memories...

i was going through my old livejournals and whatnot and found what i had written in the last few years about some of the men in my life. i feel like its really important for me to remember how i felt and where i was so im reposting them...

New years Jan 4, 2005 at 1:23am

"i love your hair" is how it starts. some drinks and you feel so friendly and happy. how can you resist telling that tall boy with so much curly hair what you think? and when you kiss and he holds you, wow, so nice. but you leave, promising to be back and go off, seeing other boys and making new friends everywhere.

and then you go look all over and can't find him and when you do there's a big smile on both your faces and you kiss and stay together the whole night. the whole show no one gets near you because he makes sure and you feel safe. and when he asks if you want to share a room, you say yes. because your friends know him and you feel good and he has the most innocent face and best lips. so you take him home.

your best friend can't believe it, so worried and mad. but you let it happen anyways. you see something different in this guy. you know he won't do anything bad and you can't wait to kiss him alone. "did you enjoy the show?" you ask because you really want to know and he smiles and tells you "all i can remember is you, so yeah of course" and you blush because he drove 5 hours to see ths band and instead kissed you all night and doesnt even seem mad.

so he calls you "baby" and kisses you softly and says he can't understand why you think your eyes are boring. you tell each other all the important stuff and you don't care about the big news he tells you, you like him the same. he is happy and suprised you have so much in common. he can't stop touching you, his voice in awe when he tells you he loves how soft your skin is. he holds you close the whole night, making sure you have enough blanket and "are you thirsty" and does he breathing bother you? he tells you he hasn't slept well lately but with you its so easy and you believe him. why would those green eyes lie?

"you feel so good baby, this is amazing". his voice is soft and sincere and he looks you straight in the eye. hours seem like minutes and you have no idea what time it is and people call and all you do is lay in bed looking at each other. you keep trying to get up but kisses turn into more and then youre tired and falling asleep again.

when the sky turns dark again you realize you have to get up. so you shower and he lets you go under the hot water and you laugh and wash up. and he gels his hair and you pick out clothes, smiling and thinking how nice it is to be so comfortable. he loves your perfume and keep smelling you, saying you smell like candy and you laugh and let him kiss you.

he drives you to your friends, and he can tell youre giving him the fake smile, the one that says things are okay when all you want to do is cry or be hugged. and its only be 24 hours but he already knows your smiles and the way youre eyes glaze over when you start to cry. and he holds you and kisses and you say goodbye. but you don't exchange numbers, cause whats the point? he lives 5 hours away and when will he be back and theres just so much. so you leave.

and when you see him later that night, and he doess't know youre going to be there, youre scared and was this the same guy who fell asleep with his arms wrapped tight a few hours ago? he's sorry your best friend is mad and how much does another goodbye suck? and when everyone leave and he says he has to drive home and you kiss and he tells you long distance is no good, you almost believe him.

but you know better. your friends have taught you better. so when you find out he stayed the night and just didn't want to see you but "boy guys, she was good" and "no, don't show those pictures" (who gives drunks cameras anyways?)you are anything but suprised. you remember he telling you he wasn't like this and "i guess you don't believe me but it's true" and think, ha, i was right, i win. but your prize is a lonely bed and unkissed lips.

Oct 2, '04 12:05 AM

totally unexpected.
i'm still not sure what happened.
you couldn't look at me.
the timing was off but there are many months to come.
i couldn't stop laughing.
the cubs lost and you looked so cute.
your beard was softer then i thought.
we tried our best.
beautiful.

december 19, 2003
one day im going to be happy with someone. really happy. i dont know when but im hopeful. i have amazing friends and family, honestly a person couldnt ask for better people. but as much as they love me and i love them, being in love, cuddling, hugging, and all the feelings and things that go with love i cant even name, those are things i miss. to give a gift just because, to kiss them whenever, to fall asleep with them and wake up with them. i guess i havent met the person yet who's going to love me and worry and care about me, who wants me to be with them. but im 20. so i have a good while. and who knows, maybe i never will. but ill still enjoy life and be happy with all i do have.

[really, wow at this, a lot has changed for me and even though i don't have this i am content to wait which i dont think i was then as much as i wanted to be]

october 5 , 2003 ramblings
i miss you and you dont even know. what did you do all those months we were apart? when she was in your arms, did you wish it was me? did you call her beautiful and tell her you would never leave? and when she though you were coming back but you headed to my house, did you care how'd she feel? all the memeories you made i won't ever have a clue about. the things i did you wont ever know. and no. im not your girlfriend. i dont care about your next victim. but...

nothing is ever right except when i'm in your arms, lights off, skin against skin, just breathing, my head on your chest, listening to your beating heart (its the only way i know you have one) just when i fall asleep, your lips on mine. all i've ever asked for is what you are, but i'm starting to want more. and all you want is for me to hold in you in the dark. only i know your secrets.

when youre home, the lies will start and my heart will bleed, and i'd still give up anything for you. the day doesnt even matter. every night my phone will ring. your car already parked, you halfway to my bed. no matter what i'll hold you breathe again and remember who you are. that you never had to put on an act for me. that youre home. and that i know you better than the others could only dream of.

and no. im not pete. this skin is my own.

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totally random but i found bella a halloween costume today.
how adorable!!

she wolf

i need to.......

buy a ticket to san fran
go tanning
buy school books
buy a wedding gift
buy a bridal shower gift
buy glasses
buy a strapless for the bridesmaid dress
buy new pens for lists to write in the new franklin covey planner i need to buy
make a hair and nail appointment before san fran so i dont have roots or scraggly nails
buy jewelry for the dress



i need to buy a lot of things and also make the money to buy these things.

i just went to a brit, school starts monday, i have a bar mitvah next sunday, i'm out of town the next weekend, and then its biancas wedding!! and then i move!! so its going to be busy with 6 classes, a big list of things to do, a long drive to and from home but i dont even care. i need to fill out applications and look at schools for next year and start with the Rabbi and it feels SO good to be busy and accomplishing. im off to read some more library books and cuddle with bella and take out my contacts finally!!

because i have free time

so i went to the thrift store on saturday with my friend charise and had an awesome time. we tried a ton of stuff on, laughed a lot, i bought an outfit a la mrs roeper from 3's company and some old lady glasses and a 70s style wine cup which will totally become a halloween outfit thankyouverymuch. i got super tired after a while and was totally lounging around in the store. charise got a bunch of amazing dresses and pants and we got books and i got a bundt cake pan. good times!! the best things i got were the Sarah Jessica Parker Blazer from her Bitten Collection, brand new with tag still attached! its comfy and stylish and totally makes me excited for fall [sorry mandy ;)] the j crew scarf is fabulous and also new!! i LOVE the argye on in! the other scarf i also totally like and plan to wear a ton. the 2 leather clutches are fabulous and so cheap and i cant wait to use. the moccasins are from target but for 3.48 thats an awesome price. i also picked up a private hotel for gentle ladies which i finished and really liked. i got a copy of the secret life of bees which i read a few months ago and recommend.

this leads me to what else i did this weekend....the library!
i have mentioned my current obsession with lisa kleypas and i got quite a few of her books after a lengthy search with the librarian. i also picked up the charlaine harris books that have some sookie/sookieverse short stories which might tide me over til more true blood/a new sookie book. i picked up some books on kabalah as well and a few collections of fiction short stories. thats a new section in the library i'm loving. they're actually from the non fiction section but the anthologies are great and theres one on love i'm going to read next.

also at the library i had a creepy incidental with a man from match.com which i was on OVER A YEAR AGO!! this crazy dude kepy messaging me there and i blocked him. then one day im at the library and he starts saying i look familiar yada yada and gives me his name/age/etc. im like whatever but when i go home i realized he was the match.com freak AND he gave me a different age. so i just said whatever eww and that was that. cut to this weekend when i'm in the mystery section and hear someone say 'tiffany'. i obviously look and say 'yes' and then see some guy. it takes me a second and i realize its the same creep and i say " OH NO no no no" and just walked away. i thought maybe it was rude but then i was like hell no im being safe, right? i mean what would you guys do?? ugh!!

also i have decided to go on weight watchers to help me get back on track and manage my weight and get to a heather point. to be honest, i like how i look enough and am happy. i would like to be healthier and i know its just easier to be a lighter weight. i am NEVER going to be a size 2, 4, or maybe a six. but i want to be more active. i LOVE my curves, my ass, my breasts, my shape. I love my face, my hair, my skin. Am I always happy? No one is. Not even supermodels who get airbrushed but thats okay. Who i am is not my weight but it is a part of me, does that make sense? I am not going to get myself all pumped up and psyched to fizzle out after some over extending work out plan. I am going to ease in with weight watchers so I can hold my self accountable, actually utilize my iphone for food tracking, and maybe figure out a workout routine after i get into my school schedule. right now my current my thing is weight watcher mint choc chip ice cream (2 points) mixed with their chocolate cake (1 point) because its SO satisfying and a much healthier alternative.

my downfall is late night eating mixed with being a nanny with kids who LOVE carbs which are my mortal enemy. mac and cheese and pasta and pizza all the time. ugh!! but i will work it out a la high school musical 2 style *cue music and zac efron dancing*.

i am beautiful and i feel beautiful and i am me and thats that. confidence is sexy. and i am sexy. and we all are.

oh! i sent my conversion application in. wish me luck!

it was a drive by fruiting

first off, why am i wearing a polo, jeans with the cuffs rolled up, and moccasins? can we talk about that for a second? yeah. i think its because i didn't want to wear flip flops due to rain and then didn't want to wear a tank top but also didnt feel like my hoody and apparently i prepped myself out. i am currently not loving it, though honestly it doesn't look bad. it's just really not me ya know? so i brought along one of my fav john lennon tshirts from target and am thinking about putting it on. [actually i was going to write donning it but that seemed lame so....]

i am also going to admit that i LOVE some Lisa Kleypas romance novels. if people asked me what i liked to read last year, the answer would have been "anything but historical novels" but now i am a fan of the bodice ripping, manhood throbbing, books. Lisa Kelpyas is my favorite because she had a lot of characters make cameos, makes her own world, and just writes a great story. Are they the best novels ever written? No. Are they enjoyable, fun, a good read, and worth it? Yes. I recommend Worth Any Price and the rest of the Bow Street Runners trilogy then The Hathaway series and well, you'll see where they take you.

Also, other books i REALLY recommend.

Smart Women by Judy Blume
These is about 2 woman in the 80s in Boulder, Co. It makes me want to move to Boulder. It also makes me not be scared of getting older and makes me look at my life now. I love Judy Blume and this book really makes looking at life and love and friendship in an honest way. I reread it all the time.

Summer Sister by Judy Blume
This book is just sad and happy and gives you a really intimate look at best friends. @ girls growing up from the 70's when they're 12 to their 30th birthdays is special, thoughtful, you'll cry and laugh and see yourselves in the characters.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

"I feel too much. That's what's going on." "Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel the wrong ways? "My insides don't much up with my outsides." "Do anyone's inside and outsides match up?" "I don't know. I'm only me." "Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside." "But it's worse for me." "I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him." "Probably. But it really is worse for me."

Probably one of my favorite books ever, if not the most favorite. It make me weep, literally. The story of Oskar is beautiful. It is a beautiful book and when you can say that about a book with September 11th, that's something. I read it when it came out in 2005 and I can honestly spend all day quoting it. This is my number book everyone should read.

It makes me want to tattoo this on my side "You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

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On a different note 2 of my friends [separately] came back from Israel today. One brought me a shirt which I have yet to see and the other brought me a wonderful silver hamsa necklace and a beautiful pray key chain. I was happy to hear from them and know they got here safely. Belated bday gifts are just an added bonus. Mayan knows me well since the necklace is exactly what I wanted. I saw him and we played the New Call of Duty where I got beat very very badly but I haven't played xbox in forever sooo.

I have been twittering more as of late. I have had some faith restored in the whole 20sb and bloggers in general by a response to a post that was very varied in feelings. It showed me people are still able to say what they want and not be afraid and worried about being popular. Sometimes people get caught up in things and sometimes they make the best Internet videos a la Belle Renee and the video we all love to watch and smile to for 20sb vlog day.

Okay Bella needs to stop looking all adorable! I am off to read and cuddle with the pup!

Oh. Also. I am totally addicted to Mystery Case Files: Prime Suspects.

Also also. Flossing feels good and is good for you.

baby vamp

Look to the left. What do you see? An awesome 3 year old rocking the Vampire teeth? hell yes! If you could only see the home movie, you would totally realize I am giving Eric a run for his money with my "i'm a monster" lines. People might say they were into vampire before twilight and sookie but i've been repping since 1986, just saying. Also notice my adorable haircut. I was watching home videos on the good ole vcr and and snapped a shit with my cell phone which is why it isn't so clear. i need to convert the vhs to dvd soon. i want to make copies for my entire fam since its the only footage we have of my papa who passed away in 2004. my grandmas hasn't heard his voice since and i know she would love it. he was amazing man, rest in peace.

if you're my fb friend you've seen birthday pics but this is my fav from my 26th [gasp how old] birthday. hot hot day so dresses were a no go and so was drying my hair. best friend, best cake, best birthday. i really did have an amazing time and am so lucky to have such a bestie.

in 5 short weeks she will be getting married and its going to be amazing. as i tell her, i need some paxil or prozac so i dont become a weeping mess. shes so beautiful and happy in her dress, that makes me tear up. i heart her fiancee and just can't wait for the celebration of my fav couple!

i NEED the fangastia calendar.

i need sleep.

i need for my car not to be a jerk.

i love my mom. love love love love her. even when she drives me crazy and im being a stubborn brat she is the best. i can't imagine not telling her that every day.

i just realize i actually started writing this post with correct capitalization but it didn't last long.

i have had the biggest urge to watch the lion king

hakuna matata

if my life is mine, what shouldn't i do

so! summer school is over and i am SO glad. i mean seriously it was insanity how many papers i was writing. the class i was worried about i found out i passed so the rest feels good and its nice to have free time. 2 more weeks and it's back to homework. i like being busy and focused though so i am almost looking forward to it. next semester im taking: drawing, english, contemporary philosophy, medieval philosophy, philosophy of law, and sociology of sexualities. only one class fridays so thats kinda awesome. my last year until grad school [knock on wood]

that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl

but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have
rise against

sunday nights are officially the best nights ever on tv. while i usually would say monday night is because of gossip girl and one tree hill, it's actually now sunday. monday night has chuck bass and my one tree hill guys but they are boys. antonio sabato jr and eric northman are men. sex hot men. who go shirtless. and inspire lurid naughty sex. and who are charming. and who i dont feel like a weirdo watching.look at this beautiful italian man. look at those dimples, whats sexier?? nothing. so. he is so charming and sweet and kind and sexy. yum yum yum.

tonight's episode of true blood was HOT. the eric/sookie was amazing and godric was so sweet. my grandma seeing breasts was interesting, she was like are they naked and i was like uhh, yes.

i'm writing this as i'm on the phone with my one of my best friends[love you trish] so excuse me if this isn't the best written post but whatcanyado.

oh. i have a new layout!

my mom made me a delicious steak for dinner and it was fantastic. love my moms. also loved steamers peas. very good and good for you.

cleaned my room. started getting excited for new school supplies. i absolutely love new pens and notebooks and pencils and paper and highlighters and sharpies and a new assignment notebook. i have always loved it and clearly nothings changed. i like to color code my pens and notebooks and now you all know what a nerd i am.

want to smile? go here.

tomorrow is work all day, maybe a movie, and a good friend might be having her baby.

mondays are possibilites.

via quote book via prettyfnmess

shoulda woulda

so i have been back in school for the past year and while i usually am paying attention, writing notes, and just general being awesome, i do let my my eyes wander. i see a lot of people and they obviously see me. there is usually one guy who catches my eyes a semester and usually i don't do much. well. there was one time my teacher thought it would be a good idea to set me up with a fellow student. turns out the hot scruffy ex army man well not very well endowed, had ex issues, and after we had sex never came back to class. maybe he's finally owning the coffee shop he always dreamed off...but i digress.

the point is, doesn't everybody has a crush or like or just find someone attractive that they see and who will never ever know? maybe the starbucks guy, a blogger, the library girl, the kid who sits next to you in class, a co-worker. someone you like and get giddy when they are near and you notice what they wear or if they cut their hair but you don't act. maybe you don't even tell someone you have the crush. youre best friend doesn't even know. maybe you just sit across them on your way to work everyday and sip your coffee and hope to make eye contact and quickly look down. maybe you smile or maybe they don't even know you exists.

because thats sort of what we feel right? we think they must not know we exist or be aware or they probably are seeing someone or a million other things that run through our heads and lessen our courage. maybe we think that if you talk to them in the beginning of class it won't work out and the how awkward would that be. that's what i usually think.

i mean, realistically, i could be someones secret little silly crush. you could be. maybe i make someones day or maybe someone was excited when i was nice to them [or what people call flirting, when bianca and i actually are nice and respectful and use good manners] that seems so unlikely, that i could make someones day or someone would be afraid to approach me or like me from afar but you never know. now sometimes it doesn't work out. sometimes we act on it and it ends bad but the point is they tried and they know. what if's are the worst. the shoulda woulda coulda's are no fun.

i just think how a smile can really make someones day. a kind word. talking to a stranger. its nice to just make human contact with people we have no obligations too and just act kind. to talk about nothing or everything and open up. the world is a big place and time is short and love is all we have to give. i was so lucky lucky to spend my birthday with people i love but when i sat with the people, everyone was from a completely different part of my life but they made me who i was. each one represented something in my past, my present, and my future. all the people started off as strangers but that first smile, that hi, that kind word and they were still in my life years later.

i guess i just like the idea that we can mean the world to some one and never know. that it may not make sense why someone likes another but there really is a person out there for everyone. love is all around us and we have to grab it, take it, and give it back to get more.

today i am going to smile more. smile at strangers instead of ducking my head when i walk past. i will smile and laugh and make sure that everytime i say my please and thank yous they'll be loud and clear. i will no longer be afraid to be rejected or ignored. i will embrace the world and if only one person smiles back out of a hundred, it will be worth it.

i am so excited for the lovely bones movie out in December. they released the trailer and it looks amazing. one of my fav books plus mark walhberg? yes please.

my birthday? amazing. waking up to my best friend bringing me hugs and awesome gifts and bella. breakfast with my mom. brunch with dad. dinner with friends. drinks, food, the best cheesecake ever, and laughter.

'Cause I am always where,
I need to be,
And I always thought,
I would end up with you eventually
the kooks

new psych was good and i liked the monk episode. true blood is so love/hate. love it but it just isn't the books.

school is almost done, 3 days.

i miss things i shouldn't.

the littlest things are what make life worth it.

i'll never understand how someone can actually help so much but on the other hand be a narcissistic bitch. very odd.

i forgot how much i love ben lee.

i have the best friend ever. its ridiculous.

goooooooorge baaaaaaaaaaanks