Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Trouble will find you no matter where you go, oh oh
No matter if you're fast, no matter if you're slow, oh oh
The eye of the storm wanna cry in the morn, oh oh
You're fine for a while but you start to lose control
depression is sneaky. it comes so quietly you don't even know it's there until you're looking around your dirty apartment, sink full of dishes, laundry not done, homework isn't even close to being finished, and your dogs are looking at you begging to go out. its spending money you know you don't have on food you shouldn't be eating. its not answering calls from your mom and dad and best friend. it's having people judge you for all your decisions and who you hang out with. it's making the same mistakes. its being self destructive and not knowing how to stop. its putting on a happy 'i don't care/laugh at everything/life is all fun' face when you think you're going to cry any second. its talking only about boys and sex and anything that is as far away from whats really going on. it's the feeling of failure at letting yourself feel like this again and the 'why can't i be stronger this time'.

depression is familiar in the way the extra 5 lbs on a scale are and it comes a lot faster then it goes away. it mean and its hurtful and its tricky. it knows that by hurting people you love it will make everything even worse and that's what it feeds on. it keeps you in bed when you want to be outside. it is a cliche commercial for medication. its crying for no reason. its crying for very good reasons. its feeling lonely even when im surrounded by friends. its not answering the phone because who really wants to hear about this. its trying to make the wrong piece. its being a failure and a loser and knowing this is why things don't go right. its a pity party for myself.

its being fat and gross and stupid and talking to much to the wrong people and making all my own problems and being a big stupid whiny baby and hating myself.

Trouble is a friend, but trouble is a foe, oh oh
And no matter what I feed him he always seems to grow, oh oh
He sees what I see and he knows what I know, oh oh
So don't forget as you ease on down my road

He's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed if he takes you by the arm
I roll down the window, I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine

How I hate the way he makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave
I try, oh oh I try

But he's there in the dark, he's there in my heart
He waits in the wings, he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend, yeah trouble is a friend of mine


Charise said...

Oh Diva-ette! I know what you are feeling. I feel it nearly every day. It's like an open secret that no one seems to guess.

Anonymous said...

Reading your post was like reading a diary of my life for the past few months. My ex broke my heart and I oftentimes feel depression sneaking its way into my days...you can surround yourself with friends, food, and fill your social calendar but it will never undo your emotions.

I think a little bit of depression is healthy...it means we're real people who care and are compassionate. And if we can feel this bad, then there's hope that we can feel so good in the future.

Time is a bitch though, isn't it?!

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Oh wow, you really nailed it. This is right on the money, it's everything I do (or don't do) and how I feel as well. I hope you find a way to deal with it.. For me, it's trying to open up more about it and not being so angry at everyone.

steph anne said...

You're beautiful and it's okay to feel this way sometimes. I've had too many days of feeling like this. I'm finally making a change so I don't have to feel like this so often. XO!

LiLu said...

This is EXACTLY why I started In It To Gym It. I feel you, chica. I really do.

Imogen said...

It's really hard to tell people about this sort of thing. Sometimes you think you might be overreacting and you avoid the subject and it grows and grows inside you.

If you pluck up your courage and tell someone, things will get better.

Just my opinion