It was always unnecessary.

i feel like i am becoming a bit negative. i have been complaining to the bff and my friends patrick and lior about an on going issue thats been kind of driving me crazy and you know what? even though in the issue i am not at fault, it does cause me to take a look at something.

me: is it mean to call someone average

Patrick: Would you like to be called average?

Mediocre?
me: if it was true?

Patrick: I think you do this all the time

You want to insult someone

So, what you do is say "I am okay with calling myself that name" so you can do it

me: probably

i think thats true

Patrick: But of course, calling yourself a name and having someone else call you it are entirely different

he really makes a good point. i mean, i guess i shouldn't be so judgemental. but i mean, i think while it might not be nice to say, it's very true. average means like most people. i know everyone strives to be the best but we all have different strengths and weaknesses. its like when every parent tells their kid they are the best on a team or the smartest kid in the class, that's just bullshit. the point is to not go around comparing yourself to other people and recognize your better at somethings then others.

i know i'm a bitch but seriously, i am crazy annoyed. i know i need to calm the fuck down because this thing is driving me crazy. if i had a veiny forehead that shit would be bulging. i was talking to my mom the other day and she pointed out that sometimes people can be controlling so subtly and so mock innocently you have to be careful. i was like 'fuck yeah'. i am just sick of being told to always go more than halfway. of dealing with people and having to be the mature one. to always have to be the one to make the solution. also, passive agressive people should make like lemmings and jump.

this is obviously a rant and i am not perfect but for 99% of my life, everyone knows where i stand. i know i have a strong personality and opinions. i know i can be outspoken. i also know i'm very nice and compassionate and i go out of my way to hurt a person.

being this annoyed is not good and some people do yoga or mediate or whatnot to relax. the truth is for me, i miss having a more open relationship with g-d. i just feel more at peace and relaxed when i am praying more and thinking about g-d more. so, along with my friend beth, we found a synagogue by us and are planning on attending. we are both interested in converting and learning hebrew.

i find a comfort and i feel at home in the jewish faith. i feel like all the signs all my life have been pointing with this way. whenever i am losing the motivation another sign comes along reaffirming my decision. i know that i will not meet the man i am going to marry until i follow the path of converting. it might sound silly but i feel it inside. i am not ready to be committed to the right man before i can work on my commitment to g-d and myself.

the thing is while i am pretty happy with myself there are always things i can become better at. i can always strive to be a kinder more giving and less judgmental person.

so. in short order. i need to figure out a solution about whats pissing me off. and not be scared to bring it up. and i need to get my priories straight. and i need to relax.

also. for a sore throat, drinking apple cider vinegar completely helps.

"Just because you're an atheist, that doesn't mean you wouldn't love for things to have reasons for why they are."
Jonathan Safran Foer
(Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

(thats for you so@24 )