I'll never fall in love He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair

sometimes you want something and you go for it and you don't get it. and you surprise yourself with how okay that is. every time i do something i don't think i can do, i am really proud of myself. so things didn't go exactly the way i wanted to with the crush but they didn't go bad. and the point is i didn't fall apart or think it was something about me and i accepted the situation.

sure i ended up making and eating chocolate chip cookie dough in my pajamas while on the phone with bianca, listening to the fame soundtrack. but lets be honest, is this so different then any other night. exactly.

basically what happened was i got a text from the crush about he got a 94% on this paper i helped him with and how h had the motivation again to finish the semester strong. i was like well good you should be grateful with a wink and he said u know it and i was like well i dont but whatever and we ended up talking on the phone for an hour and a half.

things i learned? while he said he liked events he did go to my event because i was there and if i wasn;t there he wouldnt have gone. and he thinks im pretty and have style. pretty in guy code, i don't know what that means but it's nice and better then cute.

also. marriage has made that guy super gunshy and apparently does not want a woman in his life. BUT. there is a girl thats nothing but something but nothing which i of course am like 'oh so you're fucking her, gotcha' and he was like kinda embarrassed and said no but whatever. i told him it wasn't my business which it isn't. the fact is he doesn't have to explain anything to me. but we talked about a lot of things and cleared the air and to be honest? i am really glad to get to know him. i even told him, hey you're pretty to look at but i like getting to know you, not getting in your pants.

and i really have no filter from my brain to mouth.

i have the most ridiculous cough and sore throat. NOT fun.

i bought True Blood season one for 19.99 from amazon along with Psych seasons 1-3 for 12.99 each and Star Trek for 9 so thats a good thing.

my butt is smaller and more toned thanks to all the stairs i climb which is nice but i liked my butt big and round but cute is good too and it can never be small really. thank god its not big and flat.

new tattoo coming soon.

thanksgiving was good and fun and family filled.

seriously cough, GO AWAY!

i did see new moon at 12:01 last week with reserved seats via muvico so no standing in line and i loved it but can't wait for eclipse.

things i need to do? a zillion papers, school stuff, car check up, not be sick, book san fran tickets to see my b soon!

alright i took some tyenol pm so lets hope this kicks in.

also i love all comments but not sure how to reply, email? back on the blog? help?

dr jones, wake up now

Dear crush:

I try to tell you what I'm feeling
You just keep on staring at the ceiling
I try to figure out what you're after
But it's always such a disaster

Oh come on come on
Well you've been messing with my head
For oh so long now
Oh come on come on
Well you've been messing with my head
And it's oh so wrong now 

'messing with my head' by tinted windows

i hate mixed signals more than anything. i am getting them so much and i am just done. figure it out. or not. but i am not waiting around. and yes, you have the prettiest eyes and smile. and i love that you told your cousin about me and how we talk and hang out and can talk about anything. and i like that you make a point to let me know you're hanging out with family and not girls. but what.the.fuck do i need to know that for if you aren't interested. just decide to take a chance or not. i am only asking for a clear sign or some words or just kiss me you idiot. i don't want to have 10 million of your babies or even give you a drawer in my apartment or a toothbrush. i just want to know that there is something there. don't tell me you're going to the event i'm doing at school but then be all whatever about drinks with the group after. you're 36! hello. you've been married. straighten it out. i love that you are comfortable with  me and that we get along so well but come one, throw me a bone here. or just kiss me. that would work too.

Love

Me

people i wish i was friends with

Jason Morgan and Sonny Corinthos from "General Hospital"

Larry David

Nathan and Haley Scott from "One Tree Hill"

Brooke Davis from "One Tree Hill"

Everyone on "How I Met Your Mother"

Benson and Stabler from "Law & Order: SVU"

Kate Gosselin

(shut up! i absolutely love her which i will blog about this week)

Shaw and Gus from "Psych"

this post could alternately be titled: tv shows on my dvr

Some might take that for granted but certainly not me

[just fyi-i changed the name of this blog because i was wanted something new and i'm not really confessing anything. change is good so i also changed my layout.]

so. i mentioned a boy (really a man) a while back. and then i didn't say anything because really nothing was going on. and he was busy and i was annoyed and last week i just took the offer off the table. and literally said those words but in a nice tone. i mean school is kicking my ass bit and i know it is for him so i was like hey no pressure offers off and yeah.

then we did some papers together and i helped him out. and we talked. and talked again.
and then he sent me a text thursday. and then picked me up for a drink. and we talked more.
and then we talked for 2 hours friday.

and there is nothing going on besides talking. and talking. and smiling. and laughing. and getting to know each other. and it is amazing.

i know that its actually the normal and healthy way people should get to know each other but its new to me. i am just not attracted to anyone besides the guy in question. actually i'm pretty sick of most of the guys i know. whether they are deluding themselves or asking things of me which i am not willing to give or just be arrogant and idiotic, the lack of men is disappointing. and i refuse to have sex/be intimate/etc with someone who while everything might be perfect isn't willing to say how he feels. if he can't do that he isn't perfect and he isn't for me.

did i mention this mans eyes are a blue with clouds inside them. they are an unreal blue grey with so much expression. his skin is golden and warm. his body is lean and tight. his smile lights up his face. and mine.

while the man is great looking [read: swarthy, patrick dempseyish, italian/bolivian] his brain is what i like. and how he talks slow and makes me talk slow and i think about what i say and get it out of my brain in a way people understand. and how there is no awkward silence. how he makes sure i get to my car safe and holds doors open for me.


who knows what going to happen.
i am making a new friend.
i am learning patience.
i am smiling.
 
and when he texts me i get butterflies.