men are like the mafia, they keep pulling you back in

i have like 3 posts ready to go and i was all about to post one when i got home but a phone call tonight changed that for me.

first my frienemy(? i'm not sure how much i can trust him, we used to be like bro/sis but now....) called me and was like 'where are you? i need to ask you some questions can we talk in an hour or so?' and i figured it was business stuff so i was like fine.

i drove to babysitting and called him on the way letting him know i was going to be busy. he tells me, semi laughing how someone is mad at me and i'll hear in a few days but he's with that person? we talked for a while about other stuff. i congratulated him when he let me know his wife was pregnant. actually i'm very excited about that because i love her and their 2 girls and was at the hospital the day their last daughter was born.

he also let me know the ex, tal, wants to come back. apparently he isn't making as much money in israel and wants to come back and work for eyal. eyal was like 'oh where are you going to stay' and apparently tal was like 'oh with tiffany' and eyal was like 'ha she would kill you'.

And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always

ahhhhhhhh. while i would love to say if he did come back it wouldn't affect me and i wouldn't see him and i dont care, that is complete bullshit. i would hate him and yet see him. yell and then fuck him. i would know he was a bad dude and still love him. i would be an idiot and not care because i would be happy.

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said

Forever and always

people wonder how i can be okay with elad and his gf and that situation. people think mayaan is stupid for being with his ex and now current gf but i defy anyone to say that when the one person who can always get under your skin and who posseses you in a way no one ever has, when they come back into your life, you deny them.

Was I out of line? Did I say something way to honest?
Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure

i don't care that i know he is the worst kind of bad for me. i love the cheating asshole. this is where i thank god for immigration laws. he overstayed his visa last time and i dont think he is allowed back in. thank god. because its one thing when hes thousands of miles away. its quite another when i could see and taste and feel and hear him.

So heres to everything
Coming down to nothing
Heres to silence
That cuts me to the core
Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute but I don't anymore

it is actually pretty hard for me to admit this. i feel weak and stupid but ya know what, it's how i feel. i am just glad that he won't get back in because if even the thought gets me this crazy and upset and out of whack, what if he actually got a ticket and was on his way back? i hate knowing how stupid i am to even think this way and i can't stop it.

i thank god for best friends who write amazing blog posts.
if you ever wanted to get a glimpse at who b and i are, this is the post for you.
i need to try and sleep but i don't think that is happening.
thank goodness patrick (who lives in seattle) is up and gchatting.
i was trying to read but 'twilight' isn't exactly what i feel like will help me stay away from love. maybe the stephanie plumb, plum spooky, will help.
sigh.

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you