ender will save us all

current playlist

my eyes adored you-franki valli
in bloom-nirvana
mad-neyo
all i want-stained
say hello wave goodbye- david gray
down the road-kenny chesney
sometime around midnight-the airborne toxic event
apples peaches pumpkin pie- jay & the techniques
you beat me to the punch-mary wells
alone-heart
ode to kevin arnold-ludo

friend: I think things are okay for now, but we'll wait and see

me: ill send you good karma

i myself have resorted to flirting with boys who are going to be gym, no i mean "physical education" teachers and are probably all of 19 or 20

so i have a kind of crush on a boy. remember my last crush? well apparently my friend kendra did because as i told her of my maybe new crush she's like "make sure he isn't gay" which is exactly what bianca told me too. sad news bears! kendra and i usually eat together tuesday and thursday after class in the school cafeteria. today was the awesome taco salad day. i honestly cannot resist. i mean, look at that soft, flaky, and crispy shell? where can you buy that? no where? exactly. but i digress.

so were in line and i see maybe crush and we say hi and talk and he tells me he said hi to me when i was walking down the aisle in the lecture hall but i didn't hear him and i'm like oh and there was a lot of eye contact. and in earth science lab class he does share his answers with me and talks alot so. also i did manage to have my arm fro the shoulder to elbow up against his when i was checking something and he left the pressure there so yeah! i am 13 again! he is a little taller then me. skinny but built. shaved head. adorable smile. thought he was stupid but apparently he is smart. whatever. i am not going to date or have sex but i can have a little crush. right? hell yes.

i am trading songs through grooveshark with patrick right now. due to seattle time hes up and i am and it's rather nice. its fun to see what else someone loves, that speaks to them, music is pretty awesome that way. oh he sent me his fav deathcab and i like it! also arcade fire is something i like but had only heard of and not to before.

i went to mayan's tonight and had a long talk with his gf. it was really nice and i am glad we got closer. she honestly is so much nicer then i thought she would be and i told her that. she is a great person and i am excited to get to know her more. she has a heart of gold. seriously her compassion for animals is extraordinary. she's like a hip annie kane (hahha b).

omg. angel by robbie wiliams!! this was SO my sex jam with the first bf. we used to "make love" to this lol. like cd player, candles, all slow, and this is on a friday night with my mom in the next room. apparently after like a year she figured better we were having sex safe in the house and she knew where i was. poor mom. for her that was a hard decision. i was a bad kid.

omg again! the dawsons creek soundtrack!! i loved this song!! wow this brings me back to my breakup around christmas. oh jeez, next song?

i went link crazy in this post!

tomorrow is work and some errands and dinner with thomas.
i need to refill my awesome new humidifier! look at how cute he is! when he emits the moisture it looks like steam from his nose. adorable!!

"Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise."
Margaret Atwood

Look after my heart - I've left it with you.

sigh. i am tired. but honestly, i just feel good. i know there i have bills to pay. homework to be done. a paper to write. etc etc. but seriously, when it is chicago and 55 degrees and i can walk to my car with my coat off, i feel amazing. sure there is no new gossip girl or office or greek or one tree hill BUT top model will be starting soon. i like that no matter what i can always find something positive.

i had an amazing sweet potato for dinner. this of course was after a lunch at the cheesecake factory where my friend yair and i had avocado eggrolls (to die for!!!) and salad and a sandwich. yair is back from traveling a few months in south america and it's great to see him. we had a fun talk and nice lunch and i felt really good when i left. in fact, i left smiling.

isn't that the best? when you leave someone with a smile on your face? i had to go over to elads last night and when i left, i was smiling.

i stayed after class for 30mins talking outside with a girl in my sco class. i left smiling.

i picked up 4 kids in my honda civic coupe. i helped 2 5thgrade boys do homework. wrangled a 7th grader into algebra over the xbox. i got through a 7 year olds math frustration and she willing finished all her work. early. i left my job smiling.

can't i forget the text at 8:45 this morning from my mom telling me she loved me and was proud of me. i walked into class smiling.

sometimes when i am nervous and surrounded by strangers or in a place i don't know, i think of the people that love me, and i smile. i feel courage. their love is a layer that protects me and makes me strong. it seems silly but it feels really really good.

check out that smile.
not much has changed.


oh! i finished:
The Ten Best Days of my Life- Adena Halpern
The Secret Life of Bees- Sue Monk Kidd
Snuff- Chuck Palahniuk
Baby Proof- Emily Giffin
Gatsby's Girl- Caroline Preston
Remember Me- Sophie Kinsella

i'm currently in the middle of:
Wicked- Gregory Maguire
Plum Spooky- Janet Evanovic
Ender in Exile- Orson Scott Card

okay. so i am thinking. me. my bed. my psych book. studying. and sleep.

i love the moment when i know i am about to sleep and i reach over to pull the lamp cord. my body is already relaxed and my mind starting to dream. it feels so good to sink in the pillows. i don't even have to feel safe, my body automatically knows.

the only thing missing is the man i used to hug. light off, cool sheets, warm body, soft skin smelling clean but still tasting salty as i leaned for a kiss.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Maya Angelou

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

i saw this posted over at ashleys and had to repost.

gay marriage is an issue very close at heart to me. i think i have a pretty interesting story and since most of my real life friends know this, i always forget that it's not that common knowledge here in the blogiverse. so sit back cause here we go.

i have a mom. and a dad. and a dad. and a step dad.

yes take a moment and count that. 3 dads.

people think i miscounted or that my mom is really busy and keeps a divorce lawyer on speed dial. then i tell them how my bio dad is gay and raised me with other dad thomas. people then assume my mom just carried me and went away. then i tell them how my dad was bisexual and married my mom and had my brother (who died at a few days old) my other brother, then me.
then a few years after that they didn't get along and got divorced. then my dad met thomas. then one of chicago's best private schools (if not best to be honest) was a few blocks away from the apt building thomas owned and it was catholic, my mom let me and bro go live there. i saw my mom every weekend and after school alot too. in the meanwhile my mom met my stepdad jim and got married. so since i was about 5 i have had 4 people raise me and love me.

when i was in high school, due to a lot of things, my dad and thomas split up when i was a senior. so eventually it was my dad and lance, thomas and mik, my mom and jim.

what really drove me crazy was everyone always asking "you still talk to thomas?". never mind the fact he's been around since i was 4 but you know, obviously why would i want to talk to someone that raised me? that's so silly. i mean honestly, it gets me upset because, so what, he wasn't biological, he was my dad. if he was my dads second wife i don't think people would have questioned as much.

even now at 25, people are really surprised and say "oh thats SO nice you still talk" and i feel like asking, "oh do you still talk to your mom/dad? aww that's nice". thomas is my dad, he takes care of me, he listens when i need it, he loves me, he lets me be me. he financially supports my school, his parents are the ones i consider my grandparents, not my other dad. he's the one who will walk me down the aisle when i get married.

i was lucky. i grew up in a rich neighborhood and private schools and with conservative people. i should have had bad experiences but i didn't. my principals, teachers, other kids parents, everyone just accepted it. people embraced and loved me and love my family. i think it helped a few of my friends who would later come out to see such a happy loving gay/straight family be accepted by the community.

my aunt (well more like 2nd cousin but she acts like thomas's sister then cousin) got married this year to her girlfriend and it was a beautiful LA wedding. Chasitiy Bono was there!

i was raised with love all around me. for our government which is about separation of church and state to have a say in who gets marriage rights, i am furious and ashamed.

i can't fathom how people can deny love.

men are like the mafia, they keep pulling you back in

i have like 3 posts ready to go and i was all about to post one when i got home but a phone call tonight changed that for me.

first my frienemy(? i'm not sure how much i can trust him, we used to be like bro/sis but now....) called me and was like 'where are you? i need to ask you some questions can we talk in an hour or so?' and i figured it was business stuff so i was like fine.

i drove to babysitting and called him on the way letting him know i was going to be busy. he tells me, semi laughing how someone is mad at me and i'll hear in a few days but he's with that person? we talked for a while about other stuff. i congratulated him when he let me know his wife was pregnant. actually i'm very excited about that because i love her and their 2 girls and was at the hospital the day their last daughter was born.

he also let me know the ex, tal, wants to come back. apparently he isn't making as much money in israel and wants to come back and work for eyal. eyal was like 'oh where are you going to stay' and apparently tal was like 'oh with tiffany' and eyal was like 'ha she would kill you'.

And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn't called
And you feel so low you can't feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always

ahhhhhhhh. while i would love to say if he did come back it wouldn't affect me and i wouldn't see him and i dont care, that is complete bullshit. i would hate him and yet see him. yell and then fuck him. i would know he was a bad dude and still love him. i would be an idiot and not care because i would be happy.

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
Cause I was there when you said

Forever and always

people wonder how i can be okay with elad and his gf and that situation. people think mayaan is stupid for being with his ex and now current gf but i defy anyone to say that when the one person who can always get under your skin and who posseses you in a way no one ever has, when they come back into your life, you deny them.

Was I out of line? Did I say something way to honest?
Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure

i don't care that i know he is the worst kind of bad for me. i love the cheating asshole. this is where i thank god for immigration laws. he overstayed his visa last time and i dont think he is allowed back in. thank god. because its one thing when hes thousands of miles away. its quite another when i could see and taste and feel and hear him.

So heres to everything
Coming down to nothing
Heres to silence
That cuts me to the core
Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute but I don't anymore

it is actually pretty hard for me to admit this. i feel weak and stupid but ya know what, it's how i feel. i am just glad that he won't get back in because if even the thought gets me this crazy and upset and out of whack, what if he actually got a ticket and was on his way back? i hate knowing how stupid i am to even think this way and i can't stop it.

i thank god for best friends who write amazing blog posts.
if you ever wanted to get a glimpse at who b and i are, this is the post for you.
i need to try and sleep but i don't think that is happening.
thank goodness patrick (who lives in seattle) is up and gchatting.
i was trying to read but 'twilight' isn't exactly what i feel like will help me stay away from love. maybe the stephanie plumb, plum spooky, will help.
sigh.

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

in the past few weeks, i've given some peps talked and gotten some pep talks and thought about about life and how attitude makes the biggest difference. i know that some people find it annoying thing go well for me without effort and while i seem to have good luck its not really luck. here's what i do to keep a good attitude and why i think works out for me.

i only played on a sports team as a kid but the lessons they teach really are life lessons.

all you can do is your best: that really is what life is about. just do the best you can do. try. i make mistakes. a lot. i haven't always done my best but there has never been a time where i gave my 100% and felt as if I had failed. every time i gave it my best effort, i knew that was all i could do. in school, in work, in love. sure i might not have always gotten what i wanted or did the best compared to other people but that's the point. i can only do my best, not yours. if you give your best you don't have regrets.

"When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible."

there is no "i" in team: repeat. there is no "i" in team. when someone in sports forgets this lesson they're called a ball hog. michael jordan is arguably the greatest basketball player but he was always acknowledging his team and family for getting there. you may be proud of yourself but along the way there was help. its a rare person that didn't have one person affect their life. good and bad you are a result of your experiences and the people in your life. sometimes the absence of a person can be just as important as the presence of another. i am surrounded with a HUGE team of support and love and that has made me who i am today.

when you meet me, you are meeting the brains of 3 parents, my moms extremely compassionate nature and positive personality, you meet my one dads sense on intuition and ability to make immediate connections with strangers, you meet my other dads generosity and ability to accept a person for who they are, you meet my grammas big heart and smile, you are meeting my grandpa's strong character and opinions. you meet my best friends ability to take any situation and look for the best and never forgot to enjoy life and just laugh.

"Feel lucky for what you have when you have it. Isn't that the point? Happily ever after doesn't mean happy forever."

life may not be fair but play as if it is: whoever said life was fair was lying but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to live that way. if you go around with an attitude that life is about luck or fairness or think because some people cheat to get ahead, it's okay, you're missing the point. life is about doing the best you can while causing the most kindness and the least cruelty. sometimes we win and lose. sometimes we do our best and it isn't enough. this leads me to the next lesson...
it doesn't matter if you win or lose it's how you play the game: again it's not the outcome that matters but how you got there. if all you care about is winning you might cheat, lie, do anything to win. when you lie and cheat you lose a lot of people. how many movies are about a person who has the riches, the big job, the fame, and are alone because they only cared about the prize and not people? in the end nothing matters but having people to love. does your dog or cat care of you won the big name? no. they just love you. don't compare yourself to other people. don't get sour grapes. just play fair and be kind.

"Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future."

you get what you give: if you only do bad things or think negative, why would god things come back to you? if you treat people bad, why would they want to hang out with you? if you don't do any work or go to class or don't turn the big project in for the boss, why would get an "a" or the big promotion? if you smile, work hard, do your best, good things happen. life sucks sometimes but i don't know anyone who is a positive person that is unhappy really. even when the bad things happen the right attitude goes along way. its old but true, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. if you go around comparing yourself to other people you won't get anywhere.

practice makes perfect: perfect is an unrealistic idea but practice makes things better. again, michael jordan didn't get to where he was without practice. determination. working hard. failing and getting back up. sometimes we get lucky and land the dream job, the dream relationship, but no matter how we get them, keep it up. nothing is ever so good we can just stop. never stop giving the one you love silly things, surprise dates, i love you's. never stop learning or living or laughing or loving..

i am by no means perfect but i am filled with eternal optimism and hope for the best. this attitude has made all the difference in my life. this week started out pretty bad and when i needed some help, the bestie was there to keep my positive and hopeful. and her pep talk got me back and the week today has really turned around.

"People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."

being positive is something i have to be. when you are around someone that is always complaining it is awful. it brings you down. it makes you unhappy. it makes you not want to be around that person and its annoying. i know at my old job i became this person. i was always bitching. it was not fun. when i saw what i was becoming i made a change. i left a good paying job and did what makes me happy. i figured out a way to get what i wanted in a reasonable way and here i am.

live. learn.laugh.love.breathe.be fearless.

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
Mother Teresa

It was always unnecessary.

i feel like i am becoming a bit negative. i have been complaining to the bff and my friends patrick and lior about an on going issue thats been kind of driving me crazy and you know what? even though in the issue i am not at fault, it does cause me to take a look at something.

me: is it mean to call someone average

Patrick: Would you like to be called average?

Mediocre?
me: if it was true?

Patrick: I think you do this all the time

You want to insult someone

So, what you do is say "I am okay with calling myself that name" so you can do it

me: probably

i think thats true

Patrick: But of course, calling yourself a name and having someone else call you it are entirely different

he really makes a good point. i mean, i guess i shouldn't be so judgemental. but i mean, i think while it might not be nice to say, it's very true. average means like most people. i know everyone strives to be the best but we all have different strengths and weaknesses. its like when every parent tells their kid they are the best on a team or the smartest kid in the class, that's just bullshit. the point is to not go around comparing yourself to other people and recognize your better at somethings then others.

i know i'm a bitch but seriously, i am crazy annoyed. i know i need to calm the fuck down because this thing is driving me crazy. if i had a veiny forehead that shit would be bulging. i was talking to my mom the other day and she pointed out that sometimes people can be controlling so subtly and so mock innocently you have to be careful. i was like 'fuck yeah'. i am just sick of being told to always go more than halfway. of dealing with people and having to be the mature one. to always have to be the one to make the solution. also, passive agressive people should make like lemmings and jump.

this is obviously a rant and i am not perfect but for 99% of my life, everyone knows where i stand. i know i have a strong personality and opinions. i know i can be outspoken. i also know i'm very nice and compassionate and i go out of my way to hurt a person.

being this annoyed is not good and some people do yoga or mediate or whatnot to relax. the truth is for me, i miss having a more open relationship with g-d. i just feel more at peace and relaxed when i am praying more and thinking about g-d more. so, along with my friend beth, we found a synagogue by us and are planning on attending. we are both interested in converting and learning hebrew.

i find a comfort and i feel at home in the jewish faith. i feel like all the signs all my life have been pointing with this way. whenever i am losing the motivation another sign comes along reaffirming my decision. i know that i will not meet the man i am going to marry until i follow the path of converting. it might sound silly but i feel it inside. i am not ready to be committed to the right man before i can work on my commitment to g-d and myself.

the thing is while i am pretty happy with myself there are always things i can become better at. i can always strive to be a kinder more giving and less judgmental person.

so. in short order. i need to figure out a solution about whats pissing me off. and not be scared to bring it up. and i need to get my priories straight. and i need to relax.

also. for a sore throat, drinking apple cider vinegar completely helps.

"Just because you're an atheist, that doesn't mean you wouldn't love for things to have reasons for why they are."
Jonathan Safran Foer
(Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

(thats for you so@24 )

how does chocolate always lead to bedroom talk? sigh

Please look to your left and feast your eyes on the yummy m&m cookies that were made last night. Add some singing to the Grease and Grease 2 soundtracks and you know you're a little jealous. Since Jenn thinks there is too much pink is the house and kitchen I bought some green in via the cookies. We whipped up a batch before we started watching some 300 with the yummy Gerard Butler.

Also this week I went a little Target crazy. Some bathroom towels, a new bathroom rug, 2 shelves that are also lamps, a body pillow with the most amazing soft case, new pink tshirt sheets, 2 new frames, and some wrapping paper. See what my room is turning into.this leads me to the fact that you can clearly tell i'm single right now. my last bedroom had a sexy red wall, a beige and black comforter set, scented candles, black dresser, low lighting. it smelled amazing and was so sexy to be in. no tv. [because a tv in the bedroom is not sexy. it just isnt. if you have to have one, in my opinion, make sure it can be hidden.] when i was in my old bedroom, i was always in the mood to take the ex and kiss and kiss all night. it was so relaxing and warm and sensual. i loved that bedroom. i miss that bedroom. i miss what went on in that bedroom.

i have had this bedroom for many months and it has been boring and plain and empty. a bed and a desk and a night stand. my mom just added a bookcase and so did i and now with the lamps and some shelves it feels lived it. i was struggling to figure out what the theme of my room was going to be. honestly if it was up to me it would have been dark colored furniture with another red wall and some black and white photos. this didn't happen because all of my furniture has been light colored or white. i have a girly room now. it emits a soft pink glow into the hallway. it makes me feel happy and soft and feel 16 again. this might be because i am using my comforter from high school that my mom has kept in perfect condition.

so i have this girly pink bedroom with a picture of bella next to my bed. it is not the type of bedroom i think i would feel sexy in. i feel pretty but not sensual. if i was dating someone right now i think honestly, i would try to make is more seductive. luckily though some candles and low lighting helps. i wonder if other people feel this way about their bedrooms? if they are trying to create a mood? i guess i take sex pretty serious and like to have a really fun sensual time and its hard to do that with wrong lighting or the wrong furniture. then again i wouldn't want guy like quagmire's house where its too gross and swinger like. i definitely look at a guys room when i am at his place. to see if its clean and organized or frat like or if he has taken time to make it relaxing. a nice comforter, lighting , etc.

but a good bedroom, while for me is mostly about sex, it also about relaxing. i want to be able to fall asleep easily. to be able to read quietly. to enjoy my own little sanctuary. remember when mariah carey did 'cribs' and would show everything but her bedroom? i totally respected that even though it was weird when she got in the bathtub...

it's all about the ambiance. would you rather have a dinner in a brightly lit modern place r some cozy place with low lighting? i want the romantic lady and the tramp moment thank you very much.

so what are your thoughts on bedroom ambiance? am i thinking too much about this?

happy day to you

++

=

Valentines Day

books i checked out from the library today

The Ten Best Days of my Life- Adena Halpern
Wicked- Gregory Maguire
Plum Spooky- Janet Evanovich
The Secret Life of Bees- Sue Monk Kidd
More Than It Hurts You-Darin Strauss
Ender in Exile- Orson Scott Card
Mercy- Jodi Picoult
The Omnivore's Dilemma- Michael Pollan
Snuff- Chuck Palahniuk
Baby Proof- Emily Giffin
Gatsby's Girl- Caroline Preston
The Girl With No Shadow- Joanne Harris
Remember Me- Sophie Kinsella

bianca just read the secret life of bees and i figured i would try it because she has the best taste and the movie looked good too. i am also really excited for ender in exile because the ender books are amazing and enders game is on of my all time favorite books. these books should hopefully last me 2 weeks but it depends on how much school stuff i have.

i'm feeling better but my nose is still runny. it's very sexy.

tonight is some babysitting and reading.

"I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else. "
Jonathan Safran Foer

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie

me: so this guy keeps gchatting me nonstop. he also sells tea.

bianca: what?
me: he sells tea
bianca:like to drug offenders??
me: ye-wait...what?
bianca: he sells pee?
me:Oh hahahaha no. tea.
bianca: oh thank god

so last night i was all fevered up and couldn't even make it across my room to get the aspirin. luckily the fever went down by the am and i was only left with weakness and a headache. i didn't work until 3:45 but i could still tell the affects of being sick because i was forgetting things and just not being that quick. babysitting was fun and i worked until 9:30 and except for a sore throat, feel a lot better. thanks to everyone for the well wishes. very very much appreciated.

i saw this book at target and kind of want to buy it. its called practically posh and is described as "the budget babe's guide to the good life. Filled with thrifty tips and delivered with style and humor, this do-it-yourself handbook is designed for glam girls on the go who want to live large on their little paychecks." so that seems pretty fitting and i think might be my target purchase this week.

maybe it's vday or just that time but i am feeling a bit...i don't think lonely is the word. i am definitely not lonely since i have a ton of good friends and a great roomie and my days are really filled but i feel like something is missing. what i really mean is, you know how at the end of the day or when youre driving, you have that special someone you can call, whose voice you missed all day and who once they say hello everything will be better? i miss having that person. that special someone. i used to be able to call tal or kobi or elad and i used to have that person who had their special ringtone and when i got a call or text i was immediately smiley. sigh.

this is the reason i fall sleep wishing the other half of my bed wasn't empty...

i need to buy a body pillow from target

my head hurts.
i have a sore throat.
i want to lie in bed watching tv wrapped in my comforter.

have i mentioned how much of a baby i am when i'm sick?

so. does everyone who blogs want people to read/comment? is that why they do it?

i write this blog for me. i am one of those people thats had an opendiary, livejournal (or 2), a few blogs, and a regular journal, and i've always done it because i love to go back and reread what i was thinking at the time, especially with some perspective. i have seen some of my favorite bloggers stop writing about themselves and emotions and just write what they think people want to read. or they all of a sudden decide their blog should make them famous and become a brand and then all the stuff i loved just seems to disappear.

i love every single person that reads my blog and appreciate every comment i get but i certainly don't write for the comments. sometimes i get none and sometimes i get a few and i am happy either way. the blogging community is amazing and i myself love the personal blogs the best. i love the small details and pics of puppies but i love when the blogger just writes. i get really excited when something good happens and sad for them when bad things happen.

sometimes the blogging community is like high school where people comment just to get comments back and have the highest number of comments and readers and its like whoa blogwhore. i know. i'm an ass. but i just get sad when some of the blogs i started with have changed and lost the reasons they became so well loved. i miss them.

its like reading twilight and loving edward and then in breaking dawn stephanie meyers decides to make a big pussy out of him and he becomes so minor. sad news bears.

okay. end rant.

also on my mind. i miss being hugged. cuddled. kissed. a warm body next to mine.

i miss getting physical. dear god not the olivia newton john song but the feel of skin of skin and falling asleep with someone and back rubs and hair brushing
(tal used to brush my hair, such an amazing feeling).
i miss knowing that when i came home or whenever i saw him i would be touched, hugged, kissed, cherished.
sigh.

i miss him.

damn that mother chucker

Target is one of my favorite places. Ever. You can get clothes, movies, pet food, wine, holiday decorations, condoms, socks, notebooks, basically everything and anything.

Chuck Bass is one of the best characters ever. Sexy, dark, undercover sweet, loves lots of good sex, loves the awesome Blair, has the whole "i'm chuck bass" line [which btw he totally stole from the Tempations movie on vh1 "I'm david ruffian, i made ya'lls asses" which chapelle totally borrowed with the rick james skit.]

Last night I suddenly realized, Target is just like Chuck Bass. So bad and yet so good at the same time.

Target has everything you want (the awesome $1 spot, tanks tops, and house accessories). So does Chuck Bass. (sex, money, bedroom eyes).

Chuck Bass is something you should stay away from but you can't. When you fail to resist, it's even better then you imagined (oh blair i am so jealous of you). Try to resist Target. Fail.

Target never gets boring. I can wander for hours and hours and there's always something new. Chuck Bass is always doing something...or someone new. Burlesque with Blair to opium dens to secret sex parties to helping save Lily, you never know whats going to happen every Monday night.

Target is the place where all your money goes when it should be saved or spent on bills. Chuck Bass is where all the time you should be studying or cleaning or working out goes.

Seriously, while Target might not be a place Chuck Bass ever goes, I am obsessed. I am pretty sure tonight I'll be having some hot dream with Chuck Bass and I shopping at Target...too bad they don't display beds cause that would be kinda awesome. Anyways.....I leave you with the best....

hey! i did my first guest post over at free and flawed for the lovely roomie! go check it out! i'm off to take my earth science lab exam.

shades of grey

the person you never think will never hurt you..does.

it's worse then you ever thought.
you wonder "why and "how".
these are the that keep you awake and bring bags to your eyes.
the questions you ask your best friend who is a thousand miles away and can only console you over the phone but who you can call at 2am and will know exactly what you mean when you again ask "why".

screaming phone calls.
things you wouldn't say to your worst enemy you are screaming at the top of your lungs with everything you have.
you swear you will NEVER talk again.
it's almost worse then when you lose a lover because love and sex and passion can always have an end but friendships aren't supposed to end this way.

time passes.
and though the hurt is there
all you really feel is how much you miss them.
he was like your older brother
guiding you, listening, making fun
you were there the day his daughter was born.
he was your boss and then your friend
someone who you thought would always tell you the truth.

you being to wonder...at what point do you stay mad?
at what point do you forgive and forget?
black and white.
wrong and right.
the choices have definitely become blurry.

"Sometimes you forgive someone just because you want them in your life"

you realize life is a series of lessons
love, life, friends, mistakes
do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
enough time passes and you can have both

you run into each other at a chuck e cheese.
his daughter squeals with delight
he sees you and a huge grin is on his face
you know your face looks the same
you talk, laugh, catch up

you can never go back
never have what you had before
but sometimes
it becomes something even better
second chances

"Sometimes you forgive someone just because you want them in your life"

oh how i rue the days of february...and hate to spell it....

the weekend in numbers

• two 5 hour naps
• $63...the amount for a mani/pedi my friend ended up surprising me with
• $50...what i made babysitting for my prof
• 2 stores (target and walmart) that jenn and i went to tonight
• $40...the amount i spent including dinner
• $36...for a new baggallini bag that jenn bought and i wanted too
• 5...the number of pets currently in the house
• 3...the number of dogs

• 1...the # of old friends i saw
• 1...also the # of ex bf's who i heard about and who asked about me
  

this weekend i was feeling a bit down but a pep talk with my friend lior helped me get over the fact while my last 2 exes might have their skanky gf's, in 5 years i'll *hopefully* have my degree (or 2!) and a career and they'll be in the same place. so right now the only thing i might be cuddling is the idea of my degree and bella, in the long run, slow and steady wins the race?