Sunday, August 30, 2009

memories...

i was going through my old livejournals and whatnot and found what i had written in the last few years about some of the men in my life. i feel like its really important for me to remember how i felt and where i was so im reposting them...

New years Jan 4, 2005 at 1:23am
"i love your hair" is how it starts. some drinks and you feel so friendly and happy. how can you resist telling that tall boy with so much curly hair what you think? and when you kiss and he holds you, wow, so nice. but you leave, promising to be back and go off, seeing other boys and making new friends everywhere.

and then you go look all over and can't find him and when you do there's a big smile on both your faces and you kiss and stay together the whole night. the whole show no one gets near you because he makes sure and you feel safe. and when he asks if you want to share a room, you say yes. because your friends know him and you feel good and he has the most innocent face and best lips. so you take him home.

your best friend can't believe it, so worried and mad. but you let it happen anyways. you see something different in this guy. you know he won't do anything bad and you can't wait to kiss him alone. "did you enjoy the show?" you ask because you really want to know and he smiles and tells you "all i can remember is you, so yeah of course" and you blush because he drove 5 hours to see ths band and instead kissed you all night and doesnt even seem mad.

so he calls you "baby" and kisses you softly and says he can't understand why you think your eyes are boring. you tell each other all the important stuff and you don't care about the big news he tells you, you like him the same. he is happy and suprised you have so much in common. he can't stop touching you, his voice in awe when he tells you he loves how soft your skin is. he holds you close the whole night, making sure you have enough blanket and "are you thirsty" and does he breathing bother you? he tells you he hasn't slept well lately but with you its so easy and you believe him. why would those green eyes lie?

"you feel so good baby, this is amazing". his voice is soft and sincere and he looks you straight in the eye. hours seem like minutes and you have no idea what time it is and people call and all you do is lay in bed looking at each other. you keep trying to get up but kisses turn into more and then youre tired and falling asleep again.

when the sky turns dark again you realize you have to get up. so you shower and he lets you go under the hot water and you laugh and wash up. and he gels his hair and you pick out clothes, smiling and thinking how nice it is to be so comfortable. he loves your perfume and keep smelling you, saying you smell like candy and you laugh and let him kiss you.

he drives you to your friends, and he can tell youre giving him the fake smile, the one that says things are okay when all you want to do is cry or be hugged. and its only be 24 hours but he already knows your smiles and the way youre eyes glaze over when you start to cry. and he holds you and kisses and you say goodbye. but you don't exchange numbers, cause whats the point? he lives 5 hours away and when will he be back and theres just so much. so you leave.

and when you see him later that night, and he doess't know youre going to be there, youre scared and was this the same guy who fell asleep with his arms wrapped tight a few hours ago? he's sorry your best friend is mad and how much does another goodbye suck? and when everyone leave and he says he has to drive home and you kiss and he tells you long distance is no good, you almost believe him.

but you know better. your friends have taught you better. so when you find out he stayed the night and just didn't want to see you but "boy guys, she was good" and "no, don't show those pictures" (who gives drunks cameras anyways?)you are anything but suprised. you remember he telling you he wasn't like this and "i guess you don't believe me but it's true" and think, ha, i was right, i win. but your prize is a lonely bed and unkissed lips.

Oct 2, '04 12:05 AM
totally unexpected.
i'm still not sure what happened.
you couldn't look at me.
the timing was off but there are many months to come.
i couldn't stop laughing.
the cubs lost and you looked so cute.
your beard was softer then i thought.
we tried our best.
beautiful.


december 19, 2003
one day im going to be happy with someone. really happy. i dont know when but im hopeful. i have amazing friends and family, honestly a person couldnt ask for better people. but as much as they love me and i love them, being in love, cuddling, hugging, and all the feelings and things that go with love i cant even name, those are things i miss. to give a gift just because, to kiss them whenever, to fall asleep with them and wake up with them. i guess i havent met the person yet who's going to love me and worry and care about me, who wants me to be with them. but im 20. so i have a good while. and who knows, maybe i never will. but ill still enjoy life and be happy with all i do have.

[really, wow at this, a lot has changed for me and even though i don't have this i am content to wait which i dont think i was then as much as i wanted to be]

october 5 , 2003 ramblings
i miss you and you dont even know. what did you do all those months we were apart? when she was in your arms, did you wish it was me? did you call her beautiful and tell her you would never leave? and when she though you were coming back but you headed to my house, did you care how'd she feel? all the memeories you made i won't ever have a clue about. the things i did you wont ever know. and no. im not your girlfriend. i dont care about your next victim. but...

nothing is ever right except when i'm in your arms, lights off, skin against skin, just breathing, my head on your chest, listening to your beating heart (its the only way i know you have one) just when i fall asleep, your lips on mine. all i've ever asked for is what you are, but i'm starting to want more. and all you want is for me to hold in you in the dark. only i know your secrets.

when youre home, the lies will start and my heart will bleed, and i'd still give up anything for you. the day doesnt even matter. every night my phone will ring. your car already parked, you halfway to my bed. no matter what i'll hold you breathe again and remember who you are. that you never had to put on an act for me. that youre home. and that i know you better than the others could only dream of.

and no. im not pete. this skin is my own.

************************
totally random but i found bella a halloween costume today.
how adorable!!

4 comments:

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Oh wow Tiff .. these are beautiful and painful but they seem so truthful. I relate to the first one so much.. those green eyes are breaking my heart right now. Well, Rami's that is. Anyhow, here's to the better men to come, hopefully. Cheers darling ! xox A xox

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Hey, it's me again ! I love your blog and that "Memories" post is truly amazing and touching .. so, I gave you an AWARD on my blog !!

Carissa said...

thanks for sharing these! they were really intimate but really interesting to read to... I have definitely felt the way you describe, in one way or another. particularly the last two...

and bella's costume is so cute! she reminds me of the pup in Legally Blonde :) I need to get Hazel a costume soon! I didn't dress her up last year.

Andy said...

Wow. Going back on memory lane is always good. I loved these!