"Songs are as sad as the listener."

"I knew, in the silence that followed, that anything could happen here. It might be too late: again, I might have missed my chance. But I would at least know I tried, that I took my heart and extended my hand, whatever the outcome.
"Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?"
I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him."
Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

sometime i wish i had the chance to do that.

sometimes i open up the folder on my desktop that has his pictures. i can look at 1 or 2 but i tear up or it just hurts in my chest. i close it and sigh and put it out of my mind. i miss him and i feel like its inappropriate. he left me and has a girlfriend and lives halfway across the world. but woody allen and my mom say, "the heart wants what the heart wants".

sometimes i am so mad at myself for not working up to my potential. a phrase heard all my life. a phrase that is true. i am trying to correct it but it is hard work. i am proud of myself for not giving up when last year i would have easily withdrawn, or not even that, just taken the f's and stop going to class. i am getting good grades and while there are somethings i am behind on, i have kept up communication with my teachers and they are supporting me.

sometimes i fall asleep with the lights on and jeans on and wake up to the tv but when i see bella next to me, i just turn the lights and tv off, kick off my jeans, and fall asleep feeling loved.

sometimes, most of the time, all the time, i really believe everyone just wants to be loved. to wake up in the middle of the night and know if you had a bad dream there is a warm body who will tell you they love you and hold you. they'll do it unconsciously because even when they are asleep their love for you is so strong and deep and even their subconscious knows how strong and permanently they love you.

sometimes i know that all i need is this...if you need some, take it.
there's enough to go around.

hello blog, are you there? it's me, tiffany

sometimes the internet and i need some time apart.

sometimes i'm like "internet, you're too needy and i need some space"
and it's all "baby i miss you, come check out all the awesome blogs and terrible eharmony matches and perez"
and i'm all "i know honey but i need some time, i have to work to keep you in the style you're accustomed" and then we take a break for a while.

but the internet has been awfully sweet lately so i decided to kiss and make up. what can i say? when it's right, it's right.

i worked about 60 hours last week. 16 which were training and unpaid. but still i made about %700 which is good for babysitting. also considering i'm not going to be working for 2 weeks when the kids i babysit go to israel.

• i bought some hot high heels for $12 on sale
• bought 2 cute bras for $8 from Rampage
• watched and loved Race to Witch Mountain
• got my $50 gift card from Chase Bank
• my ex went to Columbia for 9 days. wtf?
• his stupid friend decided to shave bella. don't get me started on how mad i am.
• my mom talked to me about possibly buying a condo.
• went to the kohl's children museum and met my new fake bf

please notice how he works with kids and doesn't seem annoyed. how he wears the kid size apron. how adorable he is. sigh. a hot man who works with kids? sigh. perfect!

omg look at this! top model stuff at walmart. so going to buy some.

also planning on littlest pet shop for the DS. don't judge me.

target run today. make up. ds game.

work tonight.

next week i should be blogging more and talking about all my fuzzy feelings and life. oh boy.

what puts a smile on my face

I've been roaming around
Always looking down
And all I see
Painted faces
Fill the places
I can't reach

You know
That I could
Use somebody
You know
That I could
Use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know
And how you speak
Countless lovers
Under cover
Of the street

i do NOT have a problem.
not with target or with rpattz.

i am going to babysit in 30 mins.
i have worked everyday for like 2 weeks.
i cant wait for the new hills season.
i cant wait for 17 again. shut up!
you love zac efron too.


there's probably a lot more going on but no time.
andy-im' glad you're feeling better and good luck with school acceptances!!!

later!

now or never

my weeks are never boring.

saturday morning i did this to my hair.thanks to everyone who left me facebook comments.saturday evening
Amazing Nintendo DS party thrown by the roomie and jamie.
champagne. sushi. brownies. fancy water.
FREE DS.
Brain Age score of 30 on my first try!
I met the amazing rachel and renee!

i pretty much think they are the best things since girls stopped wearing pads and started wearing tampons.
yeah i said it.
but seriously i think they are the best things ever.
i am totally going to try to get in on one of their suburban meet ups!

Sunday
what the hell did i do? oh right.
jenn and i went to target and best buy and discovery.
my mom brought me food for the week.
i eat chicken, brown ricr, and green peppers for all my dinners.
healthy and i love it.
babysat.
took 3 kids to the park.
2 baseball bats. 2 helmets. hats. water. tons of balls.
ended up putting one bike in the backseat of my 2door civic. yeah.

Monday
wrote a paper. took a quiz.
my fake bf/crush told me my hair looked nice.
called the rabbi for a meeting after passover.
made a job appt for a part time gig.
went to litals. got ready for job with tj there.
went to interview and got job.
training this weekend.
went back to litals.
tj walked me to my car.
home.

Today
tired.
tired.
teased my hair. hot.
LOVED the 70's weather.
drove along singing to songs like "faith" and "silly love songs"
had my environment class outside.
was fully sassy.
fun lunch where people used my phone to call my bff and left her a voice mail of us talking.
was talking shit about the exs gf.
accidentally called the ex during this.
oops.
hung out outside with the kids.
i made us an awesome fruit salad.
strawberries. grapes. blackberries. bananas. clementines. apples.
enjoyed the weather.
GG!!!
omg blair.
omg chuck bass.
OTH!!
omg julian. omg brooke.
haley do NOT go on the road!!!

right now
study for earth science
change into pjs
is someone calling me?
a text.
am i too lazy to get up?
yes.
drinking cool water.
realizing i like being single.

dear me

From TwentySomethingWriters

If you were able to communicate with your younger self, what would you say? Would you warn yourself of the things that are to come? Would you tell yourself to avoid certain people? Write a letter to yourself at a younger age. Feel free to tell yourself anything that you’d like to. Let us know what age of yourself you are writing to.

Dear Tiffany (at any age):

everything you do will make a difference in your life. if you don't do it, it will matter too. life is funny and trust me, you don't know what is going to be good or bad for you until long after the fact. regrets are a waste of time and you don't have any. mistakes were meant to be made. don't feel bad. i could tell you about people to avoid, people to be better friends with, people to definitely not sleep with or trust but then i wouldn't be me and you wouldn't be you and what would be the point?

all i can tell you is don't worry because you will end up happy and nowhere near where you thought. to be honest i don't know if you ever had dreams beyond thinking you would finish college in four years. the great thing is now you definitely have dreams. you have goals and plans and you want to see the world. you have fallen in love a few times and you still have the very best friend in the whole world.

you have never lost the ability to smile or laugh. you talk a ton and i'm glad that hasn't changed.

no matter what you do (and i know everything) i am behind you 100%.

i love you.that's really all you need to know.

xoxo

tiffany

first off, my mom is awesome. 26 is the new 21?
where does she get this stuff?
seriously, she is adorable.
feel free to notice i care when twilight comes out and also when i get to meet a rabbi.
next, who wants to write some papers for me?
also enjoy my 2 tickets from Bulls games this year and a picture of bella.
i keep it real yo.

why the heck isn't there a movie based on the Archie comics? seriously they do so many remakes of remakes and now they're doing a gazillion comic books movies. they even did a josie and the pussycats which i totally loved and used to drive around with bianca singing the whole soundtrack. dont hate.
but no archie? betty and veronica? jughead? moose? reggie?
you hear me hollywood? get on on this ASAP.
also please make a movie of ender's game and don't ruin it.
i will shank you if you do.
okay i don't have a shank
but
i bet if i go see madea goes to jail i could learn how to make one.
does anyone want to see that movie with me? please?

we watched a video today about gay marriage called "tying the knot"
it made me cry in class and just gets me so upset at people.
how families who don't accept their gay relatives will still go after their estate if they die.
or even some families that do accept gay relationships who will turn and change their mind when money is involved.
how a judge once said that g-d made the races separate and put different colored people on different continents to keep them separate.
the story of sam being kicked out of his house which he had out money into because it wasn't in his name and who now lives in shack that his deceased partners family is trying to sue for.
it just makes me sick.
i love my family and i hope that when my dad decides to make another commitment he can do it legally. i want him to have the same rights i have.

sigh.
i really hope obama changes this.
if he can life the ban on stem cell and piss off the religious conservatives,
just get rid of DOMA and do the right thing.
i think if politicians didn't worry about relection and worried about actual change, so many things would be different. if the DOMA issue had come up after Clinton's reelection I dont think it would have gone through.
for anyone that has been discriminated against, how can they do the same to others. when i see black preachers condemning it, do they care that the same people who support them now, 50 years ago thought interracial marriage was wrong? how can they side with the people who wanted to condemn them?

things don't make sense.

"Frieda's father had told her most people had secret lives, but usually they were secrets no one wanted to know"

i feel like there's a lot going on and at the same time nothing at all.

i'm really excited because i went to the bookstore last week and got 2 new books. but it was actually a Jewish bookstore in a heavily Jewish area. the kind that closes for shabbat and you see the men in black suits and long beards walking to the synagogue. my friend izzy was in the neighborhood so he walked over and help me choose Living a Jewish Life and a book for learning Hebrew, The First Hebrew Primer. i also got invited by the family i work with to celebrate Purim with them so thats really exciting. i've been on a baking spree so maybe i'll try and make some hamentashen. also I have been talking to a really nice orthodox lady via facebook and am going to call her this week and maybe do a shabbat with her soon. maybe this week i will attempt to make a challah. i am pretty proud of myself for doing this. i also emailed the chabad rabbi and will be calling him next week after Purim. I feel like this is the right path for me and am very excited to finally be more active about it. oh, i also checked out from the library "Becoming a Jew" and "To Pray as a Jew" and "The Living Torah"

i have a few papers due and some quizzes so i need to keep on keeping on with school. i get to register for summer school on monday so that's exciting. i hope they let me take 5 classes. or 6 even. i am trying hard but i know i can put forth more effort. spring break isn't until the last week of march so i have some time.

my best fridays night have been spent with bianca. i don't care that we live thousands of miles apart. gchats. youtube. music. target. the most fun i have is conversations with her and random adventures. love you b!! feel better!! everyone wish her good wishes cause shes sick :(

in other news. i will update and pass out awards tomorrow and whatnot.

it doesn't stab my heart when i think about him. i think about him less often. i don't know if i'm happy or sad.

Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.
Swingers



sigh.

“Your body is a temple, and sometimes my temple wants cheesecake,”

it's back!!!
cycle 12 of the best show ever...or at least my most favorite to watch.
america's next top model!!!!

i was all sad face yesterday [now 2 days ago, sigh, i need to finish my posts] because i realized i had forgotten to set the dvr. a text to the roomie revealed she wouldn't be home in time to set it and i was babysitting til 11. whats a girl to do? get a 7 year old to watch it with me of course.

so i watched my beloved ANTM. the girls above me are my fav girls.

allison is al bug eyed and creepy/adorable with a love for blood and nose bleeds and whatnot. totally awkward without the marjorie shakes. aminat is just, fierce. when she wears jeans and a tshirt and walks, wow she screams model. kortnie is "plus sized" gorgeous, likes cheesecake, and once dated my nascaar crush dale earnhardt jr. [what, hes a hottie?]. fo has the most adorable freckles ever and calls herself blaxican and is adorable and going to struggle some i think but ultimately do well. there is a total bitch on the show but i won't even mention the pushes people when she gets called- bed stealing- walks half the runway bitch. UGH!

I have to go be a nanny but I will post tonight about. I have to thank the lovely Andy for an award and talk a bunch of other things!

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

i am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. when it doubt, i turn to my mom. she is encouraging and lovely and she keeps me motivated. she is definitely where i get my positivity from. i read that book The Ten Best Days of my Life- Adena Halpern and it obviously got me thinking about the ten best days of my life. and then thinking about that got me thinking about my mom. i definitely remember one of the best 10 days of my life.

here we go.

so i was 17 and a junior at an all girls high school. due to public school friends i thankfully knew boys. i was even lucky enough to have a steady bf that a lot of girls envied. he was a great bf but after a few months i learned he could really be a jerk. not the kind of jerk that screams or yells but the even worse kind. the one that gives you the silent treatment. that to me completely sucks. seriously, i would much rather have someone yell and be pissed then ignore me.

so anyways i found out via email he was cheating on me with some skank who wore a purple thong. seriously wtf? some 15 hoochie went after him and he let her. so after all this i was feeling like shit. i talked to my mom and she knew i was feeling awful. i was having a horrible time of it. crying, couldn't eat or sleep awful time of it.

what's a mom to do?

she let me take the day off and she did too. she ordered us chinese and we cuddled and watch lifetime movies. she knew i was feeling pretty useless and unwanted and she made me feel important. she made me feel loved. we seriously just watched lifetime movies and hung out but i knew how much my mom loved me and no matter what she would always take care of me. and she has. so that day makes one of the best of my life. at the time i was so sad because of the jerk bf but my mom and her love have made it into a beautiful memory.

what is one of your best days?

[oh. i made yummy cookies this week. spent too much money. decided the gym is a must. handed over all my money to my mom to budget me like i'm 12. got a 95% on a paper. bought a ton of books supercheap from the library for sale section. hung out with roomie. had the best 3 hours convo on friday morning with bianca. got a book to learn hebrew and started. dl some duffy. started to cross items off my to do list. found out i have a bunch more. keep wanting to adopt another dog. missed you. when don't i?]

"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary."

Margaret Atwood