Trouble will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm wanna cry in the morn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control

depression is sneaky. it comes so quietly you don't even know it's there until you're looking around your dirty apartment, sink full of dishes, laundry not done, homework isn't even close to being finished, and your dogs are looking at you begging to go out. its spending money you know you don't have on food you shouldn't be eating. its not answering calls from your mom and dad and best friend. it's having people judge you for all your decisions and who you hang out with. it's making the same mistakes. its being self destructive and not knowing how to stop. its putting on a happy 'i don't care/laugh at everything/life is all fun' face when you think you're going to cry any second. its talking only about boys and sex and anything that is as far away from whats really going on. it's the feeling of failure at letting yourself feel like this again and the 'why can't i be stronger this time'.


depression is familiar in the way the extra 5 lbs on a scale are and it comes a lot faster then it goes away. it mean and its hurtful and its tricky. it knows that by hurting people you love it will make everything even worse and that's what it feeds on. it keeps you in bed when you want to be outside. it is a cliche commercial for medication. its crying for no reason. its crying for very good reasons. its feeling lonely even when im surrounded by friends. its not answering the phone because who really wants to hear about this. its trying to make the wrong piece. its being a failure and a loser and knowing this is why things don't go right. its a pity party for myself.

its being fat and gross and stupid and talking to much to the wrong people and making all my own problems and being a big stupid whiny baby and hating myself.

Trouble is a friend, but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down my road

He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I roll down the window, I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
Ahh...

How I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave
I try, oh oh I try

But he's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine

oh t mos

So I got my absolutely amazing v-day package from Tabitha at Probably Tabitha and it is absolutely amazing. I have been having a rough few weeks and the fact that she put so much thought into this package really cheered me up so much. I completely love everything inside it and Bella couldn't wait for her toy as you can see. I looked away and she snuck her toy before I could even take the tag off. I like how she acts like she has no idea how that got in front of her. Silly puppy loves that new toy. She also got some chew bones that shes obsessed with and I'm going to have to keep buying as she loves them. For myself, Tabitha got me the perfect candle holders and scented candles that completely go with my living room and look amazing on my new coffee table. As for the other goodies and candies and french manicure kit, I was amazed and my nails look great!

Thank you Tabitha SO much for such a lovely gift that made my week and really helped me get out of this fuck I've been in. Your card was so sweet and I love and appreciate what thought you put in. <3

******************************

My crush? Gone. Sad because having a crush is fun but it just wasn't to be. The more I know him the more of a friend he is and the less I like him in a want to occasionally kiss him way. So that's a let down.

School was something I basically was doing nothing (still doing well but just half assing it)  about but I finally am back on track and feeling good and will finish the semester strong. Things I love? Writing a modern philosphy paper that includes, vampires, edward cullen, gerard butler, descartes wearing sweatpants, bad hair dye jobs, just to name a few things and getting a good grade.

I desperately need to go tanning. I did go and get my eyebrows one for $4 in my nieghborhood with a face massage after which was amazing. I love my neighborhood.  They trimmed my bangs, did this thing for blackheads, and it was $14. I will be going back a lot more and I am going to a yelp review, which was how I found them in the first place.

I am currently obsessed with: How I Met Your Mother (I have been for months but still I can't get enough Marshall and Ted), cold grapes from the fridge, the new produce market I found, doing my own french nails (thanks tabitha!!), Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, thrift store books (i bought 47 this week), any kind of thrift store purchases, my 2 table from Target for the crazy sale price of $11 after tax, falling in love, friends, cooking (I made yummy stuffed peppers last night), and the smell of glade clean linen candles.

I really want to go to sleep but I'm waiting for laundry to dry. How exciting. I did manage to make myself a HIMYM ringtone and two Seinfeld ones so thats something. I also watched the new episode of Psych but really I am completely craving some new One Tree Hill. I am loving Mondays because of OTH and Life Unexpected. Sorry Gossip Girl but I don't miss you. To not continue with OTH is crazy because it has always been a solid show and the new Melrose Place sucks so get rid of it.

Okay so laundry and sleep and then cleaning tomorrow. I can't wait for my bed to hit the pillow...

the best of whats around

so here's another holiday that can never live up to its potential. much like new years eve, so many plans and at the end of it, it can be awesome but never as often as in our daydreams. this year i plan on some wine, chinese food, and the new disney movie "stastruck". don't judge me because you know you secretly still love all the silly disney channel originals. i just have no shame about it. i am working some and the wine and some clearance chocolate and bella make a pretty good valentines day for me. my family sent me some cards and i am loved, if not someone's 'special' love this year thats okay. 

last night elad was over and made a mix cd which was so old school but not nearly as old school as the tapes bianca taught me to make in high school. she made the best tapes and knew the trick of not pressing stop but pressing pause. so elads impromptu techno mix (seriously i felt like i was at the jersey shore and pauly d, the situation, vinny, and ronny were about to fight the beat and start hitting the floor until the beat came up) inspired me to create my own valentines day playlist. so, here you go!!

When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door

let my love open the door

preferably the version by steve carrell from "dan in real life" but the original by pete townsend works as well. sweet, simple, and just makes me smile.

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again 

the heart of the matter

i like the india arie version from the "sex and the city" soundtrack. a little sad but i like thinking about getting over the past and forgiveness and moving on. remember the good and just keep on keeping on. 

When you can wear what you feel
What do you wanna say?
Now love is a little number that you can wear each day

all dressed up in love

jennifer hudson sang this for sex and the city and i think it's a great upbeat song about getting out there and remember how amazing love is.

I want you to know that I feel bad for not making our dreams come true.
We had so many dreams, me and you.
I want you to know I love you.
You're my favorite thing from the past,
And all of those nights we spent together,
I never had such a blast....

leap of innocence

liz phair is probably my favorite singer/songwriter and i completely love this song. a little rock, a little soft, just a beautigul, simple, lyrics i love, and it just gives me a feeling a feeling thats more sweet than bittersweet. 

Once upon a time I was so restless in love
When things we're fine, I changed my mind just because
Now I see how wrong and reckless i've been
Each frog has a prince just waiting inside of him 

somebody's miracle

another liz phair song. i like this one because it reminds you that everyone is loved by someone and that sometimes you have to just give things a chance and take risks.

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you

that's the way i loved you

there are so many taylor swift songs to choose from but i love this one because really, who hasn't had that crazy tumultuous relationship that's too passionate to really work but you miss just the same   

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong 

angels

this robbie williams song was "the song" for my high school love. this was our romantic lets "make love" song. it was from the dawsons creek soundtrack, good lord.

Underneath Your Clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And all the things I deserve
For being such a good girl honey

underneath your clothes

oh shakira! i adored the album laundry service and while i like her all shewolf style, i loved this song about a good healthy love.

No one knows that you're so understanding
Even though my love is so demanding
Every time you look at me,
Then you'll know we'll both agree
That no other love could be 

i couldn't live without your love

an oldie and a good, petula clark sings this happy uplifting song about love and being together and lets face it, there are times when we're acting crazy that we wonder how the other person can be so understanding

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet   

haven't met you yet

from my last post its pretty clear i adore this song. enough said. 

 See, you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
And so can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the Best of What's Around

best of of whats around

dave matthews had it right with this one.

 

I'm pretty sure this is a better Valentines Day mix than Pauly D's...

Ke$ha, "Tik Tok"
Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire"
David Guetta, "Sexy B–"
Kid Cudi, "Memories"
Lady Gaga, "Bad Romance"
Britney Spears, "3"
David Guetta, "One Love"
Black Eyed Peas, "Imma Be"
Black Eyed Peas, "Meet Me Halfway"
Black Eyed Peas, "I Got a Feeling"

 

you don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I am SO excited to have finally found a vanity. My bedroom is very classic and and feminine and this was the perfect addition that I have been searching a few months for. It was on craigslist for $175, then $150 and I offered $100 and she took it AND gave me the mirror as well. It fits perfectly, is in perfect condition and looks great with the rest of my things. The mirror with my perfumes on it I bought for like $2 at the thrift store, the telephone was $5 there, the Marilyn picture was $1, and the flowered bowl was only 80 cents. I use it to hold my jewelry which are both decorative really since I don't wear jewelry except for 2 necklaces which I never take off but  the stuff I have looks nice in the dish and at least I have it in the open which may mean I swear it more. Not likely though. Bascially I'm really happy with how my room looks, it captures me nicely I think. All that's left is to find a tug and some curtains and maybe a few more decorative pillows.

On a completely different note I am no longer doing the nanny stuff which I am really happy about. If you know what, you know the story and that's that.

I hung out with McSwarthy Friday and it was pretty fanstastic. We were supposed to go see a movie but ended up talking for 3 hours over coffee, walking around the outdoor mall freezing (but smiling), going to the apple store, going to Macy's where I put my fav cologne on him (versace blue), and talking in my car. He texted me a few hours later and as a friend put it, i'm keeping myself delightfully surprised with him. I have finally started to enjoy things and not be a nervous spazz. But hey, the guy has seen me looking bad, good, spazzy, intelligent, funny, and drunk and is still around being my friend so that's something.

School is school is school. Last semester and some major senoritis.

Cooking with Elad and having dinner is fun. Dinners for one? Not as fun. Except for his snoring which I can hear from my bedroom when he sleeps on the sofa, things are good. Thew new job can be stressful at times for a few but overall I like it much better and I can do it while at home in my pjs, in bed, watching tv, playing xbox, etc. I can do it shopping too so I get to do what I love and make money.

I heard they changed the ending to "Dear John" which means I'll go see it since, if it ends like the book, I definitely would not have.

I am loving  "Life Unexpected" and of course "One Tree Hill". Sorry "Gossip Girl" but I just don't miss you.

I am pretty much obsessed with Michal Bublés "Haven't Met You Yet". 

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

baby, are we doing alright

so while talking to the bff last night we realized there are SO many shows they need to bring back. while there are a ton of new shows out there i love and watch and dvr and all that jazz, there are some shows that are in need of a come back.

• mtv's FANatic-because who wouldn't want to see some homolicious adorable 15yr old being gaga's biggest fan dressed like her? i know i would.
• vh1's rock n roll jeopardy. seriously mark mcgrath and cece deville owned that game. plus how fun would it be to watch celebrities do that. a show about thing i actually know the answers too. [well i actually kick a lot of regular jeopardy ass but still]
• mtv's undressed-so many people were on that show, so many random stuff was going on, and it was like skinimax for teens. the plots were riciulous but i loved it and didn't have to watch consistently to get it.
• hermans head-seriously what a funny show and they could make it really awesome now with  new technology and what not. 
• daria- because who didn't have a crush on trent? 

 and i somehow published this unfinished? ok?

i spent today watching lifetime movies. the plumber came and my dog was lazy and i wish i had an elliptical in my living room. i also rediscovered my love for suffrajett, a great band.


have you ever read a book and wanted to be in the book in a realistic way and not in the "lets get rid of bella and get with edward cullen ourselves and be a kick ass vamp and not a whiny baby" kind of way? i own the book "love the one you're with" and the character has such a good life. it makes me want to live in atlanta the way "smart women" makes me want to live in boulder and own a hot tub.


okay seriously why am i not in bed?

you're singing to me baby in my head right now

So bella got more things today because she is a spoiled puppy but I did buy a basket to put all her toys in which I'm sure will last all of 5 minutes. At least it will be easier to clean up. I am making myself going to bed at midnight so I'll be up by 7:30 and ready for school tomorrow. I have Logic II, Modern Philosophy, and Women Men and Social Change. Should be a good day as the first 2 classes are with a fav teacher and a bunch of good friends.

Stayed on track with food today. Did have the mini meatballs from Friday with some rice which wasn't good, the white rice but I measured it and did count it and was still in my calorie range so that's good. Tomorrow I'm finishing up signing up for classes to do yoga, pilates, and cardio at school.

I am pretty sure my neighbor thinks I'm a 14 year old girl with all the Hannah Montana music I have going on repeat for days. Well some Newsies/Fame/Glee soundtracks have been on too...

Okay so B and I decided that I will bring some Dunkin Donut munchkins to my first class tomorrow with a fav teach/friends. Checklist for school tomorrow...

class schedule/rooms? check.
notebook/pens? check.
planner? check.
parking sticker? check (well we don't need it for 2 weeks and you get them at school)
printed things? not yet but I'll do at school where it's included in the tuition
excitement? check!

Also, Big Love tonight? Totally has me re-excited for the series. I seriously heart HBO and all it's good shows and the new ones that will air this year. Can't wait for more True Blood even though I wish the Eric/Sookie storyline was more true to the books.

I showered/lotioned/face washed/brush teethed/turned all lights off so bed time!! Have a great week and Monday everyone. Even if it is a Monday, it's such a great reason to sing along to 'Manic Monday'.

don't give me that face, when you know i'm really down for the chase

So, after watching Iron Chef America where the secret ingredient was anything from the White House vegetable garden, I feel inspired.  I'm thinking about doing some research and heading to the gardening store (nursery?) and the dollar tree to start my own little garden. Fresh things taste good, its inexpensive, and it seems like something fun. I'm definitely adding this to my 101 in 1001. My Grandma has an absolutely amazing garden and the fruits and veggies from there are phenomenal. I have a big ledge in my kitchen window that would be perfect for it. Eating fresh is a good part of living healthy and that seems pretty fitting with the new routine I'm trying to take.

Speaking of being healthy, this week has been good and bad. Yes, I totally had Chinese food with my Dad and then went to Bakers Square with my bff and her husband where we had BLT's and a slice of pumpkin pie with ice cream. So yummy but not good for calories. I am going to take a positive out of the experience because even though I really didn't want to, I still logged everything and saw the calories. Okay so it wasn't as horrible as I thought but it wasn't great obviously. Last night I had a Shabbat dinner with friends and I honestly didn't even know how to start counting the calories. We had tilapia, chicken, meat bourekas, mini meat balls, egg salad, regular salad in a lemon juice and oil dressing, yum!), rice, challah, hummus, and a simple chocolate cake. A little wine and it was a wonderful meal. Today I ate considerable better thanks to my mom.

During the week I have a pretty busy schedule which can led to fast food, school snacks, and vending machines. Or it just leaves me ravenous and then I eat snacks with the kids I babysit and while delicious, a lot of them are extremely bad to eat (mac 'c cheese or bagels with cheese melted on top and mayonnaise) . Luckily I have the worlds best mom so she helps me out with eating healthy. She makes a bunch of the food on weekend that can last me 2 weeks or so. She makes the meals for me to eat everyday which are good, filling, and extremely healthy and balanced. Now, I can eat the same thing everyday so for me this is an ideal situation. She makes me a cup of brown rice, 1/2 cup of green peppers, and 1/2 a grilled boneless/skinless chicken breast, sometimes she uses 1/2 a hamburger for variety. It has fiber, protein, a good carb, and is portioned and healthy. I add in 2 tbsp of ranch (sometimes with hot sauce) or 4tbsp of fat free Italian dressing for taste. I have been known to add ketchup in a pinch or soy sauce. The meals are so good, I can microwave them in 2 minutes, and its a huge help to my budget. I snack on Zone bars during the day when I can't grab a meal. Zone bars are my absolute favorite nutritional bar. They taste yummy, have only 190 calories, 12g protien, 6g fat and 22g of carbs. They are good when I can't grab lunch because they fill me up for a few hours and seriously, are REALLY good. I have turned friends and even a teacher on to them. Costco is a great place to get them for a great price too.

I know that me talking about food isn't that exciting but it's good for me to know what I'm eating, why, and I think it's fun to share healthy things. I loved Steph's new blog, Luxe Skinny and really want to try the recipe she posted. I think it's awesome that other bloggers are looking to get healthy.  It is always easier with support which is a big reason why weight watchers work, the support. Well right now I don't have the time/money/I never got into WW but I love having the support of family and friends and bloggers! My first goal right now it to lose about 35lbs but the ultimate goal is to lose about 90lbs.

Steph also linked to this amazing blog, 344 Pounds where this guy named Tyler went from 344lbs to 216 so far and how he did it. He is amazing, inspirational, not to mention cute lol Really though, what an incredible journey that completely motivates and inspires me.

In other news, school starts Monday. I am actually really excited and actually a bit sad since it's my last semester and I will extremely miss the teachers there. My friends I can always see but I love being in the Philosophy department and all the fun we've had. This semester I want all A's so I am willing to work hard and meet my goals. On the fun side, there is a bar near my house and school that does Wednesday night pub trivia and some friends and I are going to start going. Plus a few of my friends and I share 2 or 3 classes so it's going to be a great last semester before I graduate.

Tomorrow is school supply shopping! I have always loved getting new notebooks and pens and whatnot so it's an exciting Target trip for me. I need to get one of those Pledge pet hair things to clean my sofas after Bella. I also need to pick up some more Weight Watcher bagels and some new candles.

Today has been an day of catching up on General Hospital, watching some Law and Order: SVU, cleaning up the apartment, and cuddling with Bella. If you're not my fb friend then you missed how adorable she looks in her winter outfit so here you go...find me a cuter winter dog.