The suddenly, she's not your ho, no mo'

Confession: Every time I hear this song,I want to call E up and tell him to come home because I love him. Sigh.

You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Today was great. I had an interview at 4 this afternoon with the nanny agency. Looks very promising. They have 2 families that are M-F, 3-7ish which would be a great part time job with school so I am really excited. I love working with kids so this should be awesome. The commitment is for a year and extra hours are always available so that's really nice. I am looking forward to finding a family that fits and helping out. They also give an option to pay cash so that's nice too.

Things I Cant Wait For!!

I will leave you with something to smile about. Or I just love The Office (especially Jim Halpert.)
Swoon.

Our bazooms are our weapons!

Confession: I love The Nanny and record it on my dvr. Seriously, it is a funny, well written show. Who doesn't sing along with "She was working at a Bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, when her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes.."

Today was GLORIOUS!

I woke up at my normal time (7ish) and happily got to force myself to sleep more. Bella was crashed out next to me. She then woke herself up to stare at me (leaving about 1 millimeter between her face and mine) very patiently until I woke up. Love my little stalker dog.

Watched some tv, chilled, had some breakfast. Little tip: Scrambled eggs are a million times better if you throw in some Emeril's Original Essence spices. After breakfast decided to hit the pool. Grabbed my bathing suit, Hawaiian Tropic, Stacey Ballis book "Sleeping Over" and my iPod, and I was ready to go.

The pool was thankfully not crowded on such a beautiful day so I found a nice chair to lay in the sun and relaxed. I love "safety break" time where every 15 minutes at the beginning of the hour all kids under 16 have to get out of the pool for adult time. Clever name park district! Talked to T who was missing me the same time I was calling him. This happens to us sometimes. I will literally be thinking about him or right about to call him and before I can press send, he is calling me. We don't have a usual time of day to talk, it's usually completely random, so it always make me smile.

Tanned and read almost the whole book and took a cool dip in the pool. Talked to my friend L, who is on is way to Iowa for a few days. Whenever he hears this one song with my name in it, he calls me and sings along. Love him!

I was at home for a while and sat in the yard with Bella relaxing. Apparently the sun does make you tired so I took a nice long nap. Last year E and I went to Florida for 3 weeks and used to tan all morning everyday and take long naps after. I loved the feeling of the cool sheets on my sun soaked body and the feel of his warm body curled into mine. Memories like that are so bittersweet. That vacation is one of the best memories of my life. Le sigh.

Now I am really, actually, going to clean this mess of an apartment. I have procrastinated so much in the last few weeks but seriously, after Bella keeps ripping up paper and the most random things, it needs a good cleaning.

I have a job interview tomorrow at 4, some sales work in the morning, and I want to email 2 people who converted Orthodox to ask questions. Also need to check and see what happened with what the CRC mailed me.

I leave you with some adorably cheeky Hugh Grant!

If you text it, I'll delete it

Confession: I totally watched the Hanna Montana "Best of Both Worlds Tour". Best part? The fact that Stacey Jones from Veruca Salt is the band director. (according to wikipedia he also produced the new Miley Cyrus album).

Yesterday was my last day at work. Seriously, I am just going to express how absolutely ridiculous and rude the people I work directly with are. Of the 10 people I work with directly, only 1 said anything to me. About me even leaving at all. Since my boss sent an email last week about my last day, they said absolutely NOTHING. Even if I didn't like someone, I would never be that rude. I would never treat someone that way. Everyone else in the other departments called, came over, took me to lunch on Friday and we went to a bar Monday after work. But the people I have seen everyday for the past year? Nothing. Thank goodness there was actually one nice person who sent me this email, which made up for the nasty people I work with.

With this being your last day I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I know things kinda went sour over here with people talking shit and everything, but its cool that you kept it real. People are always gonna talk, that's why I don't really like to bring my personal life into the work place as much. These people don't really know me and don't really care outside of work. I'm glad you were someone I could be more real with. So, I just wanted to thank you for that. So thanks again and good luck with everything in life. If you ever need someone to talk to or whatever u got my number. Take care.

So. That gives me some reassurance that I wasn't the evil office person and it was their problem, not mine.

T is definitely coming. Sunday night I will be picking him up from O'Hare.

You know that Seinfeld episode where George succeed by doing everything against his instinct? "My name is George. I'm unemployed and live with my parents." That's kind of how I feel about how I've treated my relationship with T. I am sweet and kind and helpful, the way I have always been and the way I was with E. To a point. I realized I was just a little too much of everything and it was just too easy for him to take me for granted. When he left me for his crazy ex who was anything but sweet and kind and is pretty much crazy, well, I began to see, nice doesn't always get you what you want.

With T, I don't "baby" him and expect him to be an adult. Turns out I was treating E like the 16 year old he was acting like. That's even being a bit kind. I love E but I need to love myself more. Maybe it will work with T, maybe not but I need to try. When I told E that T was coming, or wanted to (before we made the decision), I wanted to give the respect to E that I feel a person deserves.

I just realized some background is needed. E is in Israel right now and has been since the beginning of June to the end of August. He also was there from December to February. We were together 2 years ago. We lived together, got Bella together, and we're happy. We had a fun relationship, went on vacations, hung out with friends, lived a good life. When he was able to go back to Israel in December (where he is from) to see his family, I was more concerned with missing him and decorating our apartment then him falling back in with his insane ex. I was crazy 100% in love with E. I can't even say now, that a part of me doesn't love him ridiculously. It will probably always be there. I basically live my life with the rule that as much as I may love something/one, I need to love myself more.

So we broke up in February. I moved out and he had to keep Bella, since at my new apt she was barking like crazy and pissing neighbors off. His whore gf (as I refer to her amongst my friends) was supposed to come here and after 6 plane tickets where E kept changing his mind, she finally came, only to not even be able to leave the airport because of immigration. They sent her right back to Israel. So a few weeks later, we hung out where he told me he was done with her. He says he realized how crazy and bad she was and how he was relived she wasn't able to come. Then 3 days later, he books a flight to Israel for 3 months and leaves a week later. He tried to rent his apartment while he was gone but I was like nonono no one is going to be living there with Bella. I do not trust strangers with my dog and have to ask permission to see her.

Now he is letting me know he wants to come back now. Early. That they are done and how could I let him make that mistake, that he would never let me do that. Argh!!!!!! I was like, "yo I didn't let you, you booked the ticket and left. I tried to stop you."

So. T is coming. I do not want to stay at E's apartment with him but there is the problem of Bella. That is my biggest stress right now. Also I actually want to move from the apartment I have now. When T gets here I guess we'll talk and maybe look for apartments together. I am making the decisions for me though and if he wants to come along fine but I am only making decisions with myself in mind because I am still a bit wary and cautious these days (thanks E!!).

Okay I need to get dressed and call my friend M to see if he wants to go tanning at the pool.

I love that Dean calls Tori, "t"

T wants to come in a week.

And move in with me.

And live here.

Wow.

E is coming back in the next month.

Seriously, this is crazy and I am actually considering it.

More later.

Hail Mary, whats up

Confession: I am listening to Hootie and the Blowfish. And I like it!

Yesterday was a really fun day because I got to see one of my best friends. Yale has been one of my closest friends for like 10 years (wow, go us!). [That's crazy she isn't my oldest friend. B and I have been friends for 18 years!!!!] Seriously, as I am writing that, it's insane. 10 years of amazing memories and it seems just like yesterday I was at WA (high school)meeting her on the Lake Forest day parade and thinking what pretty blue eyes and blonde hair she had. That sounds kinda lesbionic but it's true she has awesome eyes!! So anyways we had dinner to catch up as she has recently been in Peru and Seattle.

I had a lovely Leffe Blonde beer and buffalo wings. Way to go diet!! I drove to her apartment and we ended up at this nice little place where we wanted to eat outside because it was such a beautiful night. As she lives in a trendy neighborhood, everybody and their dog (literally) had the same idea so we ended up eating inside. We sat at a booth in the middle which was like a total date but wasn't. I am sure the people around us loves us, as our conversation consisted of sex talk, high school friends, the current relationships were in and the good sex we are missing! It is always good to see Yale because we are 100% honest and crazy and can tell each other anything. We have been in a ton of situations together, from crazy road trips to late night driving, and of course getting pulled over in front of a police station where when asked why she was speeding, she replied "I don't know, I like to speed". Good times, trust me. (There may have been some giggling and drunk dirty texting to T where Yale helped me send a steamy message all the while giggling. I love my friends!!)

So we talked about love and dating and how sometimes it is not okay to be "happy enough" but how we need to just be truly happy. I am really proud of her because she had an opportunity to cheat on her girlfriend with someone she really has feelings for and she didn't. Instead she came home, told her girlfriend, and is being honest and upfront about wanting to leave her relationship. I know it is really scary to leave the comfort of a relationship and having someone to come home to but when it is not the right fit, it is better to leave then drag it on.

I wish E had the guts to do this. To have told me when he felt I wasn't the right one, or as he puts it, not his "100%". When I found out he was with me because it was comfort and he did like me but didn't see a long term future, I was crushed. I LOVED coming home to him, sleeping at night, vacations, dinner with friends, calling each other all day. I guess I was his best friend not his 100% girlfriend. I wish I had known before I kept getting more attached and thinking of a long term future. I wish I had known this before he went and saw his crazy ex gf in Israel and I had to find out from the airlines (they called his cellphone which I had about changing his ticket and asked for his ex gf and I was like woah).

In the end though, I am glad to be single and E and I are still best friends. I have grown up so much and learned alot about myself. The truth is, the more you accept things and just keep busy, life takes over. When it was the end of 2007 I said 2008 was going to be a great year for me. Some REALLY unexpected things happened and some might say it was a bad year but the good has totally outweighed anything bad, Bad is a weird word anyways because I regret nothing and everything has truly been a learning experience. I also found G-d this year and that has given me a faith I have never had. Which leads me to...

I talked to the Chicago Rabbinical Counsel and they are sending me information and an application on converting to Judaism. Studying the jewish culture, holidays, life, has brought G-d into my life in a way I have never felt before. I called the CRC yesterday and today while at work I found this awesome blog: accidentally jewish about a jewish girl's conversion to Judaism in Chicago. I feel like G-d is showing me so many signs this is the right path for me. On the other side of religion...

I was going to youtube to get the video for Death Cab for Cutie's "I will follow you into the dark" video but youtube was suggesting things while I typed and I totally had to put in this.


Love you Sister Mary Clarence!!! (oh that kathy najimy!!)

Also here is the video for Death Cab. I LOVE this song. The lyrics are beautiful.

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs
on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Confession: I bought a bought a book at Barnes and Nobles just to read and return. A book for teenagers. SO@24 reminded me of the Alice books and there was a new one...

While I was walking into the B&N tonight, I saw a car which reminded me of an ex's mother, who I used to be close with. Does this happen to people? Some cars will just always remind me of my ex boyfriends. I still live in the same area as when I was growing up. My weekly errands and life cause me to occasionally drive where my ex's live/d and hung out and places that I practically lived with some of them.

I cannot see a red ford explorer Eddie Bauer and not think of my crazy ex BS who I have a restraining order against.[He actually made it into the police blotter which was amazing since it stated "Mr. Sxxxxxx was arrested while IMing the victim". Seriously, that still makes me laugh. Chicago cops arresting a guy for IMming.] What's funny is my Mom has the exact same car, color, model, year and everything. She had hers first actually. So she has this car and so does he and they both are in the neighborhood where my Grandma is and I swear, anytime, anywhere I see a red Explorer, I cringe and check to make sure it's not him.

I see Black Honda Civics and Red and think of E. Also when I see my old car model, which he owns now, I always take a glance to see if it's him. Sometimes it is and we laugh and one of us will call each other beep. That is fun actually and always a nice suprise.

The times when I am still friendly with the person always make me feel happy if I see a car or person that looks like them. The instance today though, the possibility of seeing BS's mom was kind of terrifying. She and I parted on good terms but then the whole restringing order thing and I don't know what she thinks of me. When BS was all crazy toward the end and getting abusive she was all for me leaving. She was always a nice lady, if not exactly smart. I wonder what would happen if I run into her. For a 5'2 98lbs lady, she has a crazy temper but can also be just as sweet.

I guess I find it funny what we remember. Cars. Movies we watched with someone. A special restaurant. Music. I wonder what reminds people of me. What songs or items that make them think of me, whether it's my best friend B, or someone I haven't seen in years. I'd like to think when my first bf J sees an Eeyore, a plaid catholic girl skirt, or smells the perfume Angel, he thinks of me. Or when he gets Panda Express since we were at the Mall food court every Friday for like 2 years during high school. I hope people see/smell/hear something and when it reminds them of me its something they are happy to remember.

What do you hope people remember? What are memories that will always be attached to someone?

Confession: I like to send very inappropriate/dirty text messages to T
Confession #2: I am addicted to the 60 calorie fudgsicles

Oh! I realized today that this guy who asked me out while I was at the library this weekend stalked me out on match.com!!!! I joined after my breakup with E for a self esteem boost and this guy was always trying to talk to me. I talked him and found him offensive and pushy. I forgot about him and thought Library guy looked familiar and didn't think anything of it and then realized (and double checked) and it's crazy match.com guy!! AND he lied about his age and said he was 32 and not 36. Eww. So regretting giving my phone number. Seriously though, when he texted me and I politely replied asking how he was, he said "bloated". Ewwww TMI gross gross gross!!

Work was soooo slow. Enough said. Hung out at Target on lunch and talked to E for a while. Miss him a little but not like before. He still wants to come home early. I don't know if it's possible because Air Canada hates me. While I was on the phone, I accidentally muttered under my breathe 'jesus christ' which I didn't think was bad but the guy on the phone commanded I not say that again or he would hang up. I was like, he's not my lord and savior, and it was on. Back and forth and a supervisor and a hang up later, the travel agency girl who was conferenced in and I were in half shock half laughing our asses off. I really would have been polite if he literally hadn't commanded me to not say it and brought religion into his job. All he had to do was ask and not order. He had started off the phone call rude so it just flowed into a river of nasty.


<- Here's what I texted to B today (along with the message "ralph!!") During my Target trip I ended up in the book aisle as always and saw this and knew I had to send her a picture of the Judy Blume classic to cheer her up while she is working as an intern before her last year of law school *shameless plug just to show what a smartie my bff is!!* This book was such a simple and classic story with awesome quotes, about first love and sex. It's totally 70's but I love it. He led my hand to his penis. "Katherine...I'd like you to meet Ralph...Ralph, this is Katherine. She's a very good friend of mine." "Does every penis have a name?"
"I can only speak for my own."

How can you not a book with a quote like that?

It got me thinking though, there are a lot of books for girls growing up dealing with "budding sexuality" and first love and what not. Judy Blume wrote most of them (Are you there God, it's me, Margaret; Deenie; Tiger Eyes, etc) but what books are out there for boys? Are there books all boys read as coming of age or what not? It seems to me like girls get the romance novels and boys gets Playboys. I would love to know if there is a book, or even books, all guys read to learn about sex, love, etc or if they go by their old friends and bothers and magazines? How nice would it be if girls got handed a few more Playgirls and the boys had a book of their own?

I just wonder if how we are introduced to sex doesn't set such a huge tone for dating. Here girls are reading about guys who wants to wait and who don't pressure or leave as soon as you have sex and guys are seeing naked pictures of girls enjoying all sorts of sex and not one mention of feelings. No wonder there is so much miscommunication. I would love some more thought and opinions on this as I am basically thinking this all out loud.

I am listening to Liz Phair's newest album "Somebody's Miracle" and I think it's solid.

Also downloaded some Kate Nash thanks to SO@24's last post.

I am going to dry my hair and put on lotion. Jump into bed with Bella and my newest library book by the awesome Jen Lancaster and then call T for a few "baby, i miss you *kiss kiss*" giggly annoying to anyone else phone calls and go to sleep.

Also, I forgot to introduce the love of my life, the wonderful Bella!!! I adopted her almost 2 Thanksgiving's ago from PetFinder. It's the best site for adoption because it helps you get the breed you want AND save a life. I drove 6 hours each way to the border of IL and KY to get her and it was the best thing I ever did. When I am on the computer she always jumps in between the chair and my back and squeezes herself in. Right now she has put herself to bed. Literally she goes and tucks herself in the bed and waits for me. If I take too long, she comes out to find me, gives me a look and then jumps back under the covers. Cute times a million.

But I can't be late 'Cause then I guess I just won't get paid

I think that I need to make a mix for driving specifically on Monday mornings. Definitely "Manic Monay" and "Monday Monday" (poor mama cass :( stupid 'ham/drug sandwich) would be absolute essentials. Should I google all songs that contain "monday" in it? Then I would be my mom, who has an awesome cd of all songs that contain the word "Marie" in it. I am partial to Elvis's "(Marie's the name of) His latest Flame". Anyways, it is my second to last Monday of work. I woke up late and left about 15 minutes late. Called in and drove leisurely in. Remembered to grab the frozen grapes out of the fridge. I know popsicles are awesome but grapes are a much easier snack.

Work work work. Blah blah blah. Did some real work but also applied for jobs. Thank god my work doesn't block craigslist, although really, how can you NOT block a site with "erotic services" and then block blogspot or wordpress? bizarre. Good to know I can order an escort for 100 "roses" but can't check out a cooking blog or something. Le sigh. Only a week and a day left.

Does anyone have any random sites that their work blocks? I swear mine even blocks LOLCats. Thank god for Cute Overload and the Daily Puppy.

I am missing T sooooo much. He should be back here in 2 weeks or so. I am actually surprised how much I miss him. I honestly haven't felt this way since my first bf, J (back when I was a just turned 16 badass catholic school girl lol). T gives me butterflies in my stomach. Just thinking about him makes me smile. I love going out to dinner with him or driving around or cuddling in bed. I love that when I drive he kisses my shoulder randomly and that he won't drive if he doesn't have his license even if it is only for 2 minutes. I miss just sitting with him. Sitting on the steps, between his legs, leaning against him, just talking and staring at they sky, it was such a content feeling. Sometimes I think happiness is just being with the right person at the right time and not wanting to be anywhere else.

I have joined sparkpeople to see if it will help me lose some weight. I am excited to have time off and am going to make it my goal to work out at least 30mins a day. Carbs are my enemy!!

E called me and wants to come back from Israel early. I am trying not to think about it. Mixed emotions. Many.

I found my debit card thank god. I lost it about 2 weeks ago and kept putting off calling it in stolen and finally decided to call the last place i used it and they had it!! woot woot. Also found my ipod at a friends house. Today wasn't so bad after all. Except for eating good all day until I got the McDonalds chicken nuggets. Boo. But still.

Shower and time to read more of Belle De Jour's first book and cuddle with Bella in bed.