Monday, August 25, 2008

Are you my greatest love or disappointment in my life?

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Oh September, you love to bring me surprises. August is sunshine, popsicles, and tanning at the pool, then you come along and bring the end of summer. Crisp fall days, long sleeves, and lost loves. You sneak up on me and all of a sudden I am grabbing a sweatshirt and wondering where my heart is.

We have been doing this for 9 years and I think we need a break. When I was 16 and falling in love for the first time, I welcomed you. Your brisk nights gave Jordan the opportunity to share his hoody with me, starting a relationship that wouldn't end until I was 21. Every 28th I would either smile or cry and add another year to our anniversary. I finally stopped thinking of his blue eyes and lanky frame but you didn't stop thinking of me.

You sent me perhaps the most manipulative guy I have met ever met, calculating and cold. I spent 2 more years celebrating his birthday and dreading the demands it would bring. I always found you bittersweet, now you were something as feared as driving down a dark road with no streetlights and the needle on empty. I shivered with fear at the memories. What else could happen after that? What more could you have in store?

You brought a shaggy haired, skinny boy with the biggest brown puppy eyes who made me smile. He taught me to again love your cool breezes and sun warmed skin. I embraced days at the zoo, driving with the windows open, welcoming your breeze stinging my skin because it would mean cuddling under blankets and kissing for warmth. Piles of leaves to jump in, sharing coffee and donuts, I fell completely in love. You brought me a best friend, you brought me family. A lot has changed from last September to now. The shaggy haired boy and I have been through every test of a relationship and have been apart more then together. We ended up with different people and different countries. Laying in bed, our arms and legs have not been entwined the way they once were.

Late night phone calls, emails, gchats. Conversations full of sincerity and longing. Missing the person you can lay with, laugh, smile, cry, scream, and at the end they will hug you and let you be you. I was hysterical the other day, sobbing in the phone, a mess. His calming words, his understanding, wanting what's best for me.

When I pick him up from the airport next week, the most nostalgic month in my year, I don't know what will happen. September, what will you bring? I can't wait for the feel of his body, his hair, back, the long embrace. Knowing that if I need a place to sleep, a friend to laugh with, someone to scream, yell, give every emotion to, he is there. I am excited for him but scared for Tal.

What scares me...isn't this how I should feel about Tal and not my ex? It seems like the "can't live with him, can't live without him" is made for Tal and I. When he is here longer then 2 days I am glad he is going but as soon as he goes I miss him. I don't know if it is a language barrier but we have terrible communication. I have never been with someone where we just fight about everything. Sure we get it out in the open, fix it, and kiss and we aren't saying mean things. Just being honest but come on, all the time!! It wears me out. We have great times but I don't know. Maybe I feel this way because E came back into the picture. Don't get me wrong, I know E and I will not be getting back together. That is not going to happen. He isn't asking me for that and I have Tal but I guess I am scared at having to work so hard. The next few weeks will tell.

Also. School started. Northeastern. Parking didn't seem so bad, thank goodness! Tomorrow one class (but just this once and after its m-w-f) and then starting my nanny gig, yay!!

Wish me luck. Anyone want to send me a guy like SO@24? Thanks!


Maxie said...

if there is someone handing out good guys then I'll take one too while they're at it.

Jenn said...

Good luck with school :)

And if you figure out how to find a guy like SO@24, let me know :)

Chicago Girl said...

Ladies, I know a few but not my type. Sigh. But if I find any really good ones I am sending them your way!!

Jack Payne said...

What a nice touch of nostalgia. Miss the city since my last book, Six Hours Past Thursday, was set there. Now live in California, a far reach. You cover the heartbeat of Chicago nicely.

So@24 said...


Wow! Look at these comments! Are you guys reading the same blog I'm writing?? I'm a complete tool.

But thank you. And hey, Shiksappeal... anytime you're down for a spoon sesh in LA, look me up