shoulda woulda

so i have been back in school for the past year and while i usually am paying attention, writing notes, and just general being awesome, i do let my my eyes wander. i see a lot of people and they obviously see me. there is usually one guy who catches my eyes a semester and usually i don't do much. well. there was one time my teacher thought it would be a good idea to set me up with a fellow student. turns out the hot scruffy ex army man well not very well endowed, had ex issues, and after we had sex never came back to class. maybe he's finally owning the coffee shop he always dreamed off...but i digress.

the point is, doesn't everybody has a crush or like or just find someone attractive that they see and who will never ever know? maybe the starbucks guy, a blogger, the library girl, the kid who sits next to you in class, a co-worker. someone you like and get giddy when they are near and you notice what they wear or if they cut their hair but you don't act. maybe you don't even tell someone you have the crush. youre best friend doesn't even know. maybe you just sit across them on your way to work everyday and sip your coffee and hope to make eye contact and quickly look down. maybe you smile or maybe they don't even know you exists.

because thats sort of what we feel right? we think they must not know we exist or be aware or they probably are seeing someone or a million other things that run through our heads and lessen our courage. maybe we think that if you talk to them in the beginning of class it won't work out and the how awkward would that be. that's what i usually think.

i mean, realistically, i could be someones secret little silly crush. you could be. maybe i make someones day or maybe someone was excited when i was nice to them [or what people call flirting, when bianca and i actually are nice and respectful and use good manners] that seems so unlikely, that i could make someones day or someone would be afraid to approach me or like me from afar but you never know. now sometimes it doesn't work out. sometimes we act on it and it ends bad but the point is they tried and they know. what if's are the worst. the shoulda woulda coulda's are no fun.

i just think how a smile can really make someones day. a kind word. talking to a stranger. its nice to just make human contact with people we have no obligations too and just act kind. to talk about nothing or everything and open up. the world is a big place and time is short and love is all we have to give. i was so lucky lucky to spend my birthday with people i love but when i sat with the people, everyone was from a completely different part of my life but they made me who i was. each one represented something in my past, my present, and my future. all the people started off as strangers but that first smile, that hi, that kind word and they were still in my life years later.

i guess i just like the idea that we can mean the world to some one and never know. that it may not make sense why someone likes another but there really is a person out there for everyone. love is all around us and we have to grab it, take it, and give it back to get more.

today i am going to smile more. smile at strangers instead of ducking my head when i walk past. i will smile and laugh and make sure that everytime i say my please and thank yous they'll be loud and clear. i will no longer be afraid to be rejected or ignored. i will embrace the world and if only one person smiles back out of a hundred, it will be worth it.