Monday, October 20, 2008

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

I am scared that unlike the others before, he really will never have contact with me again.
That the last phone call was in fact, the last call. I know reality.

The guy left the country and hasn't called me since. Two weeks and not a phone call or email. He has seen a friend of mine who was in Israel at the same time. He is apparently doing well, working with motorcycles and riding, which is what he really loves. I saw pictures. He doesn't look unhappy and in fact, pretty happy.

I don't understand how you can live with someone and be the way he was and even tell the friend of ours that he loves me and then, nothing. This is just, I feel physically ill. I am trying to keep myself busy and distracted but I don't know what to do.

This is all just like, WTF? This guy was talking about kids and it fucking made me want to take out this stupid IUD and have kids and get married and live in a country where I don't know the damn language and just be with him and enjoy my life. This stupid guy who wanted to travel and try to come back to the US and to live and be with me and now I don't get a fucking phone call.

Unfucking believeable. I don't know people at all. I don't get how he can act like "thank you for eveything", thank you so much, i love you, seriously, and i want to thank you" and then, oops that's it. Cut off like Tori Spelling from Aaron Spelling's will. (i can still be funny...ha...*sigh*)

This is the kind of post break up sadness that involves lots of wine, Ben & Jerry's, and Mariah Carey's "Always be My Baby" on repeat.

Why the fuck would he be all "make sure you have my phone number, my sister's email, and you'll come visit and I'll show you my country". Don't say things you don't mean. What a fucking coward, apparently saying whatever he thought I wanted to hear but just basically doing it cause he knew once he was gone he was done. Thanks for being such a nice guy you douchebag.

How the hell could he ever talk shit about E or anyone else from my past? The few fights we had involved him not wanting be to be nice to people that hurt me. He was always mad and hated people who had hurt me (the ex bf's) and he is the worst of all.

I thought this years ago and it is still true, silence is the worst. Silence from someone you love and who you thought loved you is like a knife through the heart. It hurts when I breathe.

I want to go to Israel in December. Even if he doesn't talk to me. I have other people to visit but he is a huge part of it. Closure.

Have i mentioned i have the best friend who calls me for hours even though she is insanely busy with meetings and law school and her family visiting and also a huge test?

Added to that is my amazing new roomie who makes me happy to come home and is always cheerful and so fun. i am so glad to have her and already consider her a good friend. yay roomie, you are fabulous!!!

1 comment:

Andy said...

Hi! exactly don't remember how I came here, because it was a long time ag, you were still beginning, but as an FYi, just telling you I'm an addict!

Just added you to my reader!