Saturday, June 20, 2009

i'm on my knees looking for the answer

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.
leonard cohen

there is a path and i know i need to follow it. i know that i have to make it happen, take the steps, and everything will work out. i feel god has a plan for me and i need to help and i will end up where i need to be.

i read a story in chicken soup for the soul where a husband used to pray for his future wife and when he met a girl and was dating her, he found out she had done the same thing. i always loved that story and i have begun to pray for my future husband. i pray he is healthy and happy and whatever he is going through, to be okay.

i have homework from the rabbi and i am very excited. buy some books and meet with the chicago rabbinical counsel for evaluation. i am so blessed the rabbi is willing to help me since it is such a commitment.

i have 2 possible apartments to see and both are great so that is looking up.

i bought a gazillion awesome things at the thrift store. i took the kids to the thrift store and dollar store last week and they loved it. we had a fun week playing mini golf and bowling and arcades and just hanging out. tomorrow is the last game for the little girls 7 year old baseball team and then dairy queen afterward. paid to eat a blizzard? okay!

i have best friends. i have amazing people in my life and amazing family. i have to keep things in perspective which can be so hard at times. sometimes i just while and bitch, and yes, cry, because why does stupid elad have everything he wants and he is such a bad person with no consideration for anyone but himself. he has his gf here now, and a good job, and his apt with all my furniture, and he has friends and money to go out whenever he wants and can take a vacation to anywhere in the world and i am hauling ass to do work and school and cant go out due to time and money. it makes me feel 5 with all my whining but what can i do?

i vent to the people who love me and pep talk myself. i read sookie stackhouse novels (only 3 more left) and i take bella for midnight drives for ice cream. i play music loud and feel the breeze on my skin. i buy 90 cent salavation army shirts. i pray and talk to god. i make lists. i listen to leonard cohen. i can't wait for movies like this:
sunny and hot in chicago and i thank god for it all.

2 comments:

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

I'm glad to hear that your faith is helping you through rough times. I am not very religious but I have a general faith in life and do believe that things usually work themselves out for the best.

One of the things that really makes me feel good lately is driving with the windows down and the music loud ! It always works and puts a smile on my face :)

Andy said...

Hm. Now I have free time, I need an update. I really do.