Sunday, October 12, 2008

You don’t care how it hurts Until you lose the one you wanted

I love the smell of fall. Fall will always be a falling in love time for me. It’s a time of new beginnings and endless possibilities that you can practically breathe in. I love the crisp air and feeling the brisk air on my skin. Right now it doesn't feel like there's a lot to hope for but....that’s why I am hoping extra hard.

Tal is gone on Tuesday and while I wish I could say that everything will work out great and long distance I am not sure. Right now I am going to go with the "we are broken up" attitude and if he calls me great, and if not, well, it is what it is. That sounds great, right?

Add in the memory of one late night getting into the car, moonlight, and my hair falling half over my face, where he just stops, looks at me and says "you are so beautiful". Mix in sitting on the porch steps between his legs, my head against his chest and just...being. Don't forget the last time we made love where all of a sudden, in my head popped the thought, "thank you god for this man and this love and this moment". How about when I picked him up from the airport and I saw his beautiful smile and had the absolute best hug of my life or the first smile he ever gave me, a huge grin, asking me "didn't we go to high school together" which was extra funny because I went to an all girls high school and he made me burst out laughing. Not to mention that the dragon tattoo in the middle of his shoulders can bring a tear to my eye when I think of how soft his skin was as I used touch it, tracing the outline with my fingertips as we lay in bed.

I absolutely loved this boy. This man. I had a wall up for a while and after the big fight we had a month or 2 ago, I let it down. I completely let myself be open to the idea of long term and love and being with another Israeli and then....he had to go. Not by choice but life makes decisions for us sometimes I guess. So he is going back to permanently live in Israel and I am here. I would marry and have kids with him and now...I find myself nervous and quite impatient to see what this is all transitioning into. A part of me is very, whatever happens happens and a part of me is screaming, how can he let this go, how can i? Is it better to burn out then fade away? He says this is hard for him and that is he is serious about how much he loves me but hey, a few phone calls would be nice. I guess I will try the best I can to put it out of my mind and enjoy the rest of my life.

Actually, besides the broken heart I have some great news. I made an absolutely awesome friend at school who lives about 8 minutes from my apt and shares a million things in common with me. We hung out twice this weekend and have had a blast. She is seriously awesome. I judge this by the standard that I would actually let her meet B. If she can pass that, well that is the highest you get in my book.

Speaking of the lovely B who likes to call me while standing on San Fran corners looking adorable, I realize how awesome it is going to be planning a bachleorette, actually 2, parties for her. Yay, only a year away!! The countdown begins!

Among other good things, my soon to be roomie has ordered the mattress and will be moving in soon which I am pretty much ecstatic about. That is going to really help I think and is going to be fabulousity.

So. In conclusion.

Broken Heart + New Friend +BFF bestie love of my life B +new roomie + awesome grades=7/10.

I will take a nice solid B in life right now.

Well I am off to readsome more Meg Cabot and chillax while babysitting.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)


Jenn said...

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to with Tal. I really do think it's for the best though. LDRs are so difficult and if both people aren't 100% sure they want to be in one, you could spend more time upset than happy.

Knowing where you stand now will get easier. There will be little wondering and more enjoying life.

I'm happy you found a new friend and hell yeah for good grades! If it weren't for chemistry I could celebrate with you!

I'm looking forward to the move. I'm freaking out a bit because I don't want to pack. I'm hoping that all of my stuff will magically appear at your place :)

Jamie said...

Bs are good :)

I can't wait to meet you! Jenn and I have already been talking about visiting once you guys get settled!