready for marriage, no matter how much I may feel ready. What I have realized in the last 2 years is that I need to make it happen for myself. Which I am cool with and excited for and why I have decided to do a achieve my goals and go for my dreams. Here we go!

School. This is done really because I am in my last semester and will be graduating in May. Either a year off til Grad School or a Masters in Israel, not sure yet. Either way I want to eventually get a phd and teach ethics to children.

Independence. Well. I live by myself, work hard, and can live alone without relying on takeout food. I am a good cook, clean, and I can live alone happily with Bella.

Health. This is the big one. While I am not unhealthy and don't eat horrible, I need to lose weight. A bad breakup or 3 has left me heavier then I'd like although I do like how I look. So eating right, tracking ym food intake, and using my school gym with all its yoga, pilates, and spinning classes plus my bally's membership will help. Using Spark People has helped me lose 4 lbs this week and it's free. Win win.

Love. This will happen but I am not looking and I am not settling. I don't need to have sex with strangers or repeats with guys that weren't that exciting. A glass of wine and some How I met Your Mother with Marshall, Ted, and Barney will be just fine thank you. As for the crush at school, I am a definitely just a friend to him. Ya win some, ya lose some.

Friends. No toxic people in my life. Thank goodness the only one who seemed to be creeping in is gone and the past mistakes I am keeping an eye on. Truthfully I am just making more and more new friends at school, well solidifying friendships and I look forward to an amazing semester with them!

So my goals are clear and I will be using this blog to keep track of them and motivate myself. I made a new header and I did a new layout so check it out! I will be starting one of those 'things to go lists soon. Not sure if it will be a 101 in 1001 or a 30 by 30 list but it should be fun.

Happiness really is a journey. I always love what Charlotte says in the "Sex and the City" movie when asked if she's happy. "Not all day everyday...but everyday". That's me. I always feel so blessed I'm an optimist, I don't spend all day bitching and twitter and fb'ing negative things. Honestly some people post every complaint I feel like removing them as my friend. Bad days happen to us all but the more we spread the negative, the harder it is to be positive.

Alright since it's 2:40am it's time to get bella in bed and hopefully me too.

2009-12-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

Regarding Rachels post about the 20sb, I was going to leave a comment but it got so long I decided to post it.

As for the same people being nominated for the awards, I think in a way it can seem very cliquey BUT I think, as Jamie said, people should be proactive about it if they don't like it. To me blogging doesnt mean the same as most people and the fact is, some blogs are popular for reason. Blogging to me doesn't factor laregly in my life, I don't have a huge need to be part of a community, and the readers/comments I get are so suprising and so nice and unexpected. I don't often reply, partly because I don't know the etiquette and partly because I read on my iphone while driving or in class and it's hard. I know when i was an activr participant that people were open and welcome and I loved the community.

Does this mean the community is all wonderful and perfect? No, it is like anything else, it has good and bad. The fact is, if it means that much to be nominated, then be as involved as the nominees. They twitter, blog, meet up, they do alot. If that's not for you, then don't be mad.

Blogging is different for everybody. What it means, how it has changed their life, how they feel, their friends, etc. I really don't blog much because my life is busy. It is just busy and I have so many real life freinds that for me it is hard to write. But sometimes I get an urge and I write and write. Does that mean people who blog have no life or less than mine? Definitely not, it means they choose to express themselves and share and that's beautiful.

Don't get me wrong, there are some blogs I think are ridiculous. Some people are boring or annoying or just ridiculous, and guess what? I don't read them. Some people take blogging more serious then I ever would but to be dedicated is cool. For me, I believe on live and let live. If you don't like somehting, work to change or be quiet. People nominated and voted and the thing wasn't fixed, so I really don't see a problem.

I guess I'm glad I got to use the 20sb awards to turn into my feelings on blogging. Sometimes I'm sad I am not a part of the community and I don't make time but I just have so much other stuff going on. For me, not wiritng means things are good and I am too busy enjoying life. For me, this blog is less safe then it was. For me, blogging is about me, as selfish as it is. I care about the people I read and hope they are well but my priorities are different. Blogging is personal to us all and that should be respected.

possibility

2009-12-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

mistakes are part of growing up. i've definitely made a lot and i am okay with that. what makes me happy about mistakes is when i get to a point where i can almost see the crossroads in my head and am able to chose the right way. when i know the one way i've been leads to no good and actually choose the sometimes less fun but more rewarding in the end way. i like when i am able to pull back and say to myself "it's not worth it, it isn't something respecting you, it won't make you happy, you're doing the right thing" etc.

i have this habit of immersing myself in whatever group i'm in. do i lose myself or individuality? no. but i do like to immerse myself in experiences and try new things and sometimes get so caught up in the excitement i don't see things clearly. and even when i leave sometimes because i loved the people and the time i spent with them, i want to go back in. and i have to remind myself that everything wasn't as great as i remembered and there were alot of things i overlooked that were not good for me. and the fact that i can be honest to myself and admit it, is a huge step.

i have to work on not getting attached again and i think i am doing okay. not great but definitely solid. i keep in my head that this is temporary and while my heart is definitely NOT involved, i like the idea of having my friend back. luckily i am making new friends and my very best friend will be home in a few weeks. and side note, after the phone call i just got, sometimes people really can surprise you.

2009-12-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

books my brother brought me :)

bella hanging out with lady from lady & the tramp

my french memo board with pics i love

what scares the bejeebus out of bella on her walks.

if you're my fb friend you've seen this is my profile pic. love this dog. such a sweet girl. the thought of anything bad happening to her makes my chest hurt. anyways. my other post which i took down was just not something i felt like keeping. sufficient to say, i am in a better mood. well today wasn't easy (thanks NEIU financial aid department!) but as they say about life, it goes on.

i made a friend at school, well weve been friends this semester and i am really excited because she reminds me of my WA girls and she has a sense of humor like biancas and mine and shes really funny. the test? i hope bianca gets to meet her! i like that shes realistic and positive and shares the same interests.

papers papers papers papers. school is almost done! next semester will be a lot lighter, literally half the coursework so i'm very excited.

i spent a great weekend with my family which is always fantastic. more family in a few weeks which means i need to do xmas shopping.

i've also decided how much i adore ted moseby and especially his search and hope for love.
i know what thats like.

I'll never fall in love He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair

2009-11-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes you want something and you go for it and you don't get it. and you surprise yourself with how okay that is. every time i do something i don't think i can do, i am really proud of myself. so things didn't go exactly the way i wanted to with the crush but they didn't go bad. and the point is i didn't fall apart or think it was something about me and i accepted the situation.

sure i ended up making and eating chocolate chip cookie dough in my pajamas while on the phone with bianca, listening to the fame soundtrack. but lets be honest, is this so different then any other night. exactly.

basically what happened was i got a text from the crush about he got a 94% on this paper i helped him with and how h had the motivation again to finish the semester strong. i was like well good you should be grateful with a wink and he said u know it and i was like well i dont but whatever and we ended up talking on the phone for an hour and a half.

things i learned? while he said he liked events he did go to my event because i was there and if i wasn;t there he wouldnt have gone. and he thinks im pretty and have style. pretty in guy code, i don't know what that means but it's nice and better then cute.

also. marriage has made that guy super gunshy and apparently does not want a woman in his life. BUT. there is a girl thats nothing but something but nothing which i of course am like 'oh so you're fucking her, gotcha' and he was like kinda embarrassed and said no but whatever. i told him it wasn't my business which it isn't. the fact is he doesn't have to explain anything to me. but we talked about a lot of things and cleared the air and to be honest? i am really glad to get to know him. i even told him, hey you're pretty to look at but i like getting to know you, not getting in your pants.

and i really have no filter from my brain to mouth.

i have the most ridiculous cough and sore throat. NOT fun.

i bought True Blood season one for 19.99 from amazon along with Psych seasons 1-3 for 12.99 each and Star Trek for 9 so thats a good thing.

my butt is smaller and more toned thanks to all the stairs i climb which is nice but i liked my butt big and round but cute is good too and it can never be small really. thank god its not big and flat.

new tattoo coming soon.

thanksgiving was good and fun and family filled.

seriously cough, GO AWAY!

i did see new moon at 12:01 last week with reserved seats via muvico so no standing in line and i loved it but can't wait for eclipse.

things i need to do? a zillion papers, school stuff, car check up, not be sick, book san fran tickets to see my b soon!

alright i took some tyenol pm so lets hope this kicks in.

also i love all comments but not sure how to reply, email? back on the blog? help?

dr jones, wake up now

2009-11-16T23:11:00.000-08:00

Dear crush:

I try to tell you what I'm feeling
You just keep on staring at the ceiling
I try to figure out what you're after
But it's always such a disaster

Oh come on come on
Well you've been messing with my head
For oh so long now
Oh come on come on
Well you've been messing with my head
And it's oh so wrong now

'messing with my head' by tinted windows

i hate mixed signals more than anything. i am getting them so much and i am just done. figure it out. or not. but i am not waiting around. and yes, you have the prettiest eyes and smile. and i love that you told your cousin about me and how we talk and hang out and can talk about anything. and i like that you make a point to let me know you're hanging out with family and not girls. but what.the.fuck do i need to know that for if you aren't interested. just decide to take a chance or not. i am only asking for a clear sign or some words or just kiss me you idiot. i don't want to have 10 million of your babies or even give you a drawer in my apartment or a toothbrush. i just want to know that there is something there. don't tell me you're going to the event i'm doing at school but then be all whatever about drinks with the group after. you're 36! hello. you've been married. straighten it out. i love that you are comfortable with me and that we get along so well but come one, throw me a bone here. or just kiss me. that would work too.

Love

people i wish i was friends with

2009-11-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

Jason Morgan and Sonny Corinthos from "General Hospital"

Larry David

Nathan and Haley Scott from "One Tree Hill"

Brooke Davis from "One Tree Hill"

Everyone on "How I Met Your Mother"

Benson and Stabler from "Law & Order: SVU"

Kate Gosselin

(shut up! i absolutely love her which i will blog about this week)

Shaw and Gus from "Psych"

this post could alternately be titled: tv shows on my dvr

Some might take that for granted but certainly not me

2009-11-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

[just fyi-i changed the name of this blog because i was wanted something new and i'm not really confessing anything. change is good so i also changed my layout.]

so. i mentioned a boy (really a man) a while back. and then i didn't say anything because really nothing was going on. and he was busy and i was annoyed and last week i just took the offer off the table. and literally said those words but in a nice tone. i mean school is kicking my ass bit and i know it is for him so i was like hey no pressure offers off and yeah.

then we did some papers together and i helped him out. and we talked. and talked again.
and then he sent me a text thursday. and then picked me up for a drink. and we talked more.
and then we talked for 2 hours friday.

and there is nothing going on besides talking. and talking. and smiling. and laughing. and getting to know each other. and it is amazing.

i know that its actually the normal and healthy way people should get to know each other but its new to me. i am just not attracted to anyone besides the guy in question. actually i'm pretty sick of most of the guys i know. whether they are deluding themselves or asking things of me which i am not willing to give or just be arrogant and idiotic, the lack of men is disappointing. and i refuse to have sex/be intimate/etc with someone who while everything might be perfect isn't willing to say how he feels. if he can't do that he isn't perfect and he isn't for me.

did i mention this mans eyes are a blue with clouds inside them. they are an unreal blue grey with so much expression. his skin is golden and warm. his body is lean and tight. his smile lights up his face. and mine.

while the man is great looking [read: swarthy, patrick dempseyish, italian/bolivian] his brain is what i like. and how he talks slow and makes me talk slow and i think about what i say and get it out of my brain in a way people understand. and how there is no awkward silence. how he makes sure i get to my car safe and holds doors open for me.

who knows what going to happen.
i am making a new friend.
i am learning patience.
i am smiling.

and when he texts me i get butterflies.

2009-11-04T23:07:00.001-08:00

i want to fit in the perfect space

2009-10-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

people come into your life and people leave. sometimes their absence has more of an impact than you than their life did.

**************************

today i took the best shower. you know when it feels so good to be under the hot water so you do everything extra slow to make it as long as possible? since it's fall/early winter i decided that i need to do some exfoliating. i make my own exfoliator of olive oil and brown sugar. it works amazing and your skin feels sooo clean and healthy and glows. its natural and cheap so i definitely recommend it. some people use honey and sugar for a face exfoliator and i might try that but i really love the brown sugar/oil combo. i am thinking about making my own shampoo and seeing how that works. i like making things because they are cheap and healthy and well, less chemicals are always a good thing.

*******

i am SO excited that bianca is into one tree hill and almost caught up. it is a great show and i wish more people watched it. all gossip girl lovers should enjoy it. nathan + hailey=the nice chuck and blair. all the sexual tension, love, lust, without the backstabbing crazy. plus all the man candy on that show,yum! [i'm looking at you austin nichols and james lafferty]

omg omg general hospital is bring the good stuff this week. seriously the old lucky is back and the bitch claudia gets what she deserves. don't even judge me because i got into it this summer and i am addicted. unless you have watched a soap for a week, don't tell me its stupid kthanks.

*******

i moved.

*******

i bake cookies with my mom. i hang out with charise every morning. i go to school and try not to procrastinate and it sometimes works. i study and read and watch tv and read library books not schoolbooks and try to figure out my future. i help boys with papers when i have 15 minutes to finish mine and still accomplish both. i go to weddings and a funeral. i cuddle with bella. i go to the dollar store and thrift store and library. i enjoy my friends. i join ethics bowl. i laugh. i get the blues. i still want a new tattoo. i miss my best friend. i have skin that glows. i like a boy with skin that glows. i do my best. i dont do my best. i listen to the avett brothers. i buy tickets for new moon at midnight. i dont like the dunkin donuts by my apt. i question my faith. i read old blogs and want to find new ones. i need to lower my phone plan . i need to take the gre's.

*******

if people dont work how do they afford things? credit card debt scares me when someone isn't working.

why do people say "i seen that" and not "i saw that"? it drives me crazy. my ex did this and i do.not.get.it. it sounds stupid and lazy.

why am i such an idealistic cliche at 26? and do i care? if people thinking being idealistic is bad well how can things get better?

i read that we shouldn't change the world but change ourselves and then world will change.

hands down

2009-10-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

so i get to move into my new apartment next week and i'm getting really excited. to have my own stuff out and about again. the lighting the way i like it. just the feeling of me and bella and being SO much closer to school. having friends over. decorating for halloween. baking! cooking! friends (worth a double mention)! i can't wait for new curtains and finishing up my headboard (just need the fabric) and putting up my pictures and just having my own address. i will completely miss my mom and stepdad but the distance is SO far and the extra time will help me especially in winter. only thing missing is a warm body to cuddle under the blankets with and drink hot chocolate and carve pumpkins with. it feels like i've been single a really long time but it really has been a year and i know that i have gone on some dates and had some things going on but i haven't had the butterflies in my stomach- smile when i see his name on my phone- hand holding etc- that is the best part of dating. the problem is the only guy who gives me some butterflies is busy like i am and the timing isn't there. patience is a virture and i keep telling myself that.

also. i still LOVE one tree hill. love it. also obsessed with real world/road rules again. the office and glee. thats about where i am with shows. also i still love kate plus 8 and people who do not have kids should shut up because 1 kid can drive a person bananas and 8 means you have to be organized so now people see shes actually a good mom. what the fuck ever people i like her and that's that.

me not talking to my bestie besides email for 10 days is NOT fun AT ALL. i miss the hell of that girl and seriously my cell phone doesn't get any use with out her. COME HOME B i mean..hope you're enjoying your honeymoon ;) which knowing her awesome and sweet personality she completely is.

oh! check out the shoes i got for $5!!

oh deer judy peep toe

thank you thrift store :)

after a blink 182/dashboard/new found glory nostalgic moment i need new music. any suggestions?

also just finished: happy hour at casa dracula and midnight brunch and am reading the third of the casa dracula series, the bride of casa dracula which are funny quick reads that are more laugh than vamp but a chick lit book. something fun and light. also finished: lost in the forest by sue miller and a few others but those stick out in my mind. oh yeah and stranger than fiction by chuck palahniuk. well ive also read the consolation by boethius and some al ghazali but thats probably not that interesting to people lol

so tomorrow is a new day and tonight is going to be a good nights sleep.

conider me gone-reba mcentire

2009-10-07T21:10:00.001-07:00

Every time i turn the conversation to something deeper than the weather i can feel you all but shuttin' down.
And when i need an explanation for the silence you just tell me you don't wanna talk about it now.

What you're not saying is coming in loud and clear we're at a crossroads here...

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone

With you i've always been wide open like a window or an ocean. there is nothing i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin' i start thinkin' that we're lookin' we're lookin' at goodbye.

How about a strong shot of honesty don't you owe that to me...

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
If you don't get drunk on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this then i guess we're done
Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph someone who used to make you laugh.

If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then i guess we're done let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.

and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life

2009-09-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

I really want to blog about my very bestest friends wedding and I will but right now I have a boy dilemma! or man. or guy. whatever, you get the picture.

So this summer I took a few classes, one being Sociology of Media which I absolutely loved. In the class there were like 5 guys total and then like 20 girls. There was a really handsome cute guy who sat on the other side of the room. Black hair, blue/grey eyes, really good looking and quiet. I really loved the class, so while he was cute I didn't pay much attention because a)25% of the grade was participation b) I had a lot to say and c)he was across the room and how random/awkward would that be? So while we gave each other occasional glances I didn't think much of it. When class was over there wasn't a second thought.

Now it's fall and school started again a few weeks after summer school ended and I walk into my Sociology of Sexualities class and there he is. I was a few minutes late but when the class was over and we were all leaving we both recognized each other and said hi. He told me: "I didn't get a chance to tell you in the last class but I really liked what you had to say. It was really interesting and intelligent" [I'm paraphrasing here so it actually sound way cooler and less lame then I'm making it]. I of course was blown away that he told me this, that he thought that, and just thanked him and was really happy for a few days on that compliment.

Class has been going on a few weeks and I have definitely noticed him. We sit in the back near a mutual friend but not next to each other. So the friend, Miryam knows I think he's cute so when we had a group project she had him sit next to me and we all had a good time. I found out hes 36 and he found out I'm 26. He thought I was younger and I asked if it was because of how I look or how I act. He smiled and kinda stumbled on his words and told me I spoke eloquently and that it's how I look which I get a lot so no suprise. Everyone was surprised I'm 26 since they think I'm like 21. [I keep telling myself that it's great I look young and have good skin, I'll be happy when I'm 40 I think..]

So after class I am just like, Fuck it i am going to do this! I mean, strike while the iron is hot or whatever, right? So I was like "Hey, I have a question to ask you" and then I made this funny hand motion thing while i told him "Hey I don't know what your situation is but I was wondering if you want to hang out sometime" and he told me he had no situation and that he would like to. So we walked and talked for about 15 minutes. I found out he was in the air force, married for 2 years, lives in a far away city, used to live where my mom lives/I currently live, likes kids, and some other things. It was really easy to talk to him and we exchanged numbers. I explained how I would be gone the weekend and then was moving this week/end. So I see him in class tomorrow and i.am.nervous. Seriously I know I don't need to be but still. DO I have to wait for him to make the next move, do I make it?

I tend to just want to do eveything normal, see what/if he says anything about the wedding/me/talks to me. Then take it form there. Say it does go well, first date/hang out suggestions?

I have a ton of great second date ideas but not the first ice breaker, besides no movies(thanks patrick) which I agree with because then you spend awkward hours in the dark and yeah. I mean I love Chicago and it's fall so there are haunted houses, drive in movies, pumpkin patches, wine tastings, no mini golf :( but maybe bowling, a bulls game! etc etc but I need suggestions for a first date.

So guys? girls? puppies? Please send any and all suggestions for my next move/first date suggestion and I will be forever grateful!! Cause seriously, we need to insert a boyfriend in that picture, I already left him space cause I'm sweet like that lol

Ted: Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I'm waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

Stella: You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

Ted: Really?

Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'

Ted: For real?

Stella: No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

How I Met Your Mother

2009-09-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Bianca and Matt!!

"But I still couldn't figure out what it all meant. The more I found out, the less I understood."

2009-09-20T22:45:00.000-07:00

I got home tonight from an amazing weekend with my dad, grandparents, and aunt in Missouri. I had the most AMAZING steak dinner with mashed sweet potatoes and butter with pecan, I was definitely all nomnomnom. Ass a glass of Riesling and you know it was a good night. I went down to celebrate my dad, my grandmas, and my aunt's birthdays for sept/oct. We also got Halloween bags from my grandma, Mary Ann. She gave us target gift cards and a halloween shirt and a really great pumpkin lantern with candle. I also got my birthday card from August which had $ which was super unnecessary since they paid for my whole FL trip but was still nice and SUPER appreciated. I love the times where I just talk with my Grandpa about life, cars, sports, philosophy, and anything we can come up with. I love every moment my Dad and I talk and keep getting closer.

I love coming home to my Mom and stepdad. My step dad and I really didn't get along for most of my life due to a lot of circumstances pertaining to my real dad [not the one I always call dad but the ones i NEVER mention that lives in north carolina and haven't talked to for the last 4 years]. He picked me up from the airport and we had a really great talk and then came home to Bella and my Mom where we were all happy to see each other. I always feel so lucky to have so much love in my life and such a good relationships with my parents. Things might not have been easy but the love was always there and I had an amazing childhood and always feel very blessed.

Other things? I am actually loving those roll up sleeved flannel shirts and bought 3 of them for school but NOT the black and whatever colord blocked ones. The shirts are a blue, a red, and a darker gresyish colored plaid. Really cute, $15, and will work for school and work. Looks pretty cute over a tank so I'm happy. Also got a great framed picture of Marilyn Monroe. I love the look on her face and the shy pose. I have 2 other Marlyn's framed the same way so it's going to look great in the new apt.

Speaking on the new apartment, I move in like 2 weeks after Bianca's wedding. There has been talk of Mary Ann coming to help me decorate it so that would be awesome. We both love shabby chic so it could be really awesome. I want a definitely vintage feel so I'm excited. I have an awsome vintage Charlies Angels board game I will be displaying so yeah.

OMG how could I forget how much I adore World Market? I went to get some gifts there and fell in love with everything. I love love love the Vampire and Evil and Wicked wines for Halloween. The single serving Nutella packets are perfect for the plane and I love all the little stuff that just makes a home cozy.

Also I think my next library trip will involve some poetry. Any suggestions?

Reconnecting with old friends is great. So is making new ones.
Life is a gift. The more you give, the more you get.

*********************

I tried the key in all the doors, even though he said he didn't recognize it. It's not that I didn't trust him, becuase I did. It's that at the end of my search I wanted to be able to say: I don't know how I could have tried harder.

from extremely loud and incredibley close up

jonathan safran foer

7up and Meatballs: Or How My Family loves food

2009-09-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

(rough draft for an English essay, let me know what you think. its supposed to be a narrative)

    Most people see a 7up can and remember being sick. Of drinking it with crackers and staying home from school. Not me. When I see that familiar green can with the red dot, I always think of Sunday.
    Every Sunday growing up, my brother and I always had a very light breakfast. Maybe some cereal or eggs but absolutely nothing that would spoil our appetite. We would rush to get dressed because we couldn’t wait to go to our grandparent’s house. My mom and dad would drive us the short distance to my Gramma and Papa’s. I could always tell if we were the first there by the noise level. If it was only the tv, I knew we had beaten my cousins. If I heard loud talking and laughing, my older cousins Joanna and Jackie were there with my Uncle and his wife.
    I would always hurry my parents to help me out of my car seat, or when I was older, unbuckle quickly and run out as fast as I could to the open front door. I would always search out my Gramma for a special hug and kiss and see what she was cooking. After I would find my Papa outside in his garden and give him a hug and kiss. He always would pinch my cheek with middle and pointer finger like a claw, smiling and telling me he loved me.
    My aunt Laurie, who was 10 years younger then my mom, still lived with my grandparents, so her room was always the next stop. I would tease her about her Elvis posters, ask when her boyfriend Danny would be coming over, and would just sit and bask in how cool she seemed to be. I was the youngest grandchild and always treated like a little princess, which was in fact my nickname. I loved the privilege of hanging out with my ‘cool’ aunt. I used to look up Lice (find under ‘Louse’) in the set of World Book Encyclopedias and show her. I would pretend to show something else but always ended up with the up close, black & white picture of the louse which would completely gross her out.
    My mother and other Aunt would begin to set the table for the 10 or 12 people who would be eating hours before we ate. They would set the table and then talk with my Gramma about who she saw at church, what was new, and the local gossip. When the Spaghetti was ready everybody would be called to the table. The huge bowl of steaming homemade spaghetti with meatballs, sauce we called gravy, lamb on the side, and grated cheese in bowl were set out and we all took our places.
    Where we sat was set in stone. My Papa was at the head of the table with my Gramma to his right. I always sat next to her and my brother and Aunt Diane were directly across from us. Next to me was Aunt Laurie, then my Mom and my brother Phillip. Across from them and using the other end of the table were my Uncles, his kids and wife and my Dad. It was a lot of people and elbows were always bumping as we reached for more gravy, cheese, and napkins. The rules were no loose hair while we ate, mostly directed at me and my long brown hair that shed everywhere, and no nail polish. I am not sure why this was but my Papa didn't like it and none of us dared showed up with it out of respect for him.
    I would keep asking for the gravy so I could put a ton on because I couldn’t wait to soak it up with the Turano bread I loved. More than the homemade meatballs and tomatoes sauce (made from the tomatoes my Papa grew in his garden), there was one thing I loved the best of all. It was the 7up. Monday through Saturday I was only allowed milk, juice, or water. No pop allowed at all. This was a rule I followed even when my family was out of sight (which wasn’t often but still) and so Sunday was so special. I would clap my pudgy hands together and be so excited to be handed a glass of ice and the cool refreshing 7up. I would greedily drink the first few sips, savoring the bubbles and crisp taste.
    After the spaghetti, more courses would be served as the used dishes would picked up by the women of my family. We would be served chicken breasts, roast beef, Italian sausage, grilled zucchini, roasted red peppers, and other dishes made with love by my Gramma and later my Papa. After he would retire, he would begin to cook most of the meals since it was a passion of his. He loved to make everyone their favorites dishes as a surprise and I was also excited to the special roasted potatoes he knew I loved. He made special chicken for my mom and roast beef for my brother. There was also a salad with pil and vinegar dressing that remains my favorite to this day. With so much food and being allowed only one can, I would start to savor and slowly sip my precious pop, wanting it to last for as long as it could.
    After dinner, the men would gather to the living room with the younger kids and the woman would start the clean up process, trading off dish duty every week. When I was old enough I would help by wiping down the table and later sweeping. I felt like a grownup the first time I was given the task of washing the dishes.
    Whatever sports game was on, my Papa was laying in front of the living room table with a pillow where he might watch the game or take a nap. I might go join my Gramma in her room to watch my own tv shows or nap in the big comfy bed with the peach comforter. My Gramma would save me the Sunday comics from the Tribune and I would read my favorites like Brenda Starr and Peanuts until it was time for coffee and dessert..
    Stelladora cookies, coffee, and Entenmanns chocolate donuts would follow with more talk until the sun would start to set. More clean up followed by my sleepy eyes and we would all get ready to go home. Leftovers packed for everyone and Hershey’s chocolate bar given to all the grandkids and Sunday was over. Hugs, kisses, and goodbyes were never sad because we would see each other in a week, if not sooner.
    From the time I was born until I was 21 this was my life. Husbands came and went in my family, including my father but no matter the cast of characters, Sunday was time for family. My grandparents house was a warm place that was special to visit and always a treat.
    Im 26 now and two weeks ago my stepfather picked up my Gramma and brought her over for Labor day. My mother, stepfather, Gramma, and I sat around the table, eating the barbecued ribs and potato salad my mother made. We laughed and talked and all ‘secretly’ snuck food to my dog Bella when we thought no one saw. As we cleaned up the table and put everything away, I couldn’t help but smile as I threw my lone 7up can in the recycling. Some things never change.

Publish Post

the one where i'm a narcassist

2009-09-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone facebook stalks me?

I can't wait to be in my own and start cooking again.

I can't wait to see my best friend get married.

I can't wait to sart the workout bootcamp on Monday.

I can't wait to go to the library tomorrow.

I love how tan I am.

I love my curly hair.

I don't love having to write 3 papers this weekend.

I love that one of them is on sexual observations in everyday life.

I love quotes.

I love amazing massasges followed by amazing sex.

I love new books and rereading old ones.

I miss missing someone.

but this was none of the above, i'm aware

2009-09-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

so among other things today, i found out my high school bf is a craigslist lovin possible bi sexual.

"Straight guy looking for first time - m4t - 25 (n. hollywood)"
I am out here on business and have some free time. I have never tried anything like this. Looking for someone white, maybe hispanic. 25, 6ft slim build. Let me know what you want done to you. Maybe you can try a blowjob or anal for the first time on me. Please reply with photo. I have a hotel, but no car. Tonight or tomorrow. Hope to hear from you! [i left out the pictures of his man parts because, while endowed, who wants to see that? plus this is a work safe blog so yeah]

Okay...really my favorite part would have to be the exclamation at the end. "Hope to hear from you!" How hospitable and cheery of you. What a southern bell you are. So yeah don't even ask how I knew he was doing this but sufficit to say I wasn't trolling the LA craigslist casual encounters. Oh and he is also looking for BBWs so I guess he is open for anything at this point, men, women, size, race. At least he is apparently an equal opportunist. Wonder what his live in 19 yo gf thinks? [he's 26 almost 27 btw. which brings up the point why did he put he was 25? bianca pointed out maybe he's been doing this for a while and just cuts and pastes. first time my ass! or his haha. sorry.] Also, my mom wanting to see the ad, remaking on his sizable manbits, being complerelty grossed out by him as well, and recalling how she once heard me having sex in high school. yeah.

In other interesting tidbits from my Labor Day, I got to hold a glock today. Gun safety is important and so I held it and got to look it it and not be so scared. It was very clearly checked and unloaded but still, the fact is a gun is amoral but the people using it make the decisions about what it's going to do. I am going to the gun range next weekend for my first time AND my mom and step dad will be signing me up for the NRA. Hot. Really though I want to be comfortable with a gun and respect it and learn to use it because you really never know when a situation might come up and better safe then sorry.

Also today I went to a bar mitvah this morning. Really great AND I got a tshirt airbrushed with my name so please be jealous kthanx.

Tomorrow I am waking up, leaving the house at 7 to take my Grandma home, got to class, then meet Bianca for some bustlin and good times!

I have been having inappropriate fantasies involving lingerie, a long cardigan, and a crisp fall night.

Song on repeat? Cannonball by Damien Rice

jesse, i wont cut fresh flowers for you

2009-09-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

Elizabeth Gilbert

(Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)
(also see a great post from carissa about the book)

That quote basically sums up my past relationships. It's starting to be fall which makes me want to cuddle and light fires and drink wine and even go camping! While I am okay being single and actually pretty happy about it, I can't say that there aren't times when I don't miss having someone to spend some special moments with. I was explaining to someone the other day, I think to my mom maybe, about what I miss. I miss the feeling at the end of the day when it's been a long day and you climb into the cool sheets of your bed and there's the person you love most laying there, warm and ready to embrace you and nothing needs to be said. I know I am not where I need to be and that I dont even have the time for that special someone but I can still occasionally miss it. Either way, I have a small crush on someone at school which is enjoyable [and by enjoyable i mean makes me nervous and giddy].

I have been having the absolute best time with Bianca being home. We have thrifted, had food thats horrible for us but delicious, seen The Ugly Truth, went thrifting, went to a party and saw high school friends, had iHop at 2 am, talked in parking lots, had free pie, laughed til we cried [i know the ferris wheel], and just had the best time. This week I get to learn how to do her bustle, get her a garter, and buy a bra for the bridesmaid dress. I've said it before and I'll say it again but I am so lucky and blessed to have her as a bestie. I can't wait to see her get married in less that 3 weeks!!!!

I had a wonderful day with my family. My mom and I went to the store where I tanned and she shopped and met up with me. My stepdad picked up my Grandma so she could sleep over and spend Labor Day with us. We went to Petsmart, got coffee, and went on a walk in the forest preserve with Bella. Then my Mom made us dinner and we watched home movies so my Grandma could see videos of my Grandpa that passed away about 5 years ago. I love my family and it feels really good to spend time and just talk.

Oh on the tanning front, I have gone the last 3 days and will be going for the next 4 and then keep going every few days to keep up my tan and also look good for the wedding. I really just look better with color. I might do a tan cocktail or spray and tan on mondays and tuesdays. Not sure yet but enjoying the extra color.

I have a bar mitzvah tomorrow for the oldest boy I babysit.

I'm moving back into my own apartment in a few weeks. I will be glad to have a much shorter drive but I so don't want to leave. I love seeing my mom everyday and I love Antioch and the scenery and open skies and land. If it wasn't for me being scared to drive this during winter I would stay. It is nice to live on your own though. After my last experience, I realized that I only want to live with family or someone I am in a relationship with. I am thinking about having a Halloween costume party in my new place but we shall see.

Oh, I have another new lay out.

Oh oh! Thanks so much to Aritza for the blog award!

Here’s how this one works: USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? next to me on the desk
2. Your hair? brown with highlights
3. Your mother? amazing
4. Your father? which one?
5. Your favorite food? chinese
6. Your dream last night? dont remember
7. Your favorite drink? water/rum&diet
8. Your dream/goal? love
9. What room are you in? study
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? married/teaching/israel/san fran
13. Where were you last night? all over the city with bianca
14. Something that you aren’t? quiet
15. Muffins? plain bran
16. Wish list item? love when its time
17. Where did you grow up? suburbs
18. Last thing you did? this blog
19. What are you wearing? pj pants, slippers, john lennon tee
20. Your TV? sunday
21. Your pets? bella!
22. Friends? i have the best
23. Your life? happy
24. Your mood? tired/wistful
25. Missing someone? no
26. Vehicle? honda civic coupe
27. Something you’re not wearing? a bra
28. Your favorite store? the thrift store
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? an hour ago
31. Last time you cried? yesterday, from laughing
32. Your best friend? bianca!
33. One place that I go to over and over? the library
34. One person who emails me regularly? my mom
35. Favorite place to eat? my grandmas

Thank you so much aritza for this!! I guess I get to give it to someone and I most def choose Miss Bianca from Isn't She Pretty in Pink, Mandy from Just a Small Town Girl, and Carissa from The Lovely Dove! Blogs I never 'mark as read'. Blogs that have 3 strong, sweet, smart, and intelligent woman who share thri lives, thoughts, and always make me laugh and smile!!

Now for the lolz...

i want to chomp into your throat lol

memories...

2009-08-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

i was going through my old livejournals and whatnot and found what i had written in the last few years about some of the men in my life. i feel like its really important for me to remember how i felt and where i was so im reposting them...

New years Jan 4, 2005 at 1:23am

"i love your hair" is how it starts. some drinks and you feel so friendly and happy. how can you resist telling that tall boy with so much curly hair what you think? and when you kiss and he holds you, wow, so nice. but you leave, promising to be back and go off, seeing other boys and making new friends everywhere.

and then you go look all over and can't find him and when you do there's a big smile on both your faces and you kiss and stay together the whole night. the whole show no one gets near you because he makes sure and you feel safe. and when he asks if you want to share a room, you say yes. because your friends know him and you feel good and he has the most innocent face and best lips. so you take him home.

your best friend can't believe it, so worried and mad. but you let it happen anyways. you see something different in this guy. you know he won't do anything bad and you can't wait to kiss him alone. "did you enjoy the show?" you ask because you really want to know and he smiles and tells you "all i can remember is you, so yeah of course" and you blush because he drove 5 hours to see ths band and instead kissed you all night and doesnt even seem mad.

so he calls you "baby" and kisses you softly and says he can't understand why you think your eyes are boring. you tell each other all the important stuff and you don't care about the big news he tells you, you like him the same. he is happy and suprised you have so much in common. he can't stop touching you, his voice in awe when he tells you he loves how soft your skin is. he holds you close the whole night, making sure you have enough blanket and "are you thirsty" and does he breathing bother you? he tells you he hasn't slept well lately but with you its so easy and you believe him. why would those green eyes lie?

"you feel so good baby, this is amazing". his voice is soft and sincere and he looks you straight in the eye. hours seem like minutes and you have no idea what time it is and people call and all you do is lay in bed looking at each other. you keep trying to get up but kisses turn into more and then youre tired and falling asleep again.

when the sky turns dark again you realize you have to get up. so you shower and he lets you go under the hot water and you laugh and wash up. and he gels his hair and you pick out clothes, smiling and thinking how nice it is to be so comfortable. he loves your perfume and keep smelling you, saying you smell like candy and you laugh and let him kiss you.

he drives you to your friends, and he can tell youre giving him the fake smile, the one that says things are okay when all you want to do is cry or be hugged. and its only be 24 hours but he already knows your smiles and the way youre eyes glaze over when you start to cry. and he holds you and kisses and you say goodbye. but you don't exchange numbers, cause whats the point? he lives 5 hours away and when will he be back and theres just so much. so you leave.

and when you see him later that night, and he doess't know youre going to be there, youre scared and was this the same guy who fell asleep with his arms wrapped tight a few hours ago? he's sorry your best friend is mad and how much does another goodbye suck? and when everyone leave and he says he has to drive home and you kiss and he tells you long distance is no good, you almost believe him.

but you know better. your friends have taught you better. so when you find out he stayed the night and just didn't want to see you but "boy guys, she was good" and "no, don't show those pictures" (who gives drunks cameras anyways?)you are anything but suprised. you remember he telling you he wasn't like this and "i guess you don't believe me but it's true" and think, ha, i was right, i win. but your prize is a lonely bed and unkissed lips.

Oct 2, '04 12:05 AM

totally unexpected.
i'm still not sure what happened.
you couldn't look at me.
the timing was off but there are many months to come.
i couldn't stop laughing.
the cubs lost and you looked so cute.
your beard was softer then i thought.
we tried our best.
beautiful.

december 19, 2003
one day im going to be happy with someone. really happy. i dont know when but im hopeful. i have amazing friends and family, honestly a person couldnt ask for better people. but as much as they love me and i love them, being in love, cuddling, hugging, and all the feelings and things that go with love i cant even name, those are things i miss. to give a gift just because, to kiss them whenever, to fall asleep with them and wake up with them. i guess i havent met the person yet who's going to love me and worry and care about me, who wants me to be with them. but im 20. so i have a good while. and who knows, maybe i never will. but ill still enjoy life and be happy with all i do have.

[really, wow at this, a lot has changed for me and even though i don't have this i am content to wait which i dont think i was then as much as i wanted to be]

october 5 , 2003 ramblings
i miss you and you dont even know. what did you do all those months we were apart? when she was in your arms, did you wish it was me? did you call her beautiful and tell her you would never leave? and when she though you were coming back but you headed to my house, did you care how'd she feel? all the memeories you made i won't ever have a clue about. the things i did you wont ever know. and no. im not your girlfriend. i dont care about your next victim. but...

nothing is ever right except when i'm in your arms, lights off, skin against skin, just breathing, my head on your chest, listening to your beating heart (its the only way i know you have one) just when i fall asleep, your lips on mine. all i've ever asked for is what you are, but i'm starting to want more. and all you want is for me to hold in you in the dark. only i know your secrets.

when youre home, the lies will start and my heart will bleed, and i'd still give up anything for you. the day doesnt even matter. every night my phone will ring. your car already parked, you halfway to my bed. no matter what i'll hold you breathe again and remember who you are. that you never had to put on an act for me. that youre home. and that i know you better than the others could only dream of.

and no. im not pete. this skin is my own.

************************
totally random but i found bella a halloween costume today.
how adorable!!

she wolf

2009-08-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

i need to.......

buy a ticket to san fran
go tanning
buy school books
buy a wedding gift
buy a bridal shower gift
buy glasses
buy a strapless for the bridesmaid dress
buy new pens for lists to write in the new franklin covey planner i need to buy
make a hair and nail appointment before san fran so i dont have roots or scraggly nails
buy jewelry for the dress

i need to buy a lot of things and also make the money to buy these things.

i just went to a brit, school starts monday, i have a bar mitvah next sunday, i'm out of town the next weekend, and then its biancas wedding!! and then i move!! so its going to be busy with 6 classes, a big list of things to do, a long drive to and from home but i dont even care. i need to fill out applications and look at schools for next year and start with the Rabbi and it feels SO good to be busy and accomplishing. im off to read some more library books and cuddle with bella and take out my contacts finally!!

because i have free time

2009-08-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

so i went to the thrift store on saturday with my friend charise and had an awesome time. we tried a ton of stuff on, laughed a lot, i bought an outfit a la mrs roeper from 3's company and some old lady glasses and a 70s style wine cup which will totally become a halloween outfit thankyouverymuch. i got super tired after a while and was totally lounging around in the store. charise got a bunch of amazing dresses and pants and we got books and i got a bundt cake pan. good times!! the best things i got were the Sarah Jessica Parker Blazer from her Bitten Collection, brand new with tag still attached! its comfy and stylish and totally makes me excited for fall [sorry mandy ;)] the j crew scarf is fabulous and also new!! i LOVE the argye on in! the other scarf i also totally like and plan to wear a ton. the 2 leather clutches are fabulous and so cheap and i cant wait to use. the moccasins are from target but for 3.48 thats an awesome price. i also picked up a private hotel for gentle ladies which i finished and really liked. i got a copy of the secret life of bees which i read a few months ago and recommend.

this leads me to what else i did this weekend....the library!
i have mentioned my current obsession with lisa kleypas and i got quite a few of her books after a lengthy search with the librarian. i also picked up the charlaine harris books that have some sookie/sookieverse short stories which might tide me over til more true blood/a new sookie book. i picked up some books on kabalah as well and a few collections of fiction short stories. thats a new section in the library i'm loving. they're actually from the non fiction section but the anthologies are great and theres one on love i'm going to read next.

also at the library i had a creepy incidental with a man from match.com which i was on OVER A YEAR AGO!! this crazy dude kepy messaging me there and i blocked him. then one day im at the library and he starts saying i look familiar yada yada and gives me his name/age/etc. im like whatever but when i go home i realized he was the match.com freak AND he gave me a different age. so i just said whatever eww and that was that. cut to this weekend when i'm in the mystery section and hear someone say 'tiffany'. i obviously look and say 'yes' and then see some guy. it takes me a second and i realize its the same creep and i say " OH NO no no no" and just walked away. i thought maybe it was rude but then i was like hell no im being safe, right? i mean what would you guys do?? ugh!!

also i have decided to go on weight watchers to help me get back on track and manage my weight and get to a heather point. to be honest, i like how i look enough and am happy. i would like to be healthier and i know its just easier to be a lighter weight. i am NEVER going to be a size 2, 4, or maybe a six. but i want to be more active. i LOVE my curves, my ass, my breasts, my shape. I love my face, my hair, my skin. Am I always happy? No one is. Not even supermodels who get airbrushed but thats okay. Who i am is not my weight but it is a part of me, does that make sense? I am not going to get myself all pumped up and psyched to fizzle out after some over extending work out plan. I am going to ease in with weight watchers so I can hold my self accountable, actually utilize my iphone for food tracking, and maybe figure out a workout routine after i get into my school schedule. right now my current my thing is weight watcher mint choc chip ice cream (2 points) mixed with their chocolate cake (1 point) because its SO satisfying and a much healthier alternative.

my downfall is late night eating mixed with being a nanny with kids who LOVE carbs which are my mortal enemy. mac and cheese and pasta and pizza all the time. ugh!! but i will work it out a la high school musical 2 style *cue music and zac efron dancing*.

i am beautiful and i feel beautiful and i am me and thats that. confidence is sexy. and i am sexy. and we all are.

oh! i sent my conversion application in. wish me luck!

it was a drive by fruiting

2009-08-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

first off, why am i wearing a polo, jeans with the cuffs rolled up, and moccasins? can we talk about that for a second? yeah. i think its because i didn't want to wear flip flops due to rain and then didn't want to wear a tank top but also didnt feel like my hoody and apparently i prepped myself out. i am currently not loving it, though honestly it doesn't look bad. it's just really not me ya know? so i brought along one of my fav john lennon tshirts from target and am thinking about putting it on. [actually i was going to write donning it but that seemed lame so....]

i am also going to admit that i LOVE some Lisa Kleypas romance novels. if people asked me what i liked to read last year, the answer would have been "anything but historical novels" but now i am a fan of the bodice ripping, manhood throbbing, books. Lisa Kelpyas is my favorite because she had a lot of characters make cameos, makes her own world, and just writes a great story. Are they the best novels ever written? No. Are they enjoyable, fun, a good read, and worth it? Yes. I recommend Worth Any Price and the rest of the Bow Street Runners trilogy then The Hathaway series and well, you'll see where they take you.

Also, other books i REALLY recommend.

Smart Women by Judy Blume
These is about 2 woman in the 80s in Boulder, Co. It makes me want to move to Boulder. It also makes me not be scared of getting older and makes me look at my life now. I love Judy Blume and this book really makes looking at life and love and friendship in an honest way. I reread it all the time.

Summer Sister by Judy Blume
This book is just sad and happy and gives you a really intimate look at best friends. @ girls growing up from the 70's when they're 12 to their 30th birthdays is special, thoughtful, you'll cry and laugh and see yourselves in the characters.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

"I feel too much. That's what's going on." "Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel the wrong ways? "My insides don't much up with my outsides." "Do anyone's inside and outsides match up?" "I don't know. I'm only me." "Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside." "But it's worse for me." "I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him." "Probably. But it really is worse for me."

Probably one of my favorite books ever, if not the most favorite. It make me weep, literally. The story of Oskar is beautiful. It is a beautiful book and when you can say that about a book with September 11th, that's something. I read it when it came out in 2005 and I can honestly spend all day quoting it. This is my number book everyone should read.

It makes me want to tattoo this on my side "You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

***********************************

On a different note 2 of my friends [separately] came back from Israel today. One brought me a shirt which I have yet to see and the other brought me a wonderful silver hamsa necklace and a beautiful pray key chain. I was happy to hear from them and know they got here safely. Belated bday gifts are just an added bonus. Mayan knows me well since the necklace is exactly what I wanted. I saw him and we played the New Call of Duty where I got beat very very badly but I haven't played xbox in forever sooo.

I have been twittering more as of late. I have had some faith restored in the whole 20sb and bloggers in general by a response to a post that was very varied in feelings. It showed me people are still able to say what they want and not be afraid and worried about being popular. Sometimes people get caught up in things and sometimes they make the best Internet videos a la Belle Renee and the video we all love to watch and smile to for 20sb vlog day.

Okay Bella needs to stop looking all adorable! I am off to read and cuddle with the pup!

Oh. Also. I am totally addicted to Mystery Case Files: Prime Suspects.

Also also. Flossing feels good and is good for you.

baby vamp

2009-08-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

Look to the left. What do you see? An awesome 3 year old rocking the Vampire teeth? hell yes! If you could only see the home movie, you would totally realize I am giving Eric a run for his money with my "i'm a monster" lines. People might say they were into vampire before twilight and sookie but i've been repping since 1986, just saying. Also notice my adorable haircut. I was watching home videos on the good ole vcr and and snapped a shit with my cell phone which is why it isn't so clear. i need to convert the vhs to dvd soon. i want to make copies for my entire fam since its the only footage we have of my papa who passed away in 2004. my grandmas hasn't heard his voice since and i know she would love it. he was amazing man, rest in peace.

if you're my fb friend you've seen birthday pics but this is my fav from my 26th [gasp how old] birthday. hot hot day so dresses were a no go and so was drying my hair. best friend, best cake, best birthday. i really did have an amazing time and am so lucky to have such a bestie.

in 5 short weeks she will be getting married and its going to be amazing. as i tell her, i need some paxil or prozac so i dont become a weeping mess. shes so beautiful and happy in her dress, that makes me tear up. i heart her fiancee and just can't wait for the celebration of my fav couple!

i NEED the fangastia calendar.

i need sleep.

i need for my car not to be a jerk.

i love my mom. love love love love her. even when she drives me crazy and im being a stubborn brat she is the best. i can't imagine not telling her that every day.

i just realize i actually started writing this post with correct capitalization but it didn't last long.

i have had the biggest urge to watch the lion king

hakuna matata

if my life is mine, what shouldn't i do

2009-08-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

so! summer school is over and i am SO glad. i mean seriously it was insanity how many papers i was writing. the class i was worried about i found out i passed so the rest feels good and its nice to have free time. 2 more weeks and it's back to homework. i like being busy and focused though so i am almost looking forward to it. next semester im taking: drawing, english, contemporary philosophy, medieval philosophy, philosophy of law, and sociology of sexualities. only one class fridays so thats kinda awesome. my last year until grad school [knock on wood]

that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl

but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have
rise against

sunday nights are officially the best nights ever on tv. while i usually would say monday night is because of gossip girl and one tree hill, it's actually now sunday. monday night has chuck bass and my one tree hill guys but they are boys. antonio sabato jr and eric northman are men. sex hot men. who go shirtless. and inspire lurid naughty sex. and who are charming. and who i dont feel like a weirdo watching.look at this beautiful italian man. look at those dimples, whats sexier?? nothing. so. he is so charming and sweet and kind and sexy. yum yum yum.

tonight's episode of true blood was HOT. the eric/sookie was amazing and godric was so sweet. my grandma seeing breasts was interesting, she was like are they naked and i was like uhh, yes.

i'm writing this as i'm on the phone with my one of my best friends[love you trish] so excuse me if this isn't the best written post but whatcanyado.

oh. i have a new layout!

my mom made me a delicious steak for dinner and it was fantastic. love my moms. also loved steamers peas. very good and good for you.

cleaned my room. started getting excited for new school supplies. i absolutely love new pens and notebooks and pencils and paper and highlighters and sharpies and a new assignment notebook. i have always loved it and clearly nothings changed. i like to color code my pens and notebooks and now you all know what a nerd i am.

want to smile? go here.

tomorrow is work all day, maybe a movie, and a good friend might be having her baby.

mondays are possibilites.

via quote book via prettyfnmess

shoulda woulda

2009-08-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

so i have been back in school for the past year and while i usually am paying attention, writing notes, and just general being awesome, i do let my my eyes wander. i see a lot of people and they obviously see me. there is usually one guy who catches my eyes a semester and usually i don't do much. well. there was one time my teacher thought it would be a good idea to set me up with a fellow student. turns out the hot scruffy ex army man well not very well endowed, had ex issues, and after we had sex never came back to class. maybe he's finally owning the coffee shop he always dreamed off...but i digress.

the point is, doesn't everybody has a crush or like or just find someone attractive that they see and who will never ever know? maybe the starbucks guy, a blogger, the library girl, the kid who sits next to you in class, a co-worker. someone you like and get giddy when they are near and you notice what they wear or if they cut their hair but you don't act. maybe you don't even tell someone you have the crush. youre best friend doesn't even know. maybe you just sit across them on your way to work everyday and sip your coffee and hope to make eye contact and quickly look down. maybe you smile or maybe they don't even know you exists.

because thats sort of what we feel right? we think they must not know we exist or be aware or they probably are seeing someone or a million other things that run through our heads and lessen our courage. maybe we think that if you talk to them in the beginning of class it won't work out and the how awkward would that be. that's what i usually think.

i mean, realistically, i could be someones secret little silly crush. you could be. maybe i make someones day or maybe someone was excited when i was nice to them [or what people call flirting, when bianca and i actually are nice and respectful and use good manners] that seems so unlikely, that i could make someones day or someone would be afraid to approach me or like me from afar but you never know. now sometimes it doesn't work out. sometimes we act on it and it ends bad but the point is they tried and they know. what if's are the worst. the shoulda woulda coulda's are no fun.

i just think how a smile can really make someones day. a kind word. talking to a stranger. its nice to just make human contact with people we have no obligations too and just act kind. to talk about nothing or everything and open up. the world is a big place and time is short and love is all we have to give. i was so lucky lucky to spend my birthday with people i love but when i sat with the people, everyone was from a completely different part of my life but they made me who i was. each one represented something in my past, my present, and my future. all the people started off as strangers but that first smile, that hi, that kind word and they were still in my life years later.

i guess i just like the idea that we can mean the world to some one and never know. that it may not make sense why someone likes another but there really is a person out there for everyone. love is all around us and we have to grab it, take it, and give it back to get more.

today i am going to smile more. smile at strangers instead of ducking my head when i walk past. i will smile and laugh and make sure that everytime i say my please and thank yous they'll be loud and clear. i will no longer be afraid to be rejected or ignored. i will embrace the world and if only one person smiles back out of a hundred, it will be worth it.

2009-08-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

i am so excited for the lovely bones movie out in December. they released the trailer and it looks amazing. one of my fav books plus mark walhberg? yes please.

my birthday? amazing. waking up to my best friend bringing me hugs and awesome gifts and bella. breakfast with my mom. brunch with dad. dinner with friends. drinks, food, the best cheesecake ever, and laughter.

'Cause I am always where,
I need to be,
And I always thought,
I would end up with you eventually
the kooks

new psych was good and i liked the monk episode. true blood is so love/hate. love it but it just isn't the books.

school is almost done, 3 days.

i miss things i shouldn't.

the littlest things are what make life worth it.

i'll never understand how someone can actually help so much but on the other hand be a narcissistic bitch. very odd.

i forgot how much i love ben lee.

i have the best friend ever. its ridiculous.

goooooooorge baaaaaaaaaaanks

let's go to the mall

2009-07-25T20:53:00.000-07:00

I love writing but I have been really busy and kinda blah about this blog which is sad because I still love reading blogs. I love Carissa's new hair and Mandy's recipe for cheesy chicken lasagna and I love that so many people are looking the Sookie books. I know I never leave comments but I still like reading some of my favs. A lot of it is being busy and just, sorry to say, not caring. It's fun to take a peak into people's lives but at points I just have so much going on in mine it's hard me to read a bunch of blogs. (even though I usually end up doing it in one lump sum). Maybe it's because I like the blogs that are just peoples lives and not their careers and opportunities. I am so proud of Aritza for going out and having fun with Rami. I love how Katelin is engaged and how positive and fun her blog is, it aways makes me smile, especially her celebrity babies! Also, if I didn't have Joy how would I live without this How I met Yor Mother/Les Mis clip? I wouldn't thats how!
As you can see, my little Bella had some surgery and had to wear a cone. Which, since she hasn't been licking, hasn't been worn too much. She also got micro chipped and is all up to date on shots. I am minus $400 of well spent money. Took her back in for a check up today and she is good to go. Friday they will remove her stitches but she seems pretty okay.

School is halfway done for the summer it's definitely intense. I will be at the library tomorrow studying my ass off. Good times. Pretty much I just want to pass my classes and figure out my final fall schedule. I had a few issues with one teacher but they seemed to have worked themselves out.

Staying with my Mom has been pretty much awesome. I love her and it's so fun to hang out, take walks, watch tv, talk, have dinner, etc etc with her. She is seriously amazing and I would be lost without her.

Oh yeah. A branch hit my car and thank you $1500 later, ugh. That's life.

Next week I am touching up my highlights, getting a trim, fixing my bangs, getting a mani/pedi and being happy my bff comes on Sunday. Bianca will be home for my birthday on the 8th and I am SUPER excited. Love love love this girl.

Also, a 5 legged puppy that almost got sold to a sideshow circus as an exzibit was saved by a lady and has had surgery to remove the extra leg. Poor pup was having a hard time running and sitting and after surgery is on the mend so yay for puppy and owner!!

Obviously like everyone else I am super excited for New Moon and still love me some rpattz. Although since that's not for months I am really interested in True Blood and some Sookie/Eric loving. It looks like they want Eric to make a deal with Lorena to take away Bill or have him Betray Sookie which to me isn't true of the Eric in the book but whatever, they seem to be having a field say with creative license. We shall see though.

Having goals and achieving them is where I am at right now and planning for next year, last year I basically planned for this year and so now it's that time to think ahead, apply to schools/for scholarships/get ready etc. You have to do what you love and you also have to be realistic so I am doing both. My Mom is on board with my not being in Chicago next year so that's a huge relief.

Some things never change. Some people will always give you butterflies. Some will always make you smile. Some are the other half of you. Some you will always take that guilty pleasure is seeing you look doing better then someone else. Some people will be the missing pieces and some will never quite fit. Sometimes we don't know what the piece will be until the puzzle becomes clearer but thats what life is about.

So things I'm loving right now? Kendra. How I Met Your Mother. True Blood. General Hospital. Cash Cab. Being too busy with real life for my online life and seeing alot of people feel that way. The future. My tan. Ice cold water. My family. Lisa Kleypas books. Old Friends.

This is for Bianca lol

that's money honey

2009-07-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

florida makes me smile.

so does fresh lobster, crab, brunch at the colony.
i got addicted to general hospital.
my new bf? jason aka stone cold

hot!!

also loving?
my tan.
my friends.
banana republic.
target swimsuits.
mimosas.
bella.

not loving?
getting caught tanning topless lol
thats a very interesting story

bed time for this girl.
missed you blog world/

Loving me is like chewing on pearls.

2009-07-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

i am currently obsessed with "i like it rough" and "papparazzi" by lady gaga. my car playlist consists of lady gaga, bob dylan, carly simon, cobra starship, mary wells, and everclear. i love the song "good girl go bad" with leighton meester. the video is fabulous too.

also, i am still on my true blood obsession and can't wait for more episodes plus i think there's another sookie novel in december. oh eric, you are somehting else lover!

in 2 days ill be florida which i absolutely cannot wait for. the beach, tanning, movies, food, fun. plus school reading but whatever. its going to be an amazing time and i'm going to get tan i hope. well really really tan. i don't want any tan lines so this should be interesting.

getting up at 5:30 on m-w and class until 7:45 makes for long days but at least i'm accomplishing something.

also. i don't want to say i told you so but i told you so.

my history of chicago class is seriously awesome. i love learning about how chicago came to be, who the streets are named after, and just so many other things. hubbard, not a good guy leaving his indian wife but he is a major reason the public has the lake shore to enjoy.

class time!

2009-07-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

because edward cullen in french is even hotter and it makes kristen stewart bearable

because i love lady gaga and alex skarsgård

told you i'm not bulletproof, now you know

2009-06-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

i called my dad yesterday and was like "happy gay day, yay for you being gay" and he laughed and i asked if he went to the parade and he went for a little bit. i myself am a snob and don't like the parade very much. perhaps it's because i've been going since i was 7 and it was so much more fun back in the day. less crowded, more nudity and sassiness, more gays then straights, and just, a funner feel. its still fun now but more conservative and just...i dont know. but yay for gay. i also think that it's still a great thing and important to do and am glad for all my friends/family that went.

so. i have decided to move in with my mom for 2 months. my apartment will be ready september 1 and i will move back to chicago then. saving myself 2 months rent is a good thing. it will give me some time with my family and cooked meals and a big house and some good living. the apartment i will be moving into is actually owned by my dad so i will be getting some reduced rent which is nice. its a big apartment and there is a dogwalker in the building. i actually was going to live in this same apartment about...4 years ago? 5 years ago? and i was moved in and i dont think i even stayed a night i was so not ready to live alone. well now im ready and excited. i like the decorative fireplace and built in shelves. also, i have a real dining room and not a living dining combo so thats pretty cool! the bathroom is retroish and i'm a fan. might have to rethink my currently white/pink theme. i also am diggin the cute little shelf by the front door. oh and the bedroom is a great size and good closet space.
so last night was really fun with tj. we watched some tv and then had some fun. so i put on the cute schoolgirl outfit, complete with pigtails and kneesocks which he loved. he was really into the roleplay which is fun and made everything really hot. some handcuffs and a spanking paddle later, it was a fun night. round 2 happened a little bit later and in the morning was round 3. he made me breakfast (he is a chef so even eggs are extra amazing, add some steak in, wow!) and then i went home to bella and he ran errands. we met up to have a dinner at olive garden because who can resist soup, salad, and breadsticks?

i love talking on the phone with bianca because we get SO mad at drivers and randomly we start swearing and yelling at the drivers. i am so excited for her wedding, i picture it on the same cuteness factor as kendra and hank. cuter even!! and if she ever is stressed about taking the bar, she should know how smart and special and talented she is and how she will excel like she does everything because she puts 100% in. also because she has the cutest fashion ever and best shoes.

i have finished all the sookie stackhouse books and SWOON for sookie and eric. seriously please look at this guy? alex skarsgård is yum yum yum. but seriously in the books you jsut so are rooting for sookie and eric and it's kinda like eff bill. i really really hope true blood takes it the way the books go. there's something about this big bad ruthless guy that is intelligent and practical and who is baffled by how he feels about sookie. and who has her best interests at heart, not that he minds if they coincide with his desires lol. this is one of the best series i've read in a long time. cause i LOVED the twilight series but it's all about edward and not stephanie meyes trashriffic writing. does she really believe people want to read anything that doesn't have edward in it? because you know people just want her to write midnight sun and then a 5th book that redeems the not so good rushjob that was breaking dawn. charlaine harris is a good writer and keeps things interesting. and she doesn't make me cringe. also sometimes bianca and i randomly say sookie like bill does on true blood and it makes us giggle. try it.

taylor swifts fearless is definitely my on repeat album. i can never get enough of it.

rip billy mays.

my hair is growing longer and longer and i am loving it.

i defy you not to smile when you see this pic.

2009-06-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

if i had time i would write about....

my new living arrangements and apartment

my weekend and week

my love for eric and sookie

my future plans

my dinner with lior

and a bunch of random things in my head

but.........i get to go see my friend and have some amazing sex and i am bringing along a bag of fun things and he has some surprises for me....i have to run and buy some knee socks before i get there haha

2009-06-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

why was perez hilton blasted for his actions but michael jackson is exalted for his death even though he almost certainly molested children and at the very least was highly inappropriate [really though he settled and paid out blood money, r kelley at least went through his trial and he was sure as hell guilty].

it sicken me that because people don't separate perez hilton, a job and persona, like bruno or borat, from the creator mario lavanderia. michael jackson was a talented artist but a sick man. should someones actions be forgiven because they are talented?

perez says what a lot of people think and he is blasted? thats like saying we should lie to peoples faces but talk shit behind their back. thats what many people i know consider okay? he has an opinion and if you dont like it, DONT READ IT. obviously he is so popular because people agree.

remember, if someone provokes someone, violence is okay right? a girl wearing a short skirt walking home by herself is asking for it. she dances and acts slutty so she is sending that message out, right?

i am just so sick of people not wanting any shit talked about them but they do the same thing. its okay for bloggers to have opinions as long as they arent against popular opinion. the internet is for everyone and i love that people forget that perez has so many worthy causes he promotes. so he makes fun of people who get paid to be put in the spotlight. do i always agree? no i get annoyed when he picks on miley but i understand its a job and good or bad, it's his right.

michael jackson was a man who was talented and disturbed and harming children isn't a joke .i mourn the child he was under joe jacksons manipulation and abusive ways. it formed his adult life which was filled with problems. someone said that it was the parents fault since they are legally in charge? so i bring my kids to someones house and it's my fault they are molested? oh wait, i should know not to bring my kids to the house of a molester, therby proving hes the molester? pick an argument.

i am kind of sick of the interet and blogs and twitter. i have stopped commenting and been busy and just...i cant deal with more complaints without looking on the brightsides BUT i recognize their rights to do it and i say if it makes you happy, do it. I am not the interent police and if i dont like something, i dont read it. end of story.

rip farrah fawcett, someone who gave a cancer another face for the world to see. she was a beautiful soul and brought fetahered hair to a new level.

i'm on my knees looking for the answer

2009-06-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
leonard cohen

there is a path and i know i need to follow it. i know that i have to make it happen, take the steps, and everything will work out. i feel god has a plan for me and i need to help and i will end up where i need to be.

i read a story in chicken soup for the soul where a husband used to pray for his future wife and when he met a girl and was dating her, he found out she had done the same thing. i always loved that story and i have begun to pray for my future husband. i pray he is healthy and happy and whatever he is going through, to be okay.

i have homework from the rabbi and i am very excited. buy some books and meet with the chicago rabbinical counsel for evaluation. i am so blessed the rabbi is willing to help me since it is such a commitment.

i have 2 possible apartments to see and both are great so that is looking up.

i bought a gazillion awesome things at the thrift store. i took the kids to the thrift store and dollar store last week and they loved it. we had a fun week playing mini golf and bowling and arcades and just hanging out. tomorrow is the last game for the little girls 7 year old baseball team and then dairy queen afterward. paid to eat a blizzard? okay!

i have best friends. i have amazing people in my life and amazing family. i have to keep things in perspective which can be so hard at times. sometimes i just while and bitch, and yes, cry, because why does stupid elad have everything he wants and he is such a bad person with no consideration for anyone but himself. he has his gf here now, and a good job, and his apt with all my furniture, and he has friends and money to go out whenever he wants and can take a vacation to anywhere in the world and i am hauling ass to do work and school and cant go out due to time and money. it makes me feel 5 with all my whining but what can i do?

i vent to the people who love me and pep talk myself. i read sookie stackhouse novels (only 3 more left) and i take bella for midnight drives for ice cream. i play music loud and feel the breeze on my skin. i buy 90 cent salavation army shirts. i pray and talk to god. i make lists. i listen to leonard cohen. i can't wait for movies like this:

sunny and hot in chicago and i thank god for it all.

a change will do you good

2009-06-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

i used to want everything to stay the same. change was scary, the unknown was terrifying. i guess for me, growing up began when i learned that staying the same was actually worse. that not changing was something to worry about. i grew up and learned that life really is a journey and it can be short or long but we won't know until it's over the time we had. 25 could be my whole life, it could be half of it, or even just a quarter of it. as simple as it sounds, everyday really is a gift. it is hard to strike a balance between living completely carefree and living with a mapped out plan for the future.

i like that some days i can be the wild haired t-shirt and jeans and flip flops casual girl. i love that i can be a wig wearing alternative looking girl with 6 inch heels and attitude. i love that i can wear sexy lingerie or a tshirt and boyshorts. i love that i can change my clothes and still be me.

this weekend i went out with a friend to a club in a city i'd never been in. i knew most likely i wouldn't like the club [and i so didn't] but i knew that marya would be fun to hang out with and looked at it as an adventure. when guys asked us to dance, i was the bitch saying things like "im sorry i only dance in chicago", and when one said we were better then our other friends, i replied "because we have bigger breasts?" yeah so club-0 goodnight anyways-1.

the next night i went to a goth type event at the metro. it was nocturnas 21st anniversary and i went with a friend from work. hence the picture up there with the wig. i wore my 6inch boots, black dress, and pvc corset over the dress. now this is definitely not my scene but i wanted to see my friend outside of work and decided to just have fun. so i did something totally out of my comfort zone again and i had another great night.

yesterday i had an absolutely fabulous day with the kids. notice my smiling face and wild hair? that's what happens when i lose my brush and decided at 11 to wash my hair and leave it natural. as soon as a brush touches my hair it goes stick straight but that's it completely natural. so the kids and i went to par-king mini golf, awesome! we went shoe shopping and goofed around the store and the 11 year old tried on heels, kinda completely awesome. especially when another mom was like "oh fabulous! you look hot" and laughing and joking. the oldest boy is going to camp for 8 weeks and left today so at least we had a great day before he left.

i met with the rabbi last week and will be calling him tomorrow to see if he is willing to take me on and help with the conversion. i am very very excited and hopeful. i felt a click with him and really hope he is willing to undertake this huge commitment. skirts and shabbat and kosher and i feel that this is where i need to be.

on the complete other side of things, i have been having absolutely fabulous sex with my friend tj. and no, not the tj from a few years ago, steve! thank god for that cause remember he was like a 3 thrust man? [um p.s. hang out soon please!!!] so tj and i have been having a ton of fun and i am enjoying his company as we are on the same page. also he decided to spice things up even more with some wrist/ankle restraints, a blindfold, and a few other things. it’s definitely interesting. most important is we laugh and hang out and it's nice to not have any pressure.

and i quote: life's what you make it so let's make it rock.

thank you hannah montana!

2009-06-09T23:35:00.000-07:00

i think my best days are when i don't have time to use the internet. i like the feeling of being free from twitter and facebook and whatnot. i still love reading blogs because people really put themselves out there and i have some that i just love because they are so real but mostly the internet is just, fun but not my real life.

i love days like today where i had my list and got to cross some things off it. i got to talk some of my very best friends on the phone, see my favorite teacher, watch the kids, and just live.

the oldest boy was having a bad day and he was crying in the car and so i had the 2 other kids go inside and told them i would be back in 20 minutes and drove the boy to get dairy queen. i got him a blizzard and fries and a drink and just talked. he talked about his math test and pressures and how he felt. we went home and i got the 2 younger ones a treat from DQ so they were happy to. the youngest boy was excited to show me his story (9 pages and awesome!) that he wrote. the little girl, well she is pretty cute. we cuddled and watched some disney channel and then went to her baseball game. the kids get to swing until they hit it and there are no real outs so its kind of just, a lot of practice. afterward we did the whole shower/hot cocoa routine and i read to her from ramona forever.

i love feeling useful and helping out and making a difference. its a good feeling to help people. thats a good cure for depression, the blues, whatever you call it, sad or happy, helping always make you smile more. also things that make me smile? a new 2010 pink planner. i am the kind of person that needs new pens to write in it and not any pens but special ones. target tomorrow for sure.

also, tomorrow i meet with the rabbi and i've very excited.

i always start off strong and have trouble finishing but at least i finish. and even when things get hard i get back up. i am proud that i'm not a quitter. i have big inspiration being my parents and my best friend. my mom and bianca are the biggest influences in my life and i am lucky to have them and thankful everyday.

life is good.

i didnt invent the rainy day. i just own the best umbrella.

2009-06-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

i defy you not to laugh out loud the whole time. defy you!!

my dad sent me this. makes sense. love it.

notice it's almost famous AND bianca. 2 things i most definitely love.

my hair. makeup. and the expression on my face.

true blood and sookie stackhouse. can't wait for season 2!!!
(i love you free hbo thanks to comcast!!)
************************

school has started and i am currently taking 3 of the 7 for this summer. i am pretty excited for the history of the holocaust class. stats seems okay so far, it's basic and the homework has been informational and okay to do. test next monday! tomorrow i have a to do list and i hope to cross a lot of things off. tonight i went bowling and drank with some friends which was nice. a glass of wine and a score of 75, hot lol. also hot? being ravished in my kitchen and dirty sexting (sex + testing, thanks tyra!).

a lot of people are having a hard time sleeping, including myself. cure? making my room SUPER cold and climbing under the blankets with bella.

the talking leads to touching

2009-06-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

first go see my guest post over at www.mattstratton.com!

so if you follow on me on twitter @chicagogirl then you know i had absolutely amazing sex the other night. here's what happened and how i was completely shocked.

so after some texting with tj, he asked me if i wanted to come over and watch a movie and i ended up going over to his apt to hang out. the girl mayan is seeing, vicca, was there and i get along with her great so that was nice. we first decided to go to ihop [mayan just wanted us to see tj's audi so thats why we went, the car is amzing though]. after ihop we head home and played call of duty. vicca is super adorbale and cheered me on as we played. girls clearly are awesome. [side note, i NEVER understand girls who don't get along with other girls]. eventually vicca and mayan went into his bedroom and tj and i were in the living room.

the thing is this: i cannot have good sex with someone i am not completly comfortable with and i wasn't sure what my comfort level was with tj. after hanging out more and talking and talking about how i felt, i have been feeling really good around him lately. he is a really interesting and funny guy. we talked about how i felt and i explained that if i am not comfortable i will be so bad in bed. literally i'll lay there super bored and barely move. if i am into it though, watch out, its awesome. another thing was, i like him but i just am not looking for somehting serious because it's not the right point in my life. turns out he feels the same way, that he is not looking for something serious. since we are on the same page, i feel alot better about the whole situation.

so we talked and talked and i was like hey roll a joint. so i smoked and we chilled and evenutally mayan came out of his bedroom for some water and sat for a few. when he went back to his room, tj and i just started making out. we were on the sofa but i was like, you know what, fuck this, let's go to your room. cause comfy bed > sofa anyday. so we made out for like forever and ever and it was so hot with some hair pulling and biting and hands everywhere and tongues and yeah. hot. eventually it got kind good for me because that guy can down like a champ. and 2 orgasms later i was like fucking useless but still returned the favor.

oh! so he wouldn't have sex with me because he said we should wait for next time until i was more comfortable. some more making out and whatnot later, i finally got him to just do it. and yeah. WOW.

so at this point it was 5am and i had to work at 7:30 so i couldn't stay. i love sex with friends when it means we can have hot sex and laugh [it was hot when he saw my star tattoo that's hidden. definitely a turn on for him]. so he called me yesterday and texted me and he was really into it. we talked today and i had texted me and he didn't respond until later and was like im sorry and called me twice and was super nice. above and beyond because i wasn't even trippin. oh hes been out of town since yesterday morning until tomorrow night sometime. we are supposed to see a movie and it definitely looks like the hangover since everyone is loving it in their reviews.

tonight i hung out with lior and we went to tgi fridays and talked for a few hours.

i also bought these hot ass shoes!

they are something fierce!

i finished "living dead in dallas" and will get the 3rd sookie stackhouse book tomorrow. i also got
adventures in babysitting" which is a fabulous movie. serious classic.

work in 6 1/2 hours so sleep time with bella!!

hope the vegas ladies are having a fabulous time!!!!

iRamble late at night

2009-06-03T00:57:00.000-07:00

so the little girl i babysit for has swine flu. i found this out monday while i was in stats class. that was a fun text message. so the family i work for is basically awesome and while i did work all day and stayed home with her, they did get me Tamiflu, the antiviral prescription med to take and paid since i dont have insurance. so here's to hopefully not getting sick.

one of the things i love about working with kids is the special times you have. the little girl and i have a routine when i am staying late. she takes a shower and i get us hot cocoa and i read to her in bed with the soft lights in the room and then i put her night music cd on. she loves that she gets to have her hot cocoa in bed and that i always read her an extra chapter. i love when she tells me she loves me. i love when the 2 boys get really excited to show me things and tell me about their day. i feel lucky to work for such a wonderful family and be a part of their lives. the mom is amazing. seriously. so i like that i do what i love and get to go to school.

i went to mayaans and played call of duty again and tj was there. it was nice seeing him and when we hugged goodbye i felt a tingle. we night go to another movie or do something tomorrow night. it depends. the guys want us to go downtown since tj has his new audi and they feel like going out. i am okay for a movie but dont feel like clubbin it or something.

so again its 3am and i am up.

i pretty much listen to taylor swifts album fearless" on repeat.

i hate that i hate when i introduce someone to someone they use it like they came up with it. or i find out that something i like they like. its so petty yet annoying. like when i found out my ex had become a bulls fan to i was like argghhh. but then i'm like wtf am i 5? so i know it is stupid and i usually push it out of my mind but it definitely makes me roll my eyes. i guess its just something to work and improve on.

i should learn how to reply to comments better or at all. or something. i do read them all and appreciate them though.

i try to remember when i dont like someone or they annoy me or i find them hypocitical or a liar or whatever the issue is that they are also living the same life as we and we are all struggling and have good and bad days. we have lost lives and new loves and good and family and we are all just people. life is hard and good and easy and happy and a million things but the thing is we are all living it. all i can do is the best i can. the best i can and not someone else's best.

And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..
american beauty

the one where i have a date?

2009-06-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

Betrayal is a thorny crown
You wear it well
Just like a king
Revenge is the saddest thing
Honey, I'm afraid to say
You deserve everything
rilo kiley

i went on an unexpected date last night. it was actually really nice and that surprised me. i have known this guy for about 2 years now and heard of him for 3? i actually used to not be able to stand him. he just annoyed me because he was very...not ever rude to me but not welcoming consider he and i share a bunch of friends. he also told me after tal left that i had horrible taste in men and gave me a hint about tal and his not so monogamous ways.

so a few months ago we ended up having a VERY random make out and there was some text miscommunication and I left it that he was roommates with one of my best friends and I didn't think anything good would come of it. I made it clear that because I have slept with some Israeli's, I don't just sleep with whoever asks and I really didn't care that he hasn't had sex in forever. [note: text messages and people whose first language isn't english makes things unclear at time but NOT when the question "what do you want to do" is answered with "sex"]

Surprisingly nothing was weird after that and in fact its been nice seeing him when I go to my friends Mayaans place to play Call of Duty or hang out. [you should have seen the look on my face when all of sudden I realized I was playing as an arab insurgent. i guess i pictured nameless sides, not something so real and....it made me feel weird] Anyways i went to Mayaans on Friday night after work and we hung out for a while. TJ was obviously there and he was pretty fun and agreeable to talk to. When he went to this bedroom for a few minutes Mayaan told me that apparently TJ likes me and I'm like whatever and he's like no he does and I'm like I dont care if hes horny and Mayaan says that no, he actually likes me and talking to me blah blah and I'm like we'll see, i don't know how i feel.

Next thing I know it's saturday night and I get a text asking if i want to go to a movie. (a) i don't know how to say not to people and (b) i like movies, so i agreed. we ended up going to see Angels & Demons (thanks Mandy for the suggestion!) and he paid which I am never that comfortable with. if someone buys me the ticket i like to buy the soda/popcorn but he didn't want any so yeah. I liked the movie alot [p.s. ewen mcgregor, i missed you!]

i don't like blood or certain violence/gross things in movies, hence why i've never seen any of the Saw movies or Hostel or whatever, and i kinda covered my eyes which proceeded in him covering mine for me which lead to his arm around me for most of the movie. it was actually really nice to lean my head of him and smell how delicious he smelled, which was very! and i don't know, i like affection. after the movie i dropped him off at his apt [he actually bought an audi on friday and picked it up today so he was carless for saturday and i drove.] so we kissed for a minute and then he told me i was invited up but not for sex just to literally sleep with him. it was actually pretty cute and so was his button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up some and the way i think he meant no sex. i went home though because i like sleeping in my own bed and i had to work in the morning. i guess we'll see what happens.

everything was nice and pleasant but i'm just not sure. on the other hand when i have sparks with a guy, it never ends well and they are usually assholes in disguise. so in this case i will take it slow and whatever happens happens. its kind of nice.

so in summary i worked friday 4-12, saturday 830-5 and 5-1130 and sunday 10-8. i went to a movie. i didn't twitter all weekend. i played call of duty. i had quality phone best friend time with bianca. i missed bella [the ex has her for a few days] and i apparently fell in love with using[].

i also found out i love my own mix cds. i found a few in my car and took a listen. they were named things like "morning madness" "cure for the winter blues" and "sunday with bella". my fav was my "h.m. + m.c." cd. yeah that's right, hannah montana and mariah carey mix.

i had my first "energy shot" drink thing today and woah it worked. i had a huge craving for salt and chocolate and we all know what that means. thanks iud for all the symptoms but no bleeding. sorry for the tmi.

tomorrow i need to buy some new jeans.

kristen stewart? looking good! taylor lautner? looking hot! robert pattinson? priceless :)

100th episode of snapped? i'm excited!

2009-05-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

i picked up the graduation packet today at school. i am graduating next may and they want it in my august. it was pretty exciting to pink it up and start filling it out. it definitely makes things more real for me. it makes it even easier to work hard and push myself. 7 classes this summer. 6 in fall and 4 in spring. i am also declaring my sociology minor. it is just exciting to complete this degree and look forward to my future.

i am happy but i definitely feel in limbo. i love my life and am happy with friends, being single, my jobs, and my apt. i just feel like i can't wait to have a family and kids and a career. it will all come in time and i am content to wait but i know that this is just a time to achieve my gaols and make my friendships stronger and just enjoy myself.

i went to the dollar store and the thrift store today and they did not disappoint. i got 2 gap dresses and a banana republic dress and a ton of books and a recipe holder with recipes. okay and q tips and some cleaner and a hair towel.

i had the best convo with bianca where we youtubed saved by the bell, california dreams, hang time, usa high, empire records, beaches, my girl, too wong foo, mermaids, and some others ending with this gem. please enjoy and rent this movie!!

i want to do bad things to you

2009-05-27T00:42:00.000-07:00

insomnia is awesome. or, more likely, weird changing schedule's are awesome. and by awesome i mean not so fun since i actually want to be sleeping but can't. bella is clearly having no problem as she has been passed on for hours. best cuddler ever though. she slept while i watched episodes of true blood. when i was in san fran on the way home i bought the sookie stackhouse book "dead until dark" and was not disappointed. so since i liked the book so much i figured i'd see how true blood was since it's based on the series.

thank you comcast for free hbo for a year. also thank you for on demand.

i have been watching episode after episode. i have always loved anna paquin. she is my number girl crush and i just find her very likable. i love her voice. steeb and i have a love for anna paquin and for me she does not disappoint. so i knew there would be a god chance to like the show alot.

now i was worried because of my love for twilight. could i love 2 vampires series? could i love the cullens and sookie? would i hate the show because it wasn't twilight? i definitely was worried about my expectations and i was proved wrong.

i love love love the cullens best of all. honestly, how could you not? edward cullen is definitely the most romantic and hot vampire. hands down. but.
i love true blood. bill compton is a sexy vampire but the whole show is full of amazing characters. anna paquin is a perfect sookie. she makes the show for me. it is definitely very very different from twilight and thats why i think it's easy for me to enjoy it and not compare. now the new vampire diaries show...well we shall see. not holding my breathe.

so. new ringtone? "i want to do bad things to you" by jace everett.

summer school starts tomorrow. i should get sleep as i work and then have a class from 6-945.

the thing is though, i don't mind because having a goal and knowing i'm working towards something makes it worthwhile. i don't mind when people complain but gratuitous complaining....makes me want to complain lol.

kinda can't wait to see who the first person will be with my new ringtone!

what i was striving for

2009-05-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

that is hanging in my kitchen and i see it every time i walk into my apartment. when i'm cooking, feeding bella, baking, washing dishes even, it is something that instantly makes me smile and relax. simple and true. it puts any problem i am having into perspective and makes me just stop and be thankful for the things i have.

the last few months have been interesting. living alone. new job. semester ending. amazing san fran vacation. talking to and seeing old friends. another semester closer to graduation. ups and downs and back again. i would say a few people extremely surprised me. good and bad. i learned about who i want to be and who i don't want to be. i learned people who are honest are rare but the ones that are, never let go. i am lucky to have the best friend in the world and knowing people like her exist make up for the liars, the passive aggressive people, the jerks, the close minded people, the selfish ones.

speaking of selfish. elad brought his gf here to america. well. he was sleeping with some girl in miami but his gf decided after a year and a half of waiting for him to let her buy a ticket, just bought one and came. she has been going around to my friends asking why i dont like her and how she wants to talk to me. now, after answering elads phone and having the opportunity more than a few times, seeing me once, and knowing where i can be reached, why not actually try and talk to me when the opportunity has risen? oh. maybe because you stole my bf, changed his tickets, screamed about me for the last year, called me names, and not allowed him to talk to me. and told him it was me or her. oh. right. i am supposed to totally be your best friends forever. of course. she can sleep with my ex, live in my old apt, in the bed i slept in, the sheets i bought, with my furniture, try to think my dog is hers, take babysitting jobs i can't do, and she can never understand that he is not a prize to win. the life of mine she thinks she want i willingly gave up. in my opinion i have to do nothing with her good or bad so i wish she would realize that.

i love when i dont blog because it means my real life is so busy i have no time.

my trip to san francisco? amazing. i saw my best friend for 5 days of awesome. if you go to san francisco, go to fishermans wharf, amazing food and the best clam chowder bread bowl ever. even if the weather is bad, GO. its. a. must. also the secret menu at in n out=amazing. target with my best friend on a saturday night is one of the funnest things ever. usually we are both shopping but talking on the phone and its a bi coastal shopping experience but this time we got to be in the same target! b's bridal shower was adorable and amazing and she looked beautiful. i love all her friends out there. brodie was the cutest boy dog and i loved his tennis ball obsession. i was so glad i got to hang out with matt, my best friend in law. seriously, it was such a fun trip and i felt completely relaxed and comfortbale. i can be anywhere in the world and if i am with b, i feel great. love you bestie!!!!

Confessions Of A (Former) Chicago Boy (matt stratton!!!)

2009-05-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

um, how excited am i to have a guest post from matt at good old rock? VERY! so read and enjoy while i unpack and miss being in san francisco...

***************************

Confessions Of A (Former) Chicago Boy

After ten years of living in the city, I moved back to the suburbs last fall. This was a major change for me. In fact, the most common comment I get from my friends is "You are the LAST person I ever would guess would leave the city". Thanks for the salt in the wound, friends. Living in the city has always been a major factor in my identity. I love the city of Chicago. I love neighborhoods. I love street fairs, good restaurants, and urbanity.

So why the frack did I move?

That was easy - I wanted a big house, with a yard, and since my wife and I are moving forward on the Adventure of Family Creation, we wanted to be close to our families (both of which live in the burbs). This all made a lot of sense when we were going through the House Hunting Experience (who I think I saw open for Matthew Sweet in 1998).

Now that we've been suburbanites for about six months (math is hard!), I have a few reflections and observations on the differences in our lives (well, mostly mine) due to this change. I made a promise to myself when we moved that I wouldn't be a whiny cityboy who constantly bitched about how much the suburbs suck. And, for the most part, I've kept my promise.

This blog post is the exception.

First of all, now that I live in the suburbs, I have to drive. A lot. EVERYWHERE. This is not a good thing, by a long shot. For one thing, I hate driving. When I lived in the city, my mode of transportation was a cocktail of the CTA, my bike, and hoofing it. And speaking of cocktails, that's the worst thing about the suburbs - since I have to drive everywhere I go, it really limits my ability to get tore up when going out. In the city, if I wanted to have a cocktail or seven, I could count on the good folks at Blue Ribbon Taxi to get me home safe, without endangering other drivers, pedestrians, or fire hydrants. Now I have to practice "moderation" and remember that after my social engagements I'm getting behind the wheel of a car. And since I (along with the State of Illinois) have a zero-tolerance policy towards drunk driving, this means I either a) have to allow several hours at the end of the night to sober up, or b) stick to Diet Coke all night. This, in a word, sucks.

Speaking of travel, the commuting isn't nearly as bad as it might be. Taking the Metra from Lisle takes me just about as much time as the Brown Line from Lincoln Square used to be (thank FSM for express trains!), although I don't get to take the train from Lisle, as there is a SEVEN YEAR WAITING LIST for a parking space there, so I have to drive to Downers Grove. Of course, you can drink beer on the Metra, which is still a strange and wonderous concept to me. Although since I'm getting into my car when I get off the train, this doesn't provide a lot of value. And don't get me started about having to plan my life around the Metra schedule; the wonderful CTA trains run very regularly, and if you miss one, the longest you have to wait is another ten minutes. If I miss my train home after a baseball game or an after-work happy hour, I might have to sit on my hands for at least an hour. Again, sucks.

I do love our new house though. The yard is huge, and my dog loves it. I even find it kind of fun to cut the grass, now that it is MY grass and not my parents. And it's great to have a garage (although we had one in the city) and my bedroom now is bigger than a few apartments I've had. But on the downside, I have to shovel the driveway. A lot. And when stuff breaks, I have to fix it myself. I kind of miss being able to just call the landlord and say "Yo, the fridge is busted. Please make it not be busted." I realize this is less of a city vs. suburbs thing, and more of a own vs. rent item, but I'm on a roll of bitching, so please don't split those hairs with me. Fixing your own sump pump sucks.

As I mentioned above, I used to ride my bike everywhere. I know that quite a few people will be surprised when I say that I am more frightened of riding my bike in the suburbs than I was in the city - but it's true. In the city, despite the fact that many drivers seem to think it is their prime directive to eff with cyclists, at least they were used to seeing them. And in the city, it's never really possible to drive very fast on the streets that I would ride. In the burbs, the average landspeed of a Naperville soccer mom is between 50-75 mph down Ogden Ave. And I swear they won't be looking for cyclists anywhere but on the Prarie Path. This is why my bike hasn't left the garage since it was unloaded from the moving van. I'm planning to try to brave the suburban traffic in the very near future, but it still rankles. And sucks.

I miss being able to live in my own little bubble in the city. Despite living practically on top of each other, there's a social barrier to city folks where they know how to give each other their space. I had many apartments where I never said more than five words to my neighbors. Granted, in our last apartment, we feuded with our downstairs neighbors, and I love not having shared walls anymore, but now I have to talk to the people who live next door to me. And a couple of them are racist and tell me things about how they're glad that "people like us" bought the house. After ten years of ethnic diversity, this really rubs me the wrong way. Hearing things about the "colored family" who used to live in our house sucks.

One final complaint - food. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with the suburbs? How hard is it to have good restaurants? Don't get me wrong - I love the fact that Portillo's is now five minutes (driving, of course) from home. And there ARE a few places that we can get good chow from. But I can't walk to anything (except Popeye's, and why the hell would I eat there?), and worst of all...GrubHub.com is USELESS in the suburbs. This, more than anything else I've listed, sucks.

So that's my story - I realize I've glossed over a lot of positive things, such as being a mile away from my sister, and I left off the issues with finding a good, affordable dogwalker (in the city you can't swing a leash without hitting five of them), but I didn't want to overload you with Vitamin Rant. I'm sure that with time I'll become assimilated.

That scares the ever-loving crap out of me.

mandy from just a small town girl

2009-05-19T14:45:00.000-07:00

a post from the lovely Mandy from "just a small town girl". I adore her and loved this post she wrote. Thanks Mandy!!

"Being Rescued"

Hi everyone, I'm Mandy from Just a Small Town Girl. I know Tiffany is a dog lover and the proud "mom" of Bella. I am a huge advocate of animal rescue and my Golden Retriever came to my family through a rescue organization. If you have ever adopted a rescued animal you know that they are just a little bit different from other animals.

Sandy joined our family almost two years ago, its hard to believe its been such a short time. My family met Sandy – a mild mannered reddish hued Golden on a Friday night exactly one week after releasing our first 17.5 year old dog from her pain.

Making the decision to bring another dog into our home so quickly wasn’t a decision we made lightly. In fact, all the food and dog treats had been given away, the dog house (that had never been used) was donated, water and food bowls picked up and put away. However after two days of a house that felt completely empty without calming presence of a four legged family member was torturous. There was no jingling of a collar, no contended sighs, and coming home was almost unbearable with no one to great us at the door.

When my brother found out we were going to meet a Golden, he became upset, “Its too soon, we’re not ready.” On that summer Friday evening, he begrudgingly went with us, mumbling under his breath. As we stepped out of the car, the wonderful woman who works on behalf of the rescue organization, opened her van door and out bounded Sandy. She was incredibly excited, wiggling her entire body as fast as she could. After quickly making the rounds for a quick pet, she went back to my brother who had crouched down. With her long flowing tail beating against the ground, her big, warm brown eyes looked into his face as if to say “It’s ok if I come home with you, right?” He responded with a playful pat on her head, we all knew that Sandy would be coming home with us.

Over the past few years, while Sandy has a special bond with each of us, the bond between her and my brother has surpassed all of those. In some way that can’t be verbally explained, Sandy knew that my brother needed her most to help him get over the grief of losing our other dog. We all needed her to help heal our hearts and move forward. She has given us unconditional love and loyalty. She makes us laugh daily with her human like expressions, antics, and moods. When we've had a bad day and just want a hug, she patiently sits there as we wrap ourselves around her, kissing her forehead. She reminds us to stop whatever it is we're doing for some fun or just a belly rub. She makes our lives complete.

Its easy for us human beings to rescue a dog-- to give them shelter, food and love. What we don't realize though is that usually we're the one's being rescued by these magnificent creatures.

--
Mandy
www.knowingthedifference.com

confessions of a jeresey girl!!!

2009-05-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

while i'm in california having the best time of my life, the amazing rachel from confessions of a jersey girl wrote a post. so read and enjoy the fabulousness....

****************************

Really. The always wonderful Tiffany asked me on Friday if I would guest post for her while she's off gallivanting in Cali. Naturally, I jumped at the chance, how could I not? She's awesome. So I started to rack my brain about things to post on. Originally, I was going to do this whole old picture / funny caption thing... but all of my picture books are in storage. AWESOME. So, I'm totally flying by the seat of my pants here on this one, because I've got nothing.

Can we talk for just a second about watches? I've been single now for oh, about five minutes. I've picked a few things up while being out on the dating scene again after five (FIVE) years. It's an interesting thing, this whole "dating" we do. I'm getting off topic. Right. So, one thing I have decided in my five minutes of my newly found singleness is that I absolutely refuse to date a guy that doesn't wear a watch. Sounds silly, no? Watches say a lot about the person wearing them. You can tell if they are business men (Omega, Tag Huer... You know.), outdoorsy (Citzen. They usually have plastic bands, tide meters and the like) or even nerdy (vintage nintendo watches (i've really seen them), lots of buttons. Don't really know of any brands... I try to seer clear of these dudes.). I totally judge a guy within fifteen seconds of seeing him based on the watch he's wearing. What about if he isn't wearing a watch? Well, I don't immediately write him off or anything, he just has to try THAT MUCH harder to get my attention.

I try to keep my distance from anyone wearing a Rolex, which there happen to be a lot of in my profession. It might sound silly to some, but I find wearing a Rolex to be a little pretentious & flashy. These guys have money and they flaunt it. My thoughts? Having money doesn't make you any less of an asshole than the guy sporting the Shark watch. Granted, the guy I was seeing at work had a $5k watch and I'd never know... still an asshole. You gotta be careful.

Wearing a watch in general says a lot about a person though. It can mean you are responsible. It can mean you are successful. Not wearing a watch can mean you are a free spirit. It can also mean you just have a good internal clock. Really, a guy at the bar actually said that to me once when I drunkenly explained my watch theory. Ideally, I'd like a mixture of the two. Successful but spontaneous and free spirited when life allows for it. I honestly just feel like guys with watches tend to be more... together. This isn't true in all situations, but around here in my little south Jersey bubble... It's worked so far.

Guys: Do you wear a watch? Why? (If so, I'm currently taking applications. Submit a letter of interest in the comments section. Bonus if you can be in Vegas June 5-7!)

Girls: What about you? What things about guys do you notice right away?

all star blogging

2009-05-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

while i get to spend the next 5 days with my best friend in the world, i realized i had blog free days. now normally i dont need a guest post cause even when i'm home i miss weeks of blogging. then i was like, no, share some of your fav bloggers and get them to post more. this way i and whoever reads this get more awesome writing from superb people. so here's the starting line up.

saturday: the brilliant and beautiful Andy from life isn't so terrible
sunday: the funny and intelligent matt from good old rock

monday: the kind, gorgeous, smart and amazing Rachel from Confessions of a Jersey Girl
tuesday: the funny, honest, beautiful mandy from just a small town girl
when K from Wannabe Reality Super Star sends me hers it will go up immediately

hope everyone has even half as good as time as i know i will be having!!!!

my tv family

2009-05-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

so i found out tonight via a tweet from Classy in Philadelphia that there will be no more lucas and peyton on one tree hill. after chad michael murray was such a jerkface to sophia bush i could have lost him 2 seasons ago. i will admit i grew to love lucas more this season but he is a douchebag and horrible to girls. he just screws everyone over for peyton and ugh. whatever. it clearly is all about nathan and haley and julian and brooke. even mouth and milicent are a better couple and you know i love me some skillz. okay so back on track after that little tangent. anyways the oth news got me thinking about my tv boyfriends. namely of course my #1 man chuck bass. but then i was like okay i love my tv boyfriends but i should have a tv family. so here we go, my ideal tv family.

Fake Mom
Lorelai from Gilmore Girls

"Lorelai: Hey, isn't that your naked guy?
Rory: Oh, yeah. Marty, hey! He's not my naked guy.
Lorelai: Well, you don't really want a communal naked guy, nowadays, you know, it's too sketchy. "

young, hip, and a good role model. who doesn't love her? no one thats who. also i feel she could understand my random quotes, random stream of consciousness, and how fast i talk. hey maybe i got it from her?

Fake Dad
Harold Waldorf from Gossip Girl
he's gay. smart. knows how to treat his daughter. loves her for who she is.
he's basically is the same as my dad but dresses better and lives in france.

Fake Brother
Gus From Psych

Gus: You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why didn't you just call it 'Hey, we're fooling you and the police department; hope we don't make a mistake and somebody dies because of it'?

he's hilarious. he's a good person. he's dependable. hes awesome. he can keep up

Fake Sister
Tyra Banks
seriously do i need to explain this? smart. fierce. doesn't give a fuck.

Fake Boyfriend
Julian from One Tree Hill
honest. fun. sweet. hard working. fights for what he believes in. handsome as the devil. this is basically the perfect man for me. call me Austin.

Fake Boy I Hate to Love
Chuck Bass

he is not datable but he is the one you can never forget.
"While there are few things I consider sacred, the back of the limo is one of them"

**********************
so. apparently this is what happens when school is out and i dont have work to do.
interesting.

bought new burberry brit, well worth it

2009-05-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

oh. im sorry. have you met my new bf spock? i know. hes all hot and sexy and can hold his emotions. he totally doesn't mind sharing me with edward. vampires and vulcans are total bffs.yum. yummy!! nice. mm. yum.

i clearly saw star trek today and was all excited. poor bianca remembers as a kid my parents making me watch it every week so i am kinda in nerdy and knew what was up.
spock and uhara hook up? holy hot!! seriously the whole, i dont have emotions but you get to me thing? pretty much awesome. spock is my new edward. although edward is still my number one, when he goes hunting he puts spock in charge of keeping me warm and safe.

and sexed.
whatever.

go see this movie.

anyway....

i bought these 2 pictures today, framed, and ready for my bedroom.
$15 each down from $30, i love a bargain.

i also bought a sign that says:

happiness is a journey, not a destination.

$6 and well worth it.

oh saaphyri

2009-05-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

i never went to bed last night. headed to my dad's around 6:30. went to airport. slept on flight. came to grandparents. lunch. nap. then amazing dinner.
i love my family and we had a fun dinner to celebrate my grandpas birthday. amazing steak place where i had a rib eye steak, spring salad with vinaigrette dressing, mashed sweet potatoes and a nice Riesling.
got a mothers day card for being bella's mom. thank you $50 to macys. unexpected and a sweet treat.
also grandma told me i can go to florida to the family condo and take a vacay. she was so adorable. "its a free vacation, food, shopping, airfare, movies, dinner, etc". we have a condo on the beach and whenever someone wants to use it we just make plans and go. im going to go in july wen my aunts there for company. how excited am i? VERY. its my favorite place in the world. its quiet and clean, on the gulf, its relaxing and i always get an amazing tan.
tomorrow its brunch and a movie and shopping. more papers.

perspective is the key.
"if you don't like this, don't read it"
take your own advice. ill do the same.

andy has given let it go advice and im taking it.

its hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.
thanks kevin spacey.

things that make me happy

2009-05-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Leave Happier

another post of atual nonsense will follow

2009-05-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

apparently, even though i am not a well read blog, a bunch of people thought i meant ALL Chicago bloggers are jerks and were hurt by this. let me say this:

99.9% OF CHICAGO BLOGGERS ARE AMAZING

that being said, i still stick to my original opinions. there are especially 2 or 3 people i do not like in the chicago scene. they are cliquey and mean. they blog for business reasons and pretend they have a personal blog. they represent themselves completely different from who they are. they talk about their "best friends" in a way that makes me wish they wouldn't be allowed to use those words.

i fully apologize to any Chicago blogger who thinks i was talking about the whole city. there are a ton of bloggers i have never read, don't know about, etc. i only meant a few of ones i know. and not "know of" but actually know. so that is about.1%. i know many Chicago bloggers who are divine and adorable and wonderful human beings.

my big issue is blog etiquette. when you attack a person on your blog who is a member of the same groups as you, who know the same people, and who can easily be identified irl , that is a line that SHOULD NOT be crossed. when a person asks you to take a post down and you refuse until they threaten you with all the shit they know, thats ridiculous. who wants to resort to threatening people? (although it clearly did work)

what bothered me was that people seemed to accept this as somehow acceptable behavior? talking behind someone back in front of their face is cowardly. and people who read this and defended this behavior, that is ridiculous. i understand some people felt silence was the best option to stay neutral but i took it to mean while they didnt agree they also didn't disagree.

all i want is people to have a little more awareness about blogging as it is a huge part of social media and is only growing bigger. why not keep the decency and kindess and basic respect there?

the best etiquette advice i can say is not mine but taken from a blog comment:

people in your life also have every right to not want to be exposed on the blogosphere.

blogger blacklist?

2009-05-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

i feel like there is a blogger blacklist. and i am on it.

maybe i am the only one?
i grew to love a lot of people and their blogs.

i had an incident with a blogger who has been around longer and is quite popular. since then i would say that almost anyone who i knew before from blogging in the chicago area and some other out of state blogger have stopped talking to me. nothing via twitter. no more blog comments. basically i have been completely ignored. now, don't get me wrong. it's not about comments but its about basic decency.

what did i do to them?

did they hear my side of anything? or am i just considered some bitch now? there are Chicago events i don't feel comfortable going to. why should my fun and city be ruined because of one person skewed opinions of what happened. call me paranoid or not, but the direct lack of communication after the event leads to me to one opinion: blogger blacklist.

and i am not the only one.

what the christ here people?a good friend i adore has been completely left out of the vegas trip and isn't included in emails. she will help people via twitter and not even a thanks. are we immature or are we adults? manners are manners, whether internet or irl.

i have kept my side of the story out of the internet.""I could spend countless hours talking about what went on in that apartment"". yeah well i could spend weeks. so even though this is like a month later i am fucking pissed that i am considered some bitch or who knows what the fuck is being said.

thanks.

what disappoints me is i am actual person with feelings and yes, i got hurt. it hurts me that people who i really liked and who seemed to like me completely stopped talking to me for no reason. maybe i am just a random internet person but i actually cared what happened to people, their families, jobs, etc.

it might mean nothing to anyone but when people you grow to care about do that it actually hurts whether i've met you in real life or not. im sorry i am not a popular or well known blogger but fuck that. i am a PERSON.

so.

at this point i am thankful for all the amazing bloggers ive met and ghcat with and love and hang out with who are decent human beings who know what it feels like to be hurt or talked about and to try and do the right thing.

the high road sucks.
i feel like a turn down the truth road is in order.

"take care, now"

2009-05-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

So last week I got a email from Shannan @ Solstice Communications and was REALLY excited! It was an invite to a Target event (Bullseye Bizarre). I was all set and ready to go. Then I realized since my Earth Science final was at the same time as my psych final, I had to take the later Psych test which was 5:40 to 6:30. Still not bad, i could make it possibly. Too bad when I got to class, the test started late and at that point I was just hoping to get my A and be done. Also, there was a little thing about this boy asking me to have dinner.

Okay so I had to run and straighten up the apt, visit the thrift store for a new scarf, 2 books, and a cute dress (addict? yes? 11.50, not too bad). So I go home, throw some laundry in and began the single girl clean. I start looking at the time and am like woah I have like 4 minutes to get ready.

I don't really wear makeup so all I use is Bobbi Brown tinted moisturizer and some Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner. honestly i cant live without a tinted moisturizer and eyeliner is a nice touch. threw on my cute scarf with polka dots, jeans, and the brown levis dress over em, and a pair of peep toe heels. seriously i love when i can rock the 3-4 inch heels and my date is still taller.

so i tell him im gonna be a few minutes late and of course call my friend lior to freak out about how i dont want to go and what was i thinking and blah blah. i follow cute date to the restaurant and he leans to hug me and kiss me on the cheek.

things i learned about him

23
speaks german, romanian, english, hungarian, some spanish, italian
lived in germany for 2 years and italy for a year
used to play roulette when he was 15 (um okay?)
amazing eyes
well mannered
lived in america for a year
drinks his pop with no ice
makes me smile

so after we are done, since we are literally 30 seconds from my apt, i invite him over. now all the things i learned about him are great but everyone who knows me knew i was looking to get some making out or sexin. i mean, it is what it is, ya know? so we get to my apt and i again admire his height. so we go inside, have a corona and watch some tv. we talk, he goes on the balcony to smoke, we talk, finally i'm like what the christ? and go outside with him when he smokes. also love that after he smokes he chews gum. so anyways i give him my, seriously kiss me now, im adorable and willing look, and he finally does.

he.is.an.amazing. kisser.

so we kiss and kiss and hands are roaming and were kissing and its hot. we go inside and continue. so we agree to go to my bedroom. [seriously when he sees my edward poster i kinda was embarrassed but then i was like whatever he's hot no shame] and finally we get down to the sexin. after some, yes you need to wear a condom talk, we get down to business. and then im like hey whats with the shirt on? turns out he has a freaking huge (5in x 3) although not gross birthmark on his side. i was like whateves. so we had sex twice and i would said it was....good. not tal good but good. definitely enjoyable and nice. i laughed and had fun and that is my favorite kind of sex. where it can be hot but you can laugh and have fun.

so i would say this was a solid B. above average, fun, i enjoyed myself. at least i had sex!! now ill get the sex itch, see so@24 for better explanation of no sex forever, then sex, then the concept of no sex.

so we'll see what happens with adrian, thats cute guys name, but he is

a snazzy dresser
european
tall
good kisser
makes me smile

also, i really think the tattoo will be happening soon. kinda pretty much really excited.

you can do magic

2009-05-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

"T gives me butterflies in my stomach. Just thinking about him makes me smile. I love going out to dinner with him or driving around or cuddling in bed. I love that when I drive he kisses my shoulder randomly and that he won't drive if he doesn't have his license even if it is only for 2 minutes. I miss just sitting with him. Sitting on the steps, between his legs, leaning against him, just talking and staring at they sky, it was such a content feeling. Sometimes I think happiness is just being with the right person at the right time and not wanting to be anywhere else"
july 21, 2008

a year ago i met someone who changed my life. i fell in love and i regret nothing. it ended and we haven't spoken in months and still i will always be thankful and happy at the times we had. to be able to feel that way and be in love, i am lucky i had that. i remember a year ago seeing him for the first time. i will never forget his smile or the way he said my name. he was a lost but good soul. he is the reason i am not dating to date or to lead someone on.

"The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did"

Jonathan Safran Foer

I think this will be my next tattoo. on my ribcage/side.
thought?

you proved you weren't the one for me

2009-05-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

i also got a gorgeous soft and comfy blue halter that matches the blue in the green scarf.

thrift store addiction? yes. i also am obsessed with dry erase board so when they had this brand new for $5 i was like sure why not? now my fridge has one too!!

i have a hang out with a hot romanian boy on wed so lets see how that goes.

i am SO excited for the GG young lily episode. seriously, they might make me like a young rufus.
fuck i love money. grrr. i hated "myamee" or whoever you spell her name.
i need to get season 1 of how i met your mother.

Not sure where to go
Everybody I know
Says I'm too forgiving
And now that I'm wrong
I don't wanna move on
I just keep reliving

All good things
I wish you
All good things
Come to an end
All good things
I wish you well

All Good Things
Mandy Moore

single girls swag

2009-05-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

i had a lot to say but deleted it. really, it can be summed up in one sentence:

Chicago bloggers are cliquey and i am glad not to be a part of it.

i have been so busy it is insane. work work work work. school. work work. friends. etc etc.
i love being busy. i thrive on it.

i also love:
phone calls from old friends who are amazing and its like we never stopped talking. wendys french fries and window penises forever lol.

bald guys, especially Israeli ones like the new one i met and want to knock boots with.

2 weeks til my trip!!

barbarella hair

vh1 tv (always)

sundressess

school is finishing up. work is going amazing. decisions are made. summer school soon and registering for the fall. i am happy and stressed and feeling good. no matter what, i know i will be okay and i love the friends i have. unless its knockin the boots guy i dont want a roommate. living alone suits me and i dont think i have the energy for someone else. i like my apt a lot and the 2nd bedroom is totally wasted as i keep the door closed all the time. i am thinking of making it an office or maybe use it as a guest room. that is so weird to me and too grown up.

a lot of other personal things are going on and if i am vague its because i want to be and dont have the energy, inclination, or reason to share it here. its a lot of stress and none at all and i am handling it the best i can.

attitude is the key and i am keeping mine happy.

i cant wait for the season finale of i love money 2. the new GG and OTH. dont get me started on the last tough love episode. oh jackyln!!!! also looking forward to seeing fighting and wolverine and even star trek.

Am I suppose to put my life on hold because you don't know how to act and you don't know where your life is going?

Am I suppose to be torn apart, broken hearted in a corner crying?

pardon me if I don't show it. I don't care if i never see you again. I'll be all right
take this final piece of advice and get yourself together, but either way baby I'm gone

I'm so over it I've been there and back, changed all my numbers and just in case your wondering i got that new I'm a single girl swag, got me with my girls and we're singing it.

na na na na na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye(repeat x2)

cut my hair 'cuz it reminded me of you. i know you like the long do, had to switch my attitude up, thinking of changing up how i ride, no more, on the passengers side, to bad you missed out on the way i drive it.

out of my skin

2009-04-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

i wish i knew where my camera charger was so i could it use it and take real pictures but for now this will do. hello, score at the thrift store!! i am in love with the brown levi's dress. so comfortable and adorable and loving the bracelet i got for 75cents. i am also LOVING the black patent pumps with the hot high heel that were $1.5o!!! half off is awesome!! the gold dress is fucking amazing, theres a little tear in the center i will just brooch up or something. beehive hair and black mascara here i come!! the skirts are amazing and everything i got was under $4.

school is almost done and i am looking into registering for some summer classes at oakton in addition to my school. am i crazy? yes yes yes and i dont care. when you have a dream, you don't let things stop you. yes i can!

so who needs to get laid? this girl. here is the problem. i have been propositioned many a time and there are chances i have turned. quite a few but i just can't. the last sex i had was so spectacular, id rather have that at the last time i was knockin the boots instead of with someone i am like eh about. i need that "i want to lick sweat off him" factor. i need the hot hot hot chemistry. plus i am so busy that i have no time and no energy. boo! hiss! no fun.

on facebook i picked the 5 people i would have me in a bar fight and obviously i was showing my need to get laid side because i picked: edward cullen, wolverine, vin diesel, and brad pitt in fight club (tyler durden). yeah...fight...my bed..whatever.

i also LOVE the people i have lunch with at school. they are the brightest smartest funnest girls and i adore them. so that always gives the days with my least fav classes something to look forward too.

i need to shower and study.

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

l.e.s. artistes
santogold

if...

2009-04-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

i had the best date last night.

we went to see 17 again.
perfect center seats.
popcorn.
drink.
no talking during the previews.

so, who's the best date ever?

me!

i took myself to the movies for the first time and i'm a great date. after feeling completely stressed and full of anxiety i was going to do a little retail therapy at target. i pulled in and realized, hey, there's a theatre right next to me. so i used my wonderful iphone and found the time and saw 17 again was playing in 15 minutes. so i went in and bought a ticket. i wasn't going to get a drink or popcorn but after i went to the bathroom i realized, why not? so i got myself some refreshments and had perfect seats in the theatre. i laughed and relaxed and for a few hours didn't think about an unpleasant situation i am in. it definitely worked. i also really recommend 17 again. it was cute and funny and zac efron did a great job. he really acted like a 35 year old man and acted just like matthew perry.

in other news, i got 3 awesome dresses, a new top, a ton of books, and this cute sign thing at the thrift store the other day. i also got a cute philosophy box. i love the salvation army. you never know what youre going to find. i got confessions of a shopaholic, remember me, can you keep a secret, and a few others for 50 cents each. good deal if you ask me and they look brand new.

i am stressed, anxiety ridden, and feeling all sorts of angry/sad/ahh! thank god that i am taking a much much needed vacay in a few weeks to see my bestie!! perspective is the key here.

i guess i am glad i am optimist cause at times likes this it helps alot.

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same

c u next tuesday

2009-04-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were)
The Veronicas

I saw it in the news
You told me they were wrong
And I stood up for you
'Cause I believed you were the one

You had all the chances in the world
To let me know the truth
What the hell's wrong with you?

Are you even listening when I talk to you?
Do you even care what I'm going through?
Your eyes stare and they're staring right through me
You're right there but it's like you never knew me

Do you even know how much it hurt,
That you gave up on me to be with her?
Revenge is sweeter than you ever were

I'm so mad at you right now
I can't even find the words
And you're on the way down
I can't wait to see you burn
You try to make me hate that girl
When I should be hating you
What the hell's wrong with you?

you sure don't deserve me at my best.

2009-04-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

you know that feeling when you have been traveling and you're in the car on the way to the hotel/place you're staying and you start getting ansty and just want to get there? then you get there and you throw your bags down and throw yourself on the bed and sigh?

that's all i wanted tonight. i had babysat late last night unexpectedly and tonight and i am tired. so tired i have forgettoen my backpack at school (thank goodness for friends) and have gotten off on the wrong elevator floor and fallen asleep in many places while standing up.

i don't mind being busy because i work well structured. its hard for me to admit but i need it. i need to have a sort of set schedule to know where my time is going. too much free time makes me lazy.

you know what i love? candles lighting my apartment. just candles. a clean apartment with candles and a nice smell and cuddling with bella. having to clean all the cat hair out has not been fun, i actually have to have a maid come over and the sofas have to be cleaned. i hate the fact that i have not outgrown my allergies because as soon as i touch the hair, its sniffles mcgee. very sexy i assure you. but the apartment is basically quite clean and quiet and cozy.

i honestly am not sure about having another roommate. i have never really gotten the chance to enjoy living alone. if jenn hadnt come along i would never have been motivated to make the apartment feel cozy but when she came, it defintiely became a home and not just a place to sleep. so i went from bf to bf and family and whatnot and now is the first time i am happy living alone. i have a lot of offers for people who want to live with me but...i dont know. i love the quiet. so now the place is cozy and almost deocrated the way i want and i like it.

i work. i go to school. i have good days. i have bad days. i smile.

oh. have i mention i am ridiculously horny? seriously i don't know whats up but i am eyeing up everyone. i am telling people they have nice teeth (actually thats a pretty/cute funny story but yeah). i miss tal but what else is new? i guess i am just not willing to find some random dude and my fav dial a dicks are not my favorite anymore.

i am going to crawl under the covers with bella and watch the office.

only god can judge me- tupac

2009-04-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

i get excited when people don't want to blog anymore. sounds weird, right? don't get me wrong i miss the bloggers when they stop but usually it means something is going right for them and they don't have the time to blog. sometimes it means something bad and i hope they are relying on real life friends to get them through.

blogging is great and you meet people you wouldn't but there is just more to life that it. there's a life out there to be lived and sometimes it feels good to be so tired from the days events you want to sleep, not blog.

blogging can definitely become not fun. it makes me sad when there is pressure to make it great., fuck that. i will post a gchat that makes me laugh even if no one else does. thats how i roll bitches.

but seriously, with all that shit from miss musing plagiarizing, that was some messed up shenanigans. especially since Ashley met her in real life. the thing is, you may know a blogger and love them and see pics and meet them but you still might not know them. they still might only show a side they want you to see. you can think they are one way but they can be opposite. often i think there are little cracks if you look for them.

still lets be honest bla blah blog for myself, most people are bullshit when they say that. if you really want to vent, do you REALLy rush to the blog or only when its about the person you usually vent to? i always first go to my best friend and friends and then blog. i don't rush to my blog for sympathy.

love me hate me whatever. i love most people and some i dont. so what? not all bloggers like each other. there are some bloggers i completely cant stand and you couldn't pay me to read. some are always complaining. some are always asking fucking questions and i'm like wtf, is this a personal blog to vent or a forum. yeah i think questions are great but not ever single post. i get confused. am i reading a blog which is someones outlet or a way for them to make friends on the Internet?

seriously i know i sound bitchy but these are my fucking issues. i am sick of people pretending to be who theyre not on blogs. or blogs pretending to be personal when they clearly are not. and seriously? not everyone is going to become big or famous from there blog. and some completely will. the ones that do blog for themselves and arent asking me a million questions. best blog in my opinion? jen lancaster from jennslynvania.
fuck dooce. i said it. i do not get at all why people act like she is the best thing since chuck bass. she clearly is not.

give me bight lights big ass or pretty in plaid or some such a pretty fat anyday.

2009-04-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

he calls me and tells me he's happy. he's met someone. she has a bf but he likes her. they are seeing each other. he's going to keep talking to her. i was happy. i want him to be happy. it will never be with me and i know even if he wanted me, he is not enough for me. it's a weird situation but i feel better then i have in the last year and a half. i feel like we are getting back to the friendship.

mood? bittersweet.

important people

2009-04-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

10:30 PM me: yopu know whats stupid

why the hell isnt there a movie of "forever"

wait

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077574/

why the hell havent i seen this!!!!!

10:31 PM Bianca: WTF

when was that?!

10:32 PM me: this was michael!?!?

http://photos-g.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v339/17/70/545598551/n545598551_1327598_1898.jpg

http://www.stephaniezimbalist.net/forever.jpg

Bianca: no no that's all wrong!

haha

me: he has perex gay face

10:33 PM Bianca: we HAVE to find that

me: http://www.sell.com/22Z8RN

maybe a library?

10:34 PM oh wait

he was almanzo on little house

i kinda loved him then

10:37 PM video clip!!

10:38 PM Bianca: HAHAHAHA

omg

10:39 PM me: omg this is soo funny

Bianca: haha "i won't get pregnant again...unless i want to"

10:40 PM me: hehhe

10:41 PM bullshit they met in a store not on the street

hallmark cards people!!

2009-04-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

i want to address the issue of censorship. this is not a normal blog post for me but it is something that has been brought up to me multiple times the past 2 days.

i think living with someone who is a blogger does mean you have to censor your blog but i wouldn't use the word censor. as my friend patrick says, "a request to not embarrass a person in public is not "censorship" but rather "good manners"".

i chose not to talk about a situation out of respect for a mutual blogger. we have mutual friends in real life and share some readers. we have posted pictures of each other and vlogs. we are known via facebook. we are simply, not anonymous. because we are known by our real names and in our everyday lives, i give this blogger and any blogger the respect i do any of my regular friends. if there is a problem it is between the people involved, i wouldn't pull a gossip girl (love you chuck!!).

are there people i talk about on my blog? sure. my ex boyfriends def are on that list and probably a few acquaintances. if there was any way i thought they were regularly reading my blog, i would NEVER post about them and i still generally don't. i know when i am venting at the moment it is a biased view and might not be accurate. there are always 2 sides to every story.

i know a lot of bloggers write about their relationships and then feel bad or have to apologize when they get back with a friend or an ex they have bashed. they realize at that point that they only gave one side of a much bigger picture. readers tend to be fiercely loyal and protective which is a great thing but they can only judge what they are shown.

so....i think it's legitimate to ask not to air laundry in public.

there were a lot of thinly veiled accusations and implications and untruths. i was simply not comfortable with a blog attacking me, addressing me as "you". i was not comfortable with people assuming i wasn't proud of my job or that i was a stripper. i did appreciate that it was clarified that was not my job but people again, know my first name and last name, they have my facebook information via this blogger. i have a family and a job and rumors fly. would any of you be comfortable with that rumor floating around?

the bottom line is i have struggled with writing this post. i dont want a blog war. i addressed my feelings via email and the blog was eventually taken down. nothing is 100% private once you put it on the internet. i gladly "censor" myself if it means not hurting someone and just venting to my real life friends or even via email or gchat. i am sure every blogger doesn't write a few things because they know the person will read it. should everyone write everything and disregard peoples feelings? i can't be that way. that's what a best friend is for. to call and bitch and leave it between us.

what i want is for there to be a respect for all bloggers and blog friendships. i want to know that what i said in confidence is as safe as what was told to me. i want to feel safe in writing. what i put out here is my choice. it is one thing to write something about my self and it another to be called out on things i chose not to put on the internet.

there are a lot of blogger meet ups being planned, the vegas trip, blogher, the 20 something meet up, bloggers are not going to be anonymous. some people will find they love their fav bloggers in real life, some might not. there are going to be alot of opinions and feelings and good times and maybe some bad. are we all going to write about other bloggers and not care? will this become like a high school clique and some people are in and some not? is there going to be a mean girls in the blogging world? as a good friend and blogger says " all friendships should be treated the same whether internet or not".

so, before people judge an issue they dont know. before a post goes up, maybe we should all just think about who it's going to affect. would you talk about a friend behind their back but in front of their face? would you want to hurt someone even if you know you don't mean it or are temporarily mad? i got into blogging because it was a place to write and catch up with friends and somehow i made friends and began to really care about people i dont know. they have become my friends and i want respect them and their feelings and i don't call it censorship. this is a community and as a community we should all follow the rules of respect.

this is the only time i will be mentioning this issue. whatever happened in the relationship between the blogger and i is between us. what i know about her was told to me in confidence and is not going to be repeated, implied, or mentioned on this blog. i expect the same treatment.

the bottom line is we are all people trying to get by in this world and do the best we can. sometimes things don't happen the way we want. it hurts to lose a friend and i don't wish it on anybody. at the end of the day all i have is myself, my integrity, self respect, and a dvr full of tv bfs ;)

i got time, i'm so impatient, i'd just like some information

2009-04-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

new pillow- $7.50 at marshalls
10 used books from salvation army and the library for $5
12 pack of corona-$12
cranberry juice-$2.39 for a big bottle
4 baking trays-$2 at dollar store

tonight was a good night. love buying things on sale.
bella is staring at me.
i bought a book on how to teach her tricks.
i LOVE the tinted windows song "messing with my head"
tuesday has no good tv shows.
thank goodness for books.
i should be sleeping.

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

2009-04-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

i know the carpenters were california people but this song is so chicago. rain makes me not want to leave my house.

i think my wedding song will be "we've only just begun". is it to early to think of that considering how the only men in my life are fictional? [looking at you chuck bass, edward, cappie, and now fisher on greek].

who's listening to burt bacharach, perry como, dionne warwick, the carpenters, elvis, tom jones, neil diamond and loves it? me. it makes me want to live in a simpler time. well. not really but maybe have the time machine you can go and have an experience and then come back to your regular life. oh, forever in blue jeans.

i was talking to andy tonight and i realized i have some goals i didn't even think of.

during the next year this is what i'd like to accomplish:

finish school by next may
learn to speak conversational hebrew and read hebrew
apply to masters programs in israel or apply for a work program
finish conversion to judaism
live in israel for a year.

my newst obsession? this amazing tumblr by mandy and nora called leave happier. need a pick me up or smile or just feeling good? go there. love it mandy!!!

don't judge me lol.

if I could dream, it would be about you.

2009-04-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

this is in my kitchen and i thought that something inspirational would be nice to see. i usually write really straight but sometimes it's good to be imperfect. i don't know if im going to change it each week or for every month. oh. idea!!

leave me your fav lyrics/quotes/whatever that inspire you or something you love and i'll keep it on there and post a pic when i write it!!

i always love a nice fridge. clan or full, i can be an admirer. right now i have only a few things but everything is healthy and yummy and i am happy. i have the chicken/brown rice/green pepper meal my mom makes for me. low cal and delicious it's what i live on. brita water and some bottled water my mom also got me. add that to some yummy pico de gallo, some salads i made, and eggs because they are good in baking and that's what i eat. the only other thing i love is sweet potatoes but they don't go in the fridge but i will be making some sweet potato fries this week.this girl @wannaberealitysuperstar is amazing and i get to see her next week. bacci and bella totally need hangs. plus with my bestie in cali, i need someone to come watch top model with me and drink wine and yell at the tv. k is a genuine and sweet person who has a huge heart with a side of awesome and sassy served with sugar on top! i look forward to talking to her more and laughing my ass off!!

***************************
randoms

blog rules are stupid
moms are the best
wtf bret michaels. wtf.
LOVE tough love and my fake tv bf steve ward!!

vh1 reality is the best by far
i am on a very fucked up sleep schedule
i don't care because i'm happy and not stressed
i forgot that i like living alone so much
i LOVE my new microwave
i made cupcakes that are kosher for passover and still yummy
i miss him
i had breakfast with my dad at omega
i do not hook up. oh kelly!
also kinda love that pink is back with cary hart. i wish jessica had gotten back with nick.

and im done!

baby, do the drugs make it better?

2009-04-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

oh bella. when i get my allowance, do i buy myself cute things? do i rush to forever 21 or barnes and nobles or to buy new shoes? no. i buy you a dress and matching blanket. i buy you a new leash so you can go farther when i take you out. i buy you new bones. i buy you a kong to freeze with peanut butter so you're not totally bored when i'm gone. my mom says your cage is like a mini bedroom in my room. i love you silly pup.

oh target. i went looking for a microwave and instead found myself browsing through your books. i glance at nick and norah's infinite playlist and open to a random page. what do i find but this page which talks about norah and an israeli name tal. something these happen and you hurt and feel good at the same time. tal apparently doesn't want know how to talk to me because he feels so bad. how about not talking makes it work. whatever. we do the best we can.

on a different note, people really surprise you. seriously, maybe it's my background but there are somethings i just wouldn't do. i am basically wondering if this was intentional or not. time will tell i suppose.
also tonight at target my mom bought me Love Story. a sweet little $5 treat. love her! we didn't find a microwave and she was all appalled at 10% sales tax so she's getting one in wisconsin when she's there tomorrow. she is one good mom. pretty much the best.

i plan on checking this place plus some others out soon. i have big designs for my kitchen and am looking to find somethings i can refurbish and make adorable. i am definitely in the mood to make a change and go for what i want...cheaply. i am looking for other rooms of the apt too but for now the kitchen is my goal since it's basically a blank canvas and theres a lot to work with.

*****************
sometimes all you need is peace and quiet.

sometimes all you need is your dog.

sometimes all you need to do is look in the mirror and smile.

sometimes you need to make a playlist and go to sleep.

sometimes you need to put up something that asks:

does anyone want/know anyone who wants to adopt 2 (or 1) adorable rabbits? my friend's wife is pregnant with her 3rd child and the rabbits are too much work for her since her husband travels. i am looking for a wildlife place or something to take them but they are great pets. so...let me know!

sometimes all you need is some chicago rock.

I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.

2009-04-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

(stole this from carissa@ the lovely dove who got it from Craig Damrauer @ new math)

so right now i am loving

the disney channel
watching hsm videos on youtube while driving (don't judge)
princess diaries 2 (just saw it)
my mom (as always)
bianca's save the date card
antm reruns on oxygen
"The #3 thing i'm gonna work on... is the way I talk to people. I'm a work in progress... LETS GO PEOPLE!!!"- p diddy's twitters @ iamdiddy
my library card
gchats with andy @ life isnt so terrible after all
a clean closet
stress reducing massages
myself

so school and no work and pesach/passover and just looking forward to the next few weeks. some changes going on, new roommate, school ending, projects, papers, a lot of shenanigans. bella's dad is in miami where i wish i was but in a month i'll be on my first ever california trip to see my bestest friend in the universe for her bridal shower!! california watch out! summer school with start in a month and a half or so and woah i think i have a test tomorrow in earth science. better study tonight after i finish clearing off my bed!

okay so i love andy because while on the gchat (i sound like an old person, while "on the line"..but i digress) we got on the topics of dogs and rescue dogs and i totally emailed the shelter where i got bella and asked about where her brother is or if her mom is still around and the lady got right back to me and says she is going to look up the records so maybe i will know and even see one of bellas family members!!!!!

so i bought a wig and LOVE it. my friend lital and i went to 'hooker row' where the pros shop (how law and order of me!) and i found this fabulous wig for only $20 that everyone thinks is real.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."

Miss Piggy

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

2009-04-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

i often give myself honest and critical evaluations. checking to see when i have a valid point or am being a bitch. to see whether i am right or where i should back down. to see if i am too nice and need to stand up for myself. basically looking at my actions and seeing what i should be proud of myself and where i need some improvement or a major attitude adjustment.

i used to be a really thoughtless person. i was so in my own world i never thought about how actions affected other people. i had a good heart but my actions were frustrating to the people around me. i made choices without ever thinking about the consequences. i was always so willing to talk about myself i assumed that people just didn't like sharing about themselves. i would let calls go unanswered and not listen to voice mails for weeks. my family never knew where i was or how i was doing because i would sporadically answer. i did whatever i wanted. i was a spoiled girl who knew nothing.

in the past 2/3 years I have made a conscious change to myself. i have adjusted my attitude. i have asked other people about how they are. i call people back. i am learning to make my word my bond. i work harder. i don't quit when it gets tough. i ask for help. i tell my mom i love her every day and i tell my dad. they support me and encourage me and help me try to be a better person. when i saw how my actions hurt them, that was the biggest eye opener for me. so at this point in my life i try to keep myself, my blog, my actions, positive. i put in the bad stuff too but overall i try to keep perspective and remember how incredibly lucky i am.

the things about blogs is a lot of people only show a certain side of themselves. i read a great post at adorably distracted and she talked about bloggers that always seem to mad or angry. i full heartedly agree. blogs are a a place to vent, to talk, to say how you feel, but my favorite blogs are the ones who have everything.

my 2 fav bloggers, andy and rachel, they are positive girls even the face of sadness, they are ambitious, smart girls who put it all out there, the good and bad, the funny the sad, the silly, themselves. i honestly just love reading them because they are so honest and arent afraid to put something they might see an unflattering out there. they don't censor themselves. they aren't worrying about blog comments or how bloggers see them. i love these girls and they are what i aspire to be.

recently i find myself in a situation that has me feeling so many things. sad, angry, confused, relieved, a bunch of emotions that end up feeling bittersweet. i guess semisonic was right when they said "every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

"Songs are as sad as the listener."

2009-03-31T20:03:00.000-07:00

"I knew, in the silence that followed, that anything could happen here. It might be too late: again, I might have missed my chance. But I would at least know I tried, that I took my heart and extended my hand, whatever the outcome.
"Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?"
I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him."
Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

sometime i wish i had the chance to do that.

sometimes i open up the folder on my desktop that has his pictures. i can look at 1 or 2 but i tear up or it just hurts in my chest. i close it and sigh and put it out of my mind. i miss him and i feel like its inappropriate. he left me and has a girlfriend and lives halfway across the world. but woody allen and my mom say, "the heart wants what the heart wants".

sometimes i am so mad at myself for not working up to my potential. a phrase heard all my life. a phrase that is true. i am trying to correct it but it is hard work. i am proud of myself for not giving up when last year i would have easily withdrawn, or not even that, just taken the f's and stop going to class. i am getting good grades and while there are somethings i am behind on, i have kept up communication with my teachers and they are supporting me.

sometimes i fall asleep with the lights on and jeans on and wake up to the tv but when i see bella next to me, i just turn the lights and tv off, kick off my jeans, and fall asleep feeling loved.

sometimes, most of the time, all the time, i really believe everyone just wants to be loved. to wake up in the middle of the night and know if you had a bad dream there is a warm body who will tell you they love you and hold you. they'll do it unconsciously because even when they are asleep their love for you is so strong and deep and even their subconscious knows how strong and permanently they love you.

sometimes i know that all i need is this...if you need some, take it.
there's enough to go around.

hello blog, are you there? it's me, tiffany

2009-03-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

sometimes the internet and i need some time apart.

sometimes i'm like "internet, you're too needy and i need some space"
and it's all "baby i miss you, come check out all the awesome blogs and terrible eharmony matches and perez"
and i'm all "i know honey but i need some time, i have to work to keep you in the style you're accustomed" and then we take a break for a while.

but the internet has been awfully sweet lately so i decided to kiss and make up. what can i say? when it's right, it's right.

i worked about 60 hours last week. 16 which were training and unpaid. but still i made about %700 which is good for babysitting. also considering i'm not going to be working for 2 weeks when the kids i babysit go to israel.

i bought some hot high heels for $12 on sale
bought 2 cute bras for $8 from Rampage
watched and loved Race to Witch Mountain
got my $50 gift card from Chase Bank
my ex went to Columbia for 9 days. wtf?
his stupid friend decided to shave bella. don't get me started on how mad i am.
my mom talked to me about possibly buying a condo.
went to the kohl's children museum and met my new fake bf

please notice how he works with kids and doesn't seem annoyed. how he wears the kid size apron. how adorable he is. sigh. a hot man who works with kids? sigh. perfect!

omg look at this! top model stuff at walmart. so going to buy some.

also planning on littlest pet shop for the DS. don't judge me.

target run today. make up. ds game.

work tonight.

next week i should be blogging more and talking about all my fuzzy feelings and life. oh boy.

what puts a smile on my face

2009-03-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

I've been roaming around
Always looking down
And all I see
Painted faces
Fill the places
I can't reach

You know
That I could
Use somebody
You know
That I could
Use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know
And how you speak
Countless lovers
Under cover
Of the street

2009-03-23T06:01:00.000-07:00

i do NOT have a problem.
not with target or with rpattz.

i am going to babysit in 30 mins.
i have worked everyday for like 2 weeks.
i cant wait for the new hills season.
i cant wait for 17 again. shut up!
you love zac efron too.

there's probably a lot more going on but no time.
andy-im' glad you're feeling better and good luck with school acceptances!!!

later!